Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

This is actually pretty simple.

Your DP should have the children as much as he does or more if that’s what works for the kids. The solution is not him having them less as they should be more important to him than what you want.

However, if you want to go out at the weekend and do your hobbies/look after your horses then do so. He doesn’t get to force you to prioritise his kids over your own life, they aren’t your own kids.

However, if you do that and it doesn’t work for him because he wants more family time/someone who is willing to be more kid orientated then you should break up as you aren’t compatible.

Basically, you need to decide what compromises you are and aren’t willing to make in terms of prioritising the kids. Then tell him and if that’s not enough better to split sooner rather than later as the resentment will just build up on both sides which isn’t good for anyone involved.

Get him out of your house. Live seperately and he can parent his own children. I think you deserve a man without children to live the life you want TBH.Consider what it would be like to leave him.

OP, I think this man has taken over your life & is pretending to himself that you want what HE wants you to want.
OR, he knows that you dont really want it but he doesnt care, he wants the benefits that he gets from living with you and he knows that you are very in love with him and that means he can get away with it.

It is a bit mad, she has all the power and yet she's letting him dictate everything?!

Women are often made to feel selfish for demanding me time and time for hobbies. These are essential to help you de- stress and maintain your mental wellbeing. If this is compromised you risk feeling resentful and bottling up negative feelings. I hate that women are usually expected to sacrifice their time and space.

They're not your kids, so I empathise with your position. However: "he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather."

He's a parent who sees his kids for less than one every three nights and feels it's excessive?

He's fucking pathetic. Why did he ever have children?

Oh gosh. This is not ok.

That's crap

No reason you shouldn’t do your hobbies when you like. But you also need to accept that they’re his kids - it’s not about how much me time he has, but about how much he can give to the children. The default is 100% - once a relationship falls apart is the only reason that’s compromised.

Sounds like you may need to reconsider this relationship, as you have, perfectly validly, different priorities.
I think an issue could be the way the children's time with you is on a rolling rota. It is really difficult to accommodate this with other commitments. (It's like living with someone on shift work!)
Maybe look at that again, so that they are consistently with you on set days rather than constantly changing.

He's financially abusing you. I would lay money that he will try to get you to give the horses up to fully commit to the kids. Once you've done that it's only a matter of time before he finds a hobby and leaves you in charge of the kids as he claims he needs downtime.

And there'll always be some reason why he can't afford to give you much money towards his keep.

He moved into your house.
He moved his kids into your house.
He doesn't pay rent.
He only contributes financially "when he can".
He stops you from doing your hobbies.
He makes you spend your weekends supervising his kids so you can bond with them.

All I want to know is: HOW DOES HE DO IT??? How does one manipulate themselves into such an amazing situation and find themselves a naive hard working idiot willing to change their whole life and sacrificing their own wants and desires for him??? I need some life advice from him, I think.

You however, need to kick him out. He won't change. Doesn't matter what you say or how you say it.

honestly OP, parenting doesn't mean you have to both be present with the kids at all times.. what an absolute load of tosh he is filling you with, you have to be able to have separate lives and separate interests, with the kids and without them, no wonder you feel suffocated.

Look at it this way, forget the kids for a mo.. if he said you've got to stop doing your hobbies or seeing your family because he wants you to spend all your time with him, then what would you say? it's exactly the same with the kids. Yes, you should prioritise them when they are with you, and spend quality time with them, but that does not mean at all times and at all cost and you have to drop everything else to make that happen, I can't believe you're going along with this tbh.

Just get on with what you want to do, when you want to do it, and if he complains then tell him he's free to move out.. he won't because he has nowhere to go, YOU are in control of your life, start acting like it.

All this. You could have a great, child free, horsey life without this cocklodger. He saw you coming.

I am always struck by the number of dads who find compliant women to look after their kids, pay their bills and just control in every way possible.

@NellyElly1
If I carry on as I was before, spending my weekend how I want, he will just say I might as well be single
And that would be a (slightly veiled) threat to leave you if you dont toe the line.
I think he saw you coming, saw you with your own home and a nice income and thought 'that'll do nicely for me and my children' and then he love bombed you/won you over.
I can see why he was strongly motivated to do this, getting with you has given him a big step up in the world!
Not so much you though OP, all the benefits are flowing in one direction, and it aint yours!

OP, I think you are blinded by your feeling for him.

This is not a healthy relationship, you are telling him how you feel and he is minimising and ignoring those feelings, in your own home, non the less.

They are not your kids, they will never be your kids and that is perfectly fine. Treat them with kindness and consideration, but you don't need to take them on as your own - your hobbies should continue (for reference most actual mums hobbies continue as well, life doesn't stop when you have kids).

It sounds like you have got in a bit deep pretty quick, letting them live in your home and being the main provider for a little family that is not yours.
You need to sit your partner down and explain that you know this conversation has been had before but, one last time... you will not be living the life he expects, no one should have to, they are his kids, you are not a family unit, you are his girlfriend.

He can go back to his mums (which I personally think may be best by the way he minimises your feelings) if he has problems with that.

I have managed to continue my own hobbies with my own DC. How has he convinced you you need to give up yours for DC that are not even your own?

All else aside, I couldn't be with a shiftless moocher.

He chose to sire two kids he apparently can't house without help from mum & dad or a young girlfriend. What a catch.

Presumably the mother is getting plenty of breaks at weekends. That can be viewed as a positive or a negative, for me I wouldn't have been happy with my ex having most of the weekends.

@NellyElly1 You should not be living together. Full stop.
First, he is not contributing his fair share to the household. 🤦‍♀️
Second, his priority is his children, as it should be.

You are not suited to be a live-in couple, or likely a couple at all.

From a stepmum- you're being unreasonable, sorry.
Your husband has his children ~2 nights a week when you average all that out.

Their mother has them 5 nights a week, and gets NO full weekend days to herself- even when you have them Friday-Sunday they are back with her mid-afternoon, so why should your husband have the luxury of weekends "to himself"?
Having said that, this rota looks like an absolute mess and I'd be pushing for EOW, Friday 4pm-Sunday 5:30pm or similar, plus every Wednesday- but there must be a reason why husband and his ex have chosen this overly complicated schedule.

You said you don't really want children, which is fair and valid, but you have inserted yourself into a family which has children. You don't have to treat them as your own, they are not your own and it's fair to go off and do your hobbies when they are with your husband, but you can't expect him to sacrifice time with them so you have more couple time.

I think there are a couple of issues here, firstly, I think he saw you coming because he's certainly landed on his feet!
Secondly, being a step mom is a tough gig, especially when you don't have children of your own. You need to have a conversation about what you are prepared to give and set some boundaries around your time/hobbies because they are not your children, and while I can understand him wanting you to do things as a 'family' they are ultimately his responsibility and he can't force you to his way of thinking. There has to be some balance.
However, I will say this to you (as a step mom myself) at some point you need to decide if you're all in, because otherwise its not fair to the children. They aren't an inconvenience, or a chore that has to be dealt with every weekend, they are children that need to feel safe and wanted in the space they are in.

I don't think he sees them often enough but that's not the point.
They are his kids and they come to see him, not you. I'm sure you're nice enough but they should be having a lot of one to one time with dad. They haven't signed up to become "a unit" with you.
Are they seeing less of their paternal grandparents too now?

This.

For different reasons (but both of which have traumatised the children), this has happened to two 'stepmums' I know recently. It's not as unlikely to happen as you might think.

@MrsSunshine2b
but you have inserted yourself into a family which has children
I feel you may not have read OP's posts (understandable, it's a long thread!)
By my reading its more the case that he inserted himself & his children into OP's life.