Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

I don't think the amount of time he has his dc is unreasonable. It is unreasonable that he expects to always be there when they are there.

We all know that it is very much easier looking after children if there are 2 adults around. But they are his dc and he must be capable of having them and entertaining them, and dealing with all the stuff like taking them to the toilet if they out. If that's too hard for him he needs to find another way around it. But that is not your responsibility.

You could spend the majority of your weekend day with your horse and still be back in time to have family dinner, play games, go for a walk, read to his dc at bedtime... It's not as if you're backing out completely.

Why are you having this ongoing argument/discussion with him. Next weekend say "There's an event at the stables on Xday, I won't be around until tea-time." Tell him, don't ask him. How do you think he will react? That will tell you a lot.

On the days when you don't have his dc at the weekend, how do you spend your time? Are you free to be with your horses or must you spend all your time with him"'because you're a unit"?

You may love him very much, enough to support him financially, but you are not also the unpaid nanny to his dc.

Incedentally, what does he do with all his money?

This made me laugh and feel angry at the same time.

I have no issue admitting when I'm wrong. I'm not wrong here.

I doubt I'm your DH ex and in fact know I'm not as I support myself.

Im not a flakey friend as my friends have class. Something you lack.

If I carry on as I was before, spending my weekend how I want, he will just say I might as well be single.

And yet for some reason you're not agreeing & telling him to fuck off out of your house!

18 months into the relationship, you don't need to start bonding with his children, especially young children. In fact, it is better if you don't. You have been hoodwinked OP. He has set the narrative and you are blindly following it. He moves into your home, tells you that you need to be there to bond with his children, which basically means you shoulder the responsibility and work of raising his kids. You say that you don't want children - can I ask why? Perhaps you need to remind yourself of those reasons before committing further to this relationship, because if you stay with him, you will have children. I honestly believe that anyone who does not want children, should not have them, and that includes step children - it isn't fair on the children or you. You say you love him, but this doesn't sound like the relationship for you because it means becoming a mother - which you don't want. The children could end up living with you full-time - have you considered that? In your position I would go back to living alone. Let him parent his children alone - date him on the days when he doesn't have his children. You are childfree by choice, don't let him take that away from you.

I don't think that too much time for a child to spend with a parent but can it can be overwhelming for you. Perhaps it's case that you are not compatible

You say you're independent and have your own hobbies, so do them while he's with DC.

Why is the set up that he has them the vast majority of weekends, rather than more during the week? That doesn't sound ideal for anyone.

If you ask him to choose between you and the children, prepare to pack your bags. There must be men without children out there you could find?

TBH OP, I think your partner is actually using you to fund his children and help look after them.

And you are just blindly going along with the idea.

It’s her house. He’s the one who needs to pack.

I’d judge him for not having them more to be honest. You knew he had kids. You knew you were walking into a family set up. You could always ask for more week time and less weekend time but I don’t know if he’d want that - presuming he works then weekend time means more quality time. That said my DH has 50:50 and DSDs schedule means we have every other Saturday night to ourselves. Maybe something more like 3-4-4-3 would help.

They are his children and it sounds like he is resentful that you have a life outside of his 'unit'. You have a DP problem. This time is when the kids are not a problem, just wait til they're teens........

I wouldn't mind having them more in the week instead as it feels like we barely get any time on the weekends.

Fair comment. That’s what I would be suggesting in your position

Yep, agreed. And op is the one paying for it all, other than an occasional contribution from him.

Even if they were your kids, it's still wouldn't be reasonable for him to never have them on his own so you can do your hobbies.

The problem isn't the "custody" arrangements, it's him.

no, its HER house, he packs his bags!!

@NellyElly1 Unfortunately, the fact is that many men, consciously or subconsciously see all women as mothers and live by assumptions based on this. The majority of separated fathers rapidly find another "mother" to assume a parenting type role.

You need to have a serious conversation with him.

This conversation needs to being with some new assumptions-
-that you are two separate people
-who both have valid POVs on how you want/intend to live your lives
-and there really is no future if you can't air these views and come to an negotiated and mutual agreement about how this partnership is going to work
-he cannot unilaterally decide how you live your lives "as a unit"

If he can't accept these ground rules there's really little point in continuing. Why would you spend any time in your life with someone who doesn't have enough basic respect for your independence?

From a position of accepting these ground rules, you can outline how much a role you want to have with the kids, what time you want to make available to them, what you consider his sole responsibility etc. No one gets to decide this stuff, or what you are prepared to negotiate on, but you. After all, anyone can leave any relationship they want, at any time. So decide your terms.

BUT the thing is, you decided to enter a relationship with a man with children. You need to have your eyes wide open that he could have them 50%, 60%, 100% at any time and they will be, as they should be, his absolute priority. If this isn't really a life you want or a position you want to find yourself in, you should probably have a think about whether this is the right relationship for you.

What do you actually get out of this relationship? He needs to move back to his parents & sort out the school run etc & can be boyfriend on his days off. He sounds quite controlling tbh.

Not holding out much hope for this one, the op has not been back to address the fact he is not paying his way.

I'm in a similar position to you, and I could never be in a relationship with someone with kids. Would drive me insane. All that sacrifice and for what? Nothing except stress and expense.

People don't like kids. They tolerate their own/own grandkids because of biology and hormones. They can't stand other people's.

That’s a relatively normal amount of time to have the kids (though I don’t know anyone who has them every weekend, only every other and a week day but saw this isn’t possible for yourselves)

If you don’t feel comfortable with this arrangement it may be time to end things for all your sakes. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to be with my children but at the same time I completely understand that every weekend is a bit much

Nope - I'd be off down the stables and leave him to it.

I'm sorry if I missed any of your posts, but you 100% need time to yourself. And kidsneed some time with their dad only. I don't understand why he is pushing gor you to spend all of your free time with his kids.

It's HER house!