Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

That is basically what he wants and doesn't understand why I wouldn't want it too.

He does understand but it doesn't serve his purpose so he continues to say anything that will make you feel guilty enough to change your behaviour.

If you do as he wished I can guarantee the next thing on his list is getting you to get rid of your horses.

It would be really wise to do The Freedom Programme so that you can more easily see his manipulative behaviour. This man does not love you & is taking you & your money for a ride. [but not your horses... yet]

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

So you're a unit and a team when it comes to taking care of HIS children, but not when it comes to taking care of your horses, or the bills or the mortgage?

And his desire for you to act like a family unit (in your home) trumps your desire to have some down time doing your hobby?

It's all about him isn't it?

What do you get out of this?

I don’t think this is the life for you… he does have kids and therefore there is less time for hobbies.. part of the deal..

He does 'come as a package', but that - in no way - means that OP should give up her life. She has done a huge amount and he is emotionally blackmailing her.

So… you have welcomed him, and his kids, into your home, you cover the majority of costs and are now being told by him that you can’t pursue your own hobbies or determine how you spend your own time because he has kids? And you therefore must be constantly available to essentially help him coparent? And you’re in your early 30s and don’t want kids? Please please think carefully about this future for you! There is no way in hell that I would ever give up every weekend to parent someone else’s kids, nor do I believe that to be a reasonable expectation on his part. This could be your permanent reality!! Stop and reconsider please 🙏

To be honest. I wouldn’t say you were a step parent, you’re dad’s girlfriend. That’s it. To me step mum is a more formal relationship, not just someone who starts a relationship with a parent.

I think long term this won’t work. It’s perfectly fine not to want to have children. He’s thinking because you are a woman you must want to take this role. If the roles were reversed a woman wouldn’t expect a man to give up all their time to play families.

If they had been teenagers and doing their own thing, you doing your own thing, this could have worked. But like this, no.
They are still young and there are years and years where your weekends will be sucked up like this.

I can’t believe a man moves into your house for free and then tells you what to do with your time. The more I think of it the more angry I am getting for you.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum, however really I think you should be thinking of asking him to leave as this is not going to work.

My kids are with their dad every other weekend plus he takes them to activities in the week.I wouldn’t expect a step parent to be that involved tbh. I.e your partner takes them on activities while you do your hobbies but have dinner together etc. So you’re not as involved. If the rota isn’t working sit down and consider other options such as more in the week and every other weekend. It has to work for both parents though.

Dump him
Don't date men with kids
Enjoy your horses.

There has to be a balance between you both. Dh and I share children together and yet we both go out to our own hobbies and interests and have time away from dc.

It’s life and the dc do not need you both with them at every moment they are with you. I used to see my dad every other weekend as a child and would often wish we could spend time together without his new wife but that never happened.

I would say that if he unwilling to change at all or care about your wants and needs then maybe you are not compatible despite how much you love him…

What if he was single?
The time at the weekend is for the children to spend with their father.

He’s got a great set up here 🤣

sorry I think he is more cocklodger than devoted dad. Otherwise he would have suggested to contribute a lot more financially despite you owning your home. He definitely should have insisted on paying his way.

I was 34 when I was loaded with same BS about “but we are now a family”. Run, you really don’t need this at 30. Just imagine this for the next FIFTEEN years (at least). Do you really want a life like that?

yes you might as well be single and find someone more suitable

Firstly, stepmothers are ALWAYS evil on this site. So be prepared to read all that nonsense about it being a package, how traumatized the kids are already by the split, how you need to bury ALL your needs on that altar of the kids etc. It’s all nonsense. Reality is that you just need to have clear boundaries and prioritize your own needs. Of course, you can’t check out completely if you chose to live together but you absolutely an do your own thing for 75% of the time and do 25% together. I did this with my own DC, different split obviously but there were certain non- negotiables for me to stay sane and happy, such as lies in on the weekend, own hobbies that were as much of a priority as the kids’. A family is a system where broadly everyone’s needs should be taken into account to survive long-term. You are absolutely entitled to do prioritize your own especially given these are not even your kids. If this doesn’t work, it’s not meant to be, but it also means it wouldn’t have worked otherwise either - because you’d become resentful, frustrated and exhausted over time. Given differences in outlooks though, I wouldn’t have moved together, and continued dating instead. He sapinds line a user. Sorry OP.

Also parents with their own children find time for hobbies

If I carry on as I was before, spending my weekend how I want, he will just say I might as well be single.

@NellyElly1 that is what you need to do, cut your losses and get rid of him.

If you waste any more time on him, you will end up feeling resentful, and it will end at some point anyway.

Get out now, live the rest of your life how you want to, and let him go back to his mums until he finds someone else to pay for everything.

If I carry on as I was before, spending my weekend how I want, he will just say I might as well be single.

@NellyElly1 that is what you need to do, cut your losses and get rid of him.

If you waste any more time on him, you will end up feeling resentful, and it will end at some point anyway.

Get out now, live the rest of your life how you want to, and let him go back to his mums until he finds someone else to pay for everything.

It’s not the total amount of time, but the weekend time that seems a lot.

I wouldn’t be happy with that in your shoes, OP.

I’d just get a new partner tbh . I don’t know what you expected .

Op you sound a great catch, you’re at a life stage where you need to think about if you want your own kids, he sounds like he is ripping the pi*s financially and mentally. I mean this kindly but his kids probably don’t want you around all the time either and want to spend time with their dad. please put boundaries in place or dump him!

If you don't want kids don't be with someone who has kids. Don't pull his kids away from him. He's a bit shit for wanting you to parent them with him but you can't change that so just leave him.

Please tell us you are taking all this on board OP? You've been led right down the garden path here, he must be laughing at you. Even if he paid his way this isn't a great start, but let's face it - he's never going to pay his way.

So what's your plan now?

Not her fault that the parents split! If the mother gets the drudge, that’s something she (the mother) should have out with the father.

I agree with everyone else op - he's taking you for a mug. Can you tell him that the kids need time alone with him? My friends DC who have step mums absolutely hate the fact they never get to see their dad on their own. It's always 'family time' with the half and step siblings and never getting a moment alone with their own parent. Would be consider that as a point? Ie it benefits his kids to be with him alone.

Oh for goodness sake would you two pack it in?

Arguing the toss over your little disagreement. Set up your own thread to argue further, I’m so done with posters arguing back and forth with their tinny mind numbing egotistical arguments.

im right
no I’m right

and on and on and.

piss off, the pair of you.

That’s what I was trying to say. To only get a clear weekend every 5 weeks seems wrong.