Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Sometimes I read things on here & wonder how the fuck someone gets into a particular situation.

Willingly it seems.

Least of my concerns would be he's kids you are paying for everything?? 🛌 time must be spectacular!

A cocklodger who has found a nanny with a fanny! OP, I hope the wisdom of Mumsnet will give you food for thought and that you will either very firmly carve out time and space for yourself or, even better, give up on this relationship.

I started off thinking YABU but have come to see that he's just awful.
No it's not normal. Normally both parents share fun weekends and workday week days. But he is such a Disney dad he wants most of the fun.
He is a Cocklodger and will probably tell you, you should be taking care of them more, especially when they become more awkward. And if living with you he should be contributing more.

Really however much you think you love him, it sounds like he should be thrown back in the pond.
You want different things from life, and he is both controlling and a taker.

Yeah bollocks to that. The expression "come as a package" is relevant when one partner is demanding that the other partner should actively deprioritise their preexisting children in favour of the new partner/children.

But that's not what your asking from him. You're not in any way trying to stand in the way of his relationship with his kids - you just don't want to be forced to be a constant participant.

I so agree.

A lot of men seem to be very good at doing the ‘single man’ thing, worming their way into a woman’s heart/knickers and then dropping the kids off a few months later, forever. These young single women are oblivious to the tornado of change coming towards them. Madness.

That said I thought having kids would be easy🤪🤣🤪 I was so naive.

So he's an entitled cock lodger. A small contribution when he can Sheesh.

Honey you're in a pickle here.

He won't want to go back to his parents so you have more power than you think.

I'd suggest every other weekend and stick to it. It's less chaotic for you, their mother and the children.

It's not just time, it's also types of time.

Four out of every five weekends sounds like too much of a burden to me. You do not need to be with him every minute of the time his DCs are with you, and that does sound unreasonable of him to expect it of you.

You need to spend time with your horses, just from a welfare point of view, let alone your relaxation and enjoyment. I think you need to demand that this is part of your joint lives, schedule that in and tell him that's when you will be doing your thing with them. Everything else must work around that.

Sounds like he's doing all the taking and you're doing all the giving atm

I suggest you read back.

You said parents who break up families are selfish. Unless they've been abused and that's okay.

I think you're talking shite and not living in the real world. Marriages have to end for reasons other than abuse and that isn't selfish.

I'm going to be blunt Op. End it. This is not the life you want and it never will be. I was in a very similar situation to you, even down to opening my home to him and, for about 50% of the week, his child. Unlike you I didn't pay shedloads of my money to support the two of them though, or pay for a lovely bedroom etc - that was down to him!
I had 3 horses and my own lovely little yard. That was something I'd always wanted since I was a little girl, I never wanted children. He knew that right from the start. He always said that his time with his daughter was so important, he loved them doing their thing together, I didn't need to tag along unless I want to. Until he moved in...
Gradually, the demands on me to spend time with the two of them increased. He even said 'now you're a step mum...' Like you I felt pressured when I was with my horses. Instead of leisurely 'horse time' I was clock watching while I turned them out, mucked out and left without spending time with them or riding. I got more and more miserable. Then one night he tried to row with me because I was going to be away at a horse camp for the weekend of his son's birthday (with a trainer from Australia - a once in a lifetime chance!). I just flipped, I'm not proud of how I reacted, but it was such a build up of stress and frustration. I threw a case at him and told him to pack it. Screeched at him until he did and left the house. Cried and cried and then I went to my yard, made a cuppa, sat with my horses milling around me and cried a bit more. I then started to realise that a weight had lifted off me. I tacked up and went for a good hack beside a river and through woods. I had my life back.

That's not really true in a five week cycle they each get 4 X 1 weekend evening and day " off" and 1 weekend completely free, sounds reasonable tbh assuming Dad is working ft.

So you're not married
You don't share finances or have a house together
But somehow for the purposes of free childcare, you are a "unit", a "team".
How very convenient for him. I wonder why his 1st wife left him. I imagine it's because he's selfish and always looking to offload the hard work and responsibility onto someone else(sorry).

It’s not going to work OP. Your resentment is just going to build and I do genuinely think he’s taking the piss on several levels.

If you want him in your life, he needs to move out of your place. He should be sorting his own place out but has no incentive to do that while he’s freeloading off you (I bet he’s not saving!). So back to his parents he goes.

Kids can spend time there with him and their grandparents. You and him can have date nights, overnights at yours when the kids aren’t around, planned family days where you join them and “bond” as he calls it. Take your time, see how it goes.

You’re saying that you’re losing yourself in this and it’s not right, not for anyone. You’re still v young and should be enjoying your horses and whatever else you want to do.

You didn’t decide to have kids, he did - you can decide whether to be a stepmum though. I totally think the kids are the priority, but they’re his priority this early in your relationship.

Yes, and may this be a warning to all other young women who are considering setting up home with a man who has young children.

Just DON'T!

So if parents who split are selfish @WillLiveLife - why did you choose to get married to a selfish man?

Also, he must have been paying a very very small amount of spousal maintenance as that is included as income, so that plus a part time job yet still being able to claim benefits, - it must have been a tiny amount.

Back to the op, since the current tangent is to too ridiculous to bother with...

A normal healthy relationship would sound like this...

'I've got Jack and Anne coming today'
'Oh how lovely, I'm off out with my horses, see you later.'
'Laters.'

I am not stupid and would never be deliberately so.

You are saying that unless you have been abused you are selfish to break up the family. I said there are other reasons that a partner needs to leave a marriage. You say in that case the person is selfish.

You say now that parents who split are breaking up a family but you never said that exact thing before and I never commented on that.

I say you are wrong. There are numerous reasons someone needs to leave a marriage and they are NOT selfish.

I never said you said abuse was okay so take that back.

I am not the one being stupid here.

OP, maybe the best thing is for him/ them to move back out to his parents' place. You sound really kind and lovely, but he has no regard for your needs in this relationship. He sounds really selfish. You are only 30 and should be enjoying your life, living it as you wish. Children, aged 4 and 8, are a huge commitment and it doesn't sound like your parter is being reasonable towards you or listening to what you are saying. If I were the kids, I would want some alone time with my dad. If I were you, I would want some free time away from the family. You are in your prime and have the right to enjoy your free time - even biological parents have the right to have hobbies and a bit of free time. You will soon burn out if this carries on because he is disregarding your needs, as are you. I wonder why he divorced? This thread is leaving me feeling so frustrated on your behalf. In this day and age, women are still putting their needs on the back burner for kids that aren't their own. What sacrifices has he made for you? It sounds like he's got a good deal.

Oh mate! You’ve gone and saddled yourself with a cocklodger. With additional small people. At 30!!!!

My DD is 27 and I would be distraught if she were in your situation. He pays a little when he can manage it? Are you fucking serious?

OK. Here’s what you do. You tell him it isn’t working for you, and he needs to move back out. You will continue to date him as you did previously.

His response to this will tell you everything you need to know.

He saw you coming.

Why do you adore this selfish, controlling cocklodger?

No. You accused me of something. I patiently explained my point. You won't admit you're wrong.

we can agree on that.