How to get step daughter to move home

[stepparentinghell]

How can I convince my step daughter to move back to her mums.
I am literally at my wits end, this has caused me to start self harming again as has triggered my abandonment anxiety, my kids are stressed too as they feel left again.

Basically we don't live with my partner, we have always lived separately but will stay at each others houses. For 5 years this has worked.

6 weeks ago via daughter fell out with her mother and moved into his. Since then he doesn't stay, we don't stay at his, he doesn't come back for lunch breaks etc. my life and my kids life is upside down. My eldest feels it's just someone else leaving him again.

Stepdaughter basically is loving living with him because he gives her money for whatever she wants, beauty treatments, clothes. She is 12. She is a little shit at school and he doesn't care. She ripped all her acrylics nails off as he wouldn't replace one broken one and he's now talking about taking her to have them re done again. He works all the time she is always on her own; she was caught by me cooking with hot oil and using a plastic coliandee to take food out the oil. I went mad as I was worried for her safety but her mother and dad had w go at me. Instead of thinking their 12 year old is home alone all the time and playing with gas flakes and oil. She wanted a new phone so she has the new iPhone 15 pro, her mum apparently doesn't buy clothes for her so he's constantly buying them. This means now he complained even more to me about the money I have and her and how skint he is. I have come to stay at his tonight as his other daughter is here. And he's so focused on what else can he buy this 12 year old. He's given her his bank card for his seperate account so she always has money on her. She is staying because of what she gets out of him. His ex wife is more concerned with what I am doing and saying on fb etc. I am at my wits end. I just want our life back. Where when my kids were at their dads we could have time to ourselves etc. He has booked to come on holiday to Greece with me and my kids, he's never come abroad with us as his ex wouldn't let him buy passports. But this year he's decided he will come, I am now worried he will bail because the daughter will have to go back to her mothers for the 2 weeks. And again this lets my kids down! I am so bloody fed up with this all. It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked. He's even said that since she been staying even if she goes back he won't be staying at mine as much because he's now use to not being up earlier as my kids get up earlier. It's literally ruined. I have come upto bed at 8 because I am just fed up of watching it all tonight he's not even bothered to come up. But says I am the bad guy if I leave and he will tell everyone it's because his daughter moved in

It's not often I struggle to get my head around things, but this is a whole new level of 'wtf?'...

1. She isn't your step daughter. You don't regard her as a member of your household. You don't even see her as an equal to your own children
2. Your partner absolutely should prioritise his daughter over you and your kids
3. The financial situation of her mother is fuck all to do with you
4. You aren't only resentful of a 12 year old, you're clearly very jealous
5. Your kids are your responsibility
6. Engaging in risky behaviour like self harm whilst kids are in the house is extremely irresponsible and reckless. You need to seek professional help
7. You need to leave this relationship and work on yourself. Relying on a man who has other, far more important, commitments than you and your kids isn't going to work for you

Do better.

@Nanny0gg he hasn't got their birth certificates; and yes he could buy that and the passports but she has stopped him
Taking them in this country before; so he doesn't want to risk paying thousands to go abroad and then she say no

If he's got PR he can take them on holiday in this country

You are not answering what people are saying to you

This 'relationship' has disaster for your children written all over it

And the only one you're bothered about is you

You're not enjoying the relationship. You're enjoying the drama, even unconsciously, and creating it tenfold in really immature and passive aggressive ways.

The entire thing sounds like hard work and that you're past your best with it. It'd time to pull back and concentrate on parenting your children and let him parent his child separately because you both are at an impasse and it will not improve as each thinks the other is the one in the wrong (and you're also blaming the 12 year old who is a product of her upbringing from both parents.)

Time to be single and focus on your children imo.

Because they're not his children, and you're not even living as a blended family permanently under one roof. His DD should absolutely come first with him and if she needs to live at his place right now then he'd be a very shitty parent if he told her to go back to his mum so you can play happy families. Step mums often get an unfairly tough time on here, but you're not getting it unfairly. If someone posted anything like you did about my kids or my parenting or thought about my kids the way you think about SD they would be gone from my life so fast.

You and your partner both sound awful. I just feel sorry for all the children involved in this.

@Nanny0gg I am thinking of my children that's why I am trying to make it work because they idolise him xx

Your creating this shit show
split and let him concentrate on her and you on your own kids

Nope.

Not a good enough reason when he has to think of his own children first

OP, my advice to you is as follows:

1. Stop expecting your DP to prioritise your kids over his own. They will never be his priority because they are not his responsibility.
2. Stop trying to play happy families with a man who is clearly a shit parent to his own children. If he is a crap parent to them, he has nothing of value to offer yours.
3. Accept that you and your dc's father are responsible for the wellbeing of your children. Nobody else. You need to provide the stability and support in their lives without looking to others to do this.
4. Stop posting shit on Facebook.

I am gobsmacked that your using your children as a reason to make it work, it's a shit show. Do not use them as an excuse, that's new kind of fucked up behaviour, truly disgusting.

You are coming across worse each time you post. This is thoroughly narcissistic behaviour on both yours and your partners parts. Absolutely awful, no wonder the mh of young people is shit nowadays, it's because of the toxic adults in their lives.

What an absolute shitshow. You are not the right person for a blended family. End the relationship and concentrate on your own children.

The 'little shit' is not you SD she's your boyfriends DD. What a horrible way to talk about someone you should care about.

You have massively overstepped your place in this dynamic. If he wanted to live with you, he would. Please start to prioritise your DC over your BF and stop using SH as a manipulation tactic.

Your DC have not been abandoned by your BF, he never lived with them. This young girl (12) is not a little shit - she is a child.

WTF? You want her to go home so you can have him back to yourself 🙄

This is crazy, grow up.

Grow the fuck up.

Since you are mot living together you cannot demand for any say in his living arrangements.

He promised my kids so why should he let them down

Because he has his own daughter. She has to come before your children. She's his actual daughter.

Why would you want a man who wouldn't put his child first?

...but I will not be spoken to the way she does or allow her to brag about all her school detentions; the money she gets etc as she is taken the piss our my partner and I want to protect him

You need to leave this girl alone. Your partner should be telling you to back off and it looks as if he's making plans to do that.

As for you wanting to 'protect' your partner. Grow up! He does not need your protection. Your children should be your priority only they aren't - he is. HIs priority is his child, yours is him. That is absolutely pathetic.

You have children. Put your own issues aside for now to help them deal with theirs.

It's horrible to read of grown women putting men before their own children. Do better by them.

OP I’m a step mum but you’re being completely unreasonable.

A parents first priority is to their kids.
It sounds like the root cause of your issue is that you can’t agree with the way her parents, that isn’t going to change.

You need to reset your mindset, you don’t have a stepchild problem, your problem is with your partner.

A reminder she’s 12. Not 21. And still needs help and guidance which needs to be his priority.

Does it make you feel good to speak about children like this?

What you are writing OP is frankly embarrassing...

You need to manage their expectations. His children come before your children, every day of the week. You have allowed someone who is less invested in this relationship than you to become a father figure to your children.

He has said that he doesn’t want to spend as much time at yours even if his daughter moves back home. Because your children get up early. This isn’t a man who is committed to being a family with your children. You think he’ll come back to you more because he’ll be lonely? Don’t be the woman who’s using sex to keep a part time man.

The best thing you can do is try to moderate the relationship so they become less attached to him.