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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How to get step daughter to move home

168 replies

stepparentinghell · 20/07/2024 23:15

How can I convince my step daughter to move back to her mums.
I am literally at my wits end, this has caused me to start self harming again as has triggered my abandonment anxiety, my kids are stressed too as they feel left again.

Basically we don't live with my partner, we have always lived separately but will stay at each others houses. For 5 years this has worked.

6 weeks ago via daughter fell out with her mother and moved into his. Since then he doesn't stay, we don't stay at his, he doesn't come back for lunch breaks etc. my life and my kids life is upside down. My eldest feels it's just someone else leaving him again.

Stepdaughter basically is loving living with him because he gives her money for whatever she wants, beauty treatments, clothes. She is 12. She is a little shit at school and he doesn't care. She ripped all her acrylics nails off as he wouldn't replace one broken one and he's now talking about taking her to have them re done again. He works all the time she is always on her own; she was caught by me cooking with hot oil and using a plastic coliandee to take food out the oil. I went mad as I was worried for her safety but her mother and dad had w go at me. Instead of thinking their 12 year old is home alone all the time and playing with gas flakes and oil. She wanted a new phone so she has the new iPhone 15 pro, her mum apparently doesn't buy clothes for her so he's constantly buying them. This means now he complained even more to me about the money I have and her and how skint he is. I have come to stay at his tonight as his other daughter is here. And he's so focused on what else can he buy this 12 year old. He's given her his bank card for his seperate account so she always has money on her. She is staying because of what she gets out of him. His ex wife is more concerned with what I am doing and saying on fb etc. I am at my wits end. I just want our life back. Where when my kids were at their dads we could have time to ourselves etc. He has booked to come on holiday to Greece with me and my kids, he's never come abroad with us as his ex wouldn't let him buy passports. But this year he's decided he will come, I am now worried he will bail because the daughter will have to go back to her mothers for the 2 weeks. And again this lets my kids down! I am so bloody fed up with this all. It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked. He's even said that since she been staying even if she goes back he won't be staying at mine as much because he's now use to not being up earlier as my kids get up earlier. It's literally ruined. I have come upto bed at 8 because I am just fed up of watching it all tonight he's not even bothered to come up. But says I am the bad guy if I leave and he will tell everyone it's because his daughter moved in

OP posts:
socks1107 · 20/07/2024 23:48

stepparentinghell · 20/07/2024 23:29

@POTC my kids have always lived with me, his hasn't and it was always they stayed two nights a week which worked. My youngest is autistic and he is so thrown and upset because his routine has been disrupted with her moving in, he also has never known life without him in it. My eldest he witnessed the trauma, the peeing everywhere etc when my previous partner have left and he's putting him through this again.

Your child's routine is your responsibility. Not his nor his 12 year olds.

pandasorous · 20/07/2024 23:48

stepparentinghell · 20/07/2024 23:27

@KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop she moved in because she didn't want to do sports day and her mum said she would have to and she thought her dad would let her get away with it.
I had a conversation the other week as she told him her friend was staying and we went out and she kept asking for money. I said to the SD that her mum isn't releasing the CB or UC elements and stop CSA so she's getting £600 a month extra and her daughter doesn't live with her! And that she needs to be careful asking him for all this money, next minute she's asking him
To buy her and her friend a bracelet. She is literally scrounging for money

what the actual fuck
no matter how spoilt the 12 year old, your vitriolic attitude is just plain nasty
stop hating a child and accept this relationship is doomed (mainly because you need to work on yourself) and break up so you can get some therapy.
stop traumatising other people's children and stop traumatising your own children by making them cope with such bullshit set ups in the future.

Spartak · 20/07/2024 23:48

Why don't you send your own DC to live with their Dad? Then they won't be upset if your boyfriend stays or doesn't stay.

Justcallmebebes · 20/07/2024 23:51

You sound furious at her, but she's a kid and he is her dad and however much it inconveniences you, he should be putting her first

The whole thing sounds batshit. Acrylic nails, discussing finances with her?

XelaM · 20/07/2024 23:54

POTC · 20/07/2024 23:26

Unless I'm missing something, you would be splitting up with him because his daughter moved in. You've said you want her to go, implying you wouldn't split up with him if she did go to her mums.
His daughter should be his priority above your children as they are not his children, same way as you are clearly making yours your priority over his.
You seem to be suggesting that your children, who are not actually related to him and have been in his life less time than his daughter, should be more important to him than his own. Flip that around and think how you'd feel if he asked you to send yours to live with their dad so he could have you alone.

This. 👏🏼

Like it or not OP, his daughter will always be more important to him than you and your kids and that's how it should be.

Xyz1234567 · 20/07/2024 23:55

This is real life, not some skanky soap opera. Start acting like an adult. Your 'partner' should be putting his children before you and it is not your place at all to talk about his finances with his ex.
You should be spending your energy focusing on your children and trying to be a decent parent to them. Cut the drama, grow up.

XelaM · 20/07/2024 23:56

pandasorous · 20/07/2024 23:48

what the actual fuck
no matter how spoilt the 12 year old, your vitriolic attitude is just plain nasty
stop hating a child and accept this relationship is doomed (mainly because you need to work on yourself) and break up so you can get some therapy.
stop traumatising other people's children and stop traumatising your own children by making them cope with such bullshit set ups in the future.

Show quote history

👏🏼

XelaM · 20/07/2024 23:58

stepparentinghell · 20/07/2024 23:40

He will soon hate being on his own and will stay again though once she goes home. He just saying it for effect right now.

Hopefully his next partner will be nicer than you.

You sound so mean and your brood is not his responsibility- his daughter is.

TotalDramarama24 · 21/07/2024 00:02

This is unbelievable! I opened the thread thinking you would be talking about someone in their 20s or older. His daughter is 12 and his responsibility. He is not the parent of your children so if they are catastrophising about a change in sleeping arrangements then that is completely on you and whatever you are telling them.

FatmanandKnobbin · 21/07/2024 00:07

If you're that reliant on a man for your self worth, routine, and your own parenting, then you're far better off being single, getting yourself in a good space, and then eventually go on to date once you're strong, resilient, and able to cope alone.

It sounds like you've got a set up that worked for your needs, and now you're pissed off that his daughter has come to live with her dad and you also sound very jealous of him prioritising her.

This isn't her fault, it's yours, you've taken this guy into your kids lives with no real commitment, or future, and now they are upset you're blaming a 12 year old for simply being a 12 year old.

The bitterness is palpable here, and you're also discussing things like her parents finances with her when it's absolutely not your place to, and you're doing it out of spite.

Be a grown up and walk away rather than trying to push a 12 yeat old girl away from her dad.

PrincessPheebs · 21/07/2024 00:09

YABU

JenniferBooth · 21/07/2024 00:15

Justcallmebebes · 20/07/2024 23:51

You sound furious at her, but she's a kid and he is her dad and however much it inconveniences you, he should be putting her first

The whole thing sounds batshit. Acrylic nails, discussing finances with her?

Oh acrylic nails is nothing. The Boots Health and Beauty mag has an article about girls this age using anti aging skincare with potent ingredients like retinol

lunar1 · 21/07/2024 00:22

This is probably the worst I've read on here, and was here for the poster who made her step daughter's sleep in an alcove on the landing!

rainbow126 · 21/07/2024 00:35

This post is so nasty. This girl and her father deserve better than you.

Jellybeanz456 · 21/07/2024 00:35

Is he your children's father?
She is home you might not like it but the childs needs come before yours and regardless off why you think she's there (money) he is her dad and she is his responsibility!!!

pandasorous · 21/07/2024 00:35

JenniferBooth · 21/07/2024 00:15

Oh acrylic nails is nothing. The Boots Health and Beauty mag has an article about girls this age using anti aging skincare with potent ingredients like retinol

Show quote history

the mind boggles

POTC · 21/07/2024 00:38

Jellybeanz456 · 21/07/2024 00:35

Is he your children's father?
She is home you might not like it but the childs needs come before yours and regardless off why you think she's there (money) he is her dad and she is his responsibility!!!

No, OP has said she stays with the partner when her children go to their dad for the weekend so he is not their father

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/07/2024 00:41

She's already home, she's with her dad.

Jellybeanz456 · 21/07/2024 00:45

POTC · 21/07/2024 00:38

No, OP has said she stays with the partner when her children go to their dad for the weekend so he is not their father

Show quote history

So op has brought a man into her kids life knowing he has a child and his own responsibility then moans about how it unsettles her kids!!

Op you are ridiculous this man is responsible for his children as you are yours, you can not force a child out off there parents house to suit you an your child's needs it doesn't work like that!

Walk away and help your children settle into a new routine this relationship will never work!!!

Ponderingwindow · 21/07/2024 00:57

She is in her father’s house, she is living at home.

if you don’t respect his parenting, then end the relationship.

If he finds out you don’t think his daughter living with him counts as living at home, he should break up with you. It’s a horrific attitude. a decent parent should not always immediately be prepared to provide a home for their minor child, unless there are extremely rare circumstances where for the minor child’s safety and/or wellbeing they need to be housed elsewhere.

Itsjustmeheretoday · 21/07/2024 01:11

POTC · 20/07/2024 23:26

Unless I'm missing something, you would be splitting up with him because his daughter moved in. You've said you want her to go, implying you wouldn't split up with him if she did go to her mums.
His daughter should be his priority above your children as they are not his children, same way as you are clearly making yours your priority over his.
You seem to be suggesting that your children, who are not actually related to him and have been in his life less time than his daughter, should be more important to him than his own. Flip that around and think how you'd feel if he asked you to send yours to live with their dad so he could have you alone.

This. This. She sounds like a brat but also she's only 12. Please seek some therapy as this is an extreme reaction given you don't even live with this man and he's not the father of your children.

pandasorous · 21/07/2024 01:14

don't think OP is coming back. I don't think she was expecting these responses

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 21/07/2024 01:45

🙈🙈🙈 You sound mental. You sound so unhinged I'm actually embarrassed for you.

Shes 12. And your kids trauma isnt his fault or responsibility.

Shes TWELVE. Of course shes going to ask for money and things to be bought, why wouldnt she? Shes a child?

Her mum is only focused on what you write on Facebook? If it's anything like this post then I'm not surprised she has an issue with it

Honestly, leave this man, let him raise his daughter in peace and go and get yourself some severe counselling asap.

If your DS is autistic you more than likely are to ( I was diagnosed with autism last week and my DD is on a waiting list )

You have very rigid thinking and you clearly ruminate.

It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked

Upset because your routines been messed up. Autistic

I'd go and try and get yourself the help and support you need. Theres no shame in it

BruFord · 21/07/2024 01:57

So you live separately, you with your children and your DP lives in his own house. Now his DD has moved in with him.

Why is this a big deal? He’s your boyfriend who stays over sometimes. He has no parenting responsibility for your children, they have their own Dad
He does however, have joint parental responsibility for his DD with his ex, and if she needs to live with him right now, so be it. You and your children just carry on with life at your house.

Could you ask your children’s Dad to spend more time with them instead?

TealSapphire · 21/07/2024 05:30

Surely when you get together with someone with children, no matter what the current contact arrangements are, you realise that things could change in the future?

The other parent could get ill, die, move away, or even just decide they would like to be the two day a week parent. There's always the chance your partner will end up with their children full time, it's just common sense.