How to get step daughter to move home

[stepparentinghell]

How can I convince my step daughter to move back to her mums.
I am literally at my wits end, this has caused me to start self harming again as has triggered my abandonment anxiety, my kids are stressed too as they feel left again.

Basically we don't live with my partner, we have always lived separately but will stay at each others houses. For 5 years this has worked.

6 weeks ago via daughter fell out with her mother and moved into his. Since then he doesn't stay, we don't stay at his, he doesn't come back for lunch breaks etc. my life and my kids life is upside down. My eldest feels it's just someone else leaving him again.

Stepdaughter basically is loving living with him because he gives her money for whatever she wants, beauty treatments, clothes. She is 12. She is a little shit at school and he doesn't care. She ripped all her acrylics nails off as he wouldn't replace one broken one and he's now talking about taking her to have them re done again. He works all the time she is always on her own; she was caught by me cooking with hot oil and using a plastic coliandee to take food out the oil. I went mad as I was worried for her safety but her mother and dad had w go at me. Instead of thinking their 12 year old is home alone all the time and playing with gas flakes and oil. She wanted a new phone so she has the new iPhone 15 pro, her mum apparently doesn't buy clothes for her so he's constantly buying them. This means now he complained even more to me about the money I have and her and how skint he is. I have come to stay at his tonight as his other daughter is here. And he's so focused on what else can he buy this 12 year old. He's given her his bank card for his seperate account so she always has money on her. She is staying because of what she gets out of him. His ex wife is more concerned with what I am doing and saying on fb etc. I am at my wits end. I just want our life back. Where when my kids were at their dads we could have time to ourselves etc. He has booked to come on holiday to Greece with me and my kids, he's never come abroad with us as his ex wouldn't let him buy passports. But this year he's decided he will come, I am now worried he will bail because the daughter will have to go back to her mothers for the 2 weeks. And again this lets my kids down! I am so bloody fed up with this all. It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked. He's even said that since she been staying even if she goes back he won't be staying at mine as much because he's now use to not being up earlier as my kids get up earlier. It's literally ruined. I have come upto bed at 8 because I am just fed up of watching it all tonight he's not even bothered to come up. But says I am the bad guy if I leave and he will tell everyone it's because his daughter moved in

It's not the dd fault it's his poor parenting. Which will still exist if she moves back just on a smaller scale.

Wanting him to hand back his dd to spend time with your family is pretty brutal. I'd be wary of letting someone you are seeing be so entrenched in your children's lives going forward as there's always this risk if circumstances change

No I don't put anything like this on Facebook, so one post was because I didn't include his name for xongratulsting my child on his school report (she said to him that I am just making a dig.)

The second post was because he had lied about something so I simply put 'I love to be lied to, blatantly did buy the new phone, you are just buying them'. Because he told me he hadn't bought her a new phone.

The other post was because I said I was starting counselling to try and get over my abandonment anxiety. This was literally it.

He always complains that I buy my kids too many shoes... or too many toys... or because they have the latest iPad etc. yet he's now doing the same. So he can't complain.

Then her complaint was because I put on Facebook I bought a new car and she was like 'she shouldn't be able to afford thus whilst on sick from work'... my finances have nothing to do with her.

I had put in about my holiday and she was saying to my partner I shouldn't be allowed a holiday as I've been signed off since March. Well this holiday was booked last August.
It's everything I do she has an issue with.

No he isn't my children's dad but he was thwre all the time. We both would always stay at each others house with my kids. Buy now we can't come stay when he's working because his daughter is here and he wants it to be a quiet place for her. Because apparently doesn't like her mums because her mum is more shouty and the house apparently smells of dog pee.

She is playing the classic game though of going to dad because mum says no she can't afford something or won't buy something. So she immediately runs to him, she was even saying to her friend on the phone that she gets whatever she wants so she'll stay for a while. He heard this but still doesn't see what he's doing is wrong.

Also I don't necessarily expect her to have to fully move back. But for him to say to her, you need to stay at your mums for the 2 nighgw a week you would stay at mine when you lived with your mum. He could then stay and spend time with us.
He has even said no one asked him what he wanted and he now has no time for anything for himself, he use to be able to stay after work for a drink before coming to mine: he now can't, we could have random nights away we now can't.

I am not sure how he's going to come on holiday yet, reckons he will jusr say she has to go home for his work for 2 weeks and rhen say he can't have the other the weekend once we are away x

That's parenting, you can't just have a drink after work, or stay at your girlfriend house when you fancy, weekends away.
Your holiday may not happen, I'm a bit stunned you talk about abandonment issues but you intend to lie to a 12 year old as she obviously hasn't been invited. You're literally abandoning her!

My advice of stay off Facebook, concentrate on your children and have a good think about your future. All children in this situation should be as equal as each other not just yours.

@socks1107
In 5 years he has never come abroad with us because his children weren't allowed. This year he has decided to as my kids asked him again like they always do. Every year he has said to them no and he's always told his kids he's said no. The mum won't let him buy passports and take them. So hopefully by him coming this time it'll show her what her kids miss out on by her saying no.

It's his choice in how he's dealing with telling his daughter not mine. I am leaving them
To the decision making

I think he needs to leave the relationship and focus on his daughter.

He's being a better parent than you are right now.

Step back from trying to sabotage their relationship and work on building an emotionally secure environment for your own children.

Your children live with their parent which is you; yet you have a problem with your dp's child living with him. Your children get to see you everyday but you don't want your stepdaughter to see her dad everyday.

You say this situation has triggered abandonment issues in your child. Have you not considered that your step daughter is feeling the same. This will explain her behaviour, she has parents who are shit & a dad who cares more about his girlfriend & her kids. The poor kid.

You need to end the relationship and not date at all to be honest. Also get some therapy to work out the issues and become empathetic. This is a 12 Yr old child who is struggling to understand her life & she's on the cusp of puberty. You're just self absorbed and selfish about having your own needs met. Disgraceful really.

This is one of the most awful, horrifying and unhinged posts I have read for sometime.
Why you with a bloke who has a child that you don't want in your life? They are a package deal. Your the one messing your kids up, you selfish women.

You're self harming because your boyfriend is buying his daughter stuff and not going on holiday with your children?

You're desperate for a 12 year old to leave her home with her father so you and your children can stay the weekend or have him come to you for the weekend?

You sound completely unreasonable and unwell.

You need to do better for yourself and your children.

We had the same situation for years so we didn't go. It was all of us or none of us.

Would you abandon your children for a bloke? Why are you asking a father to abandon his daughter? Your self harming behaviour is similar to abusive men who threaten to harm themselves if their partners leave them. Very emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviour.

You sound absolutely batshit.

@socks1107
But why should the resident children have to miss out because the step children mother is choosing to not allow them to come because she 'wants to take them abroad first'. Realistically she will never be able to afford too. She spends too much on weed and takeaways. My kids won't get to go away with their dad so it's down to me only. Hence why my partner has never come before. But also think he's at the point he needs a holiday his last holiday was 6 years ago to turkey with a ex (she has no kids so they went just two of them.)

I think if you're honest with yourself, the holiday is a power play by you to drive a wedge between him and his DD. Its very clear you're trying to get back control.

With small kids it's unlikely to be a restful holiday for him, so you're not being honest there.

You need to take your kids on holiday yourself and focus on getting emotionally stable so your kids can feel safe and secure.

The second post was because he had lied about something so I simply put 'I love to be lied to, blatantly did buy the new phone, you are just buying them'. Because he told me he hadn't bought her a new phone.

This is unhinged.

Writing PA statements about a 12 year old child on Facebook is absolutely ridiculous.

You're a grown up, you're a parent, you need to start acting like one.

You're not a victim here, but this 12 year old girl who you're discussing her parents finances with and writing stupid Facebook posts about is.

You go in this country which we did for years. Or you go on your own you don't leave a child out.
Read your comment back - it will show her what she's missing out on.

She is 12!!! It will give her issues with abandonment, it will make her distrust you and she will know you've lied.

If you're not prepared to blend a family at this point you shouldn't be together.
And maybe he lied about the phone because he knows you'll kick off. You are manipulative and abusive

I also suspect he's having similar thoughts about pulling back from the relationship and therefore doesn't see any need to stay over more or ask his DD to go back to her mum's. You're picking up on these signals and blaming a 12 year old.

You really need to take a deep breath and let this relationship go.

What am I reading??

op are you actually reading what you’re writing here? You’re putting so many embarrassing and passive aggressive statuses on Facebook? Are you 16 and back in 2010?!

he doesn’t live with you? So why would you have a say on how often his own daughter stays with him. You don’t even live there.

shes 12. None of this is a 12 year olds fault.

he isn’t putting your child through trauma by seeing his own child. You are, by involving your children in such a ridiculous situation

Are you very young? You sound incredibly immature

You don't sound resilient enough to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

There will inevitably be ups and downs, changes of plans, differing parenting styles, compromises, input from exes etc.

His DD is going through a tricky stage. He's perhaps not parenting well, but you've made it all about you and your DC.

To be honest, you're behaving as brattily as she is.

I think you should take a break from the relationship for a while. Get your own life and the DC's back on an even keel where you just focus on them.

Maybe in time you'll reconnect with him. But at the moment the relationship isn't working and it's not the 12yo's fault.

@socks1107 I meant it as in the mum will see what the children are missing out on and maybe allow them to come:

I told him the other week the relationship was over because if this all and he was the one to convince me it was worth saving, and we can make it work. So I don't believe he is pulling back.

He has said this week he will try to come for lunch more again with the kids; I have said she can come too. I have also said before she could have dinner and stay on the camp bed but apparently
I need to make her a room: my plan is to make my kids share if his kids stayed at mine and put bunk beds in one of their rooms.

My children are 7 and 10 so they are perfectly capable on holiday if going in the pool on their own; they go to kids club as they enjoy it, they do the water park attached to the hotel in sections and we watch etc as my kids are very good swimmers. They are less needy and clingy than his 10 and 12 year old.

No I am not young I am 31. If we could adapt and make it work then yes it would be great; but I will not be spoken to the way she does or allow her to brag about all her school detentions; the money she gets etc as she is taken the piss our my partner and I want to protect him

Is the money he gets for supposedly being your carer being spent on his daughter?

As so often with posters who do thread after similar thread you’ve missed a lot of relevant info out of this latest one.

If that's true that you wanted to end it, then just end it. It's never going to work with the dynamic the way it is.

Put your own children first and leave him and his DD to it.

Be the parent you need to be for your own children.

You are the one chosing to keep them in a situation that is causing them stress. You could chose to end it today and stop playing games in trying to sabotage his relationship with his DD.

It is hard to believe that a Mother would allow her Children to exposed to such a shit show, I mean you read it and see it in the news but here it is.

Your poor kids.

This.

Ah. Can you expand on that?