How to get step daughter to move home

[stepparentinghell]

How can I convince my step daughter to move back to her mums.
I am literally at my wits end, this has caused me to start self harming again as has triggered my abandonment anxiety, my kids are stressed too as they feel left again.

Basically we don't live with my partner, we have always lived separately but will stay at each others houses. For 5 years this has worked.

6 weeks ago via daughter fell out with her mother and moved into his. Since then he doesn't stay, we don't stay at his, he doesn't come back for lunch breaks etc. my life and my kids life is upside down. My eldest feels it's just someone else leaving him again.

Stepdaughter basically is loving living with him because he gives her money for whatever she wants, beauty treatments, clothes. She is 12. She is a little shit at school and he doesn't care. She ripped all her acrylics nails off as he wouldn't replace one broken one and he's now talking about taking her to have them re done again. He works all the time she is always on her own; she was caught by me cooking with hot oil and using a plastic coliandee to take food out the oil. I went mad as I was worried for her safety but her mother and dad had w go at me. Instead of thinking their 12 year old is home alone all the time and playing with gas flakes and oil. She wanted a new phone so she has the new iPhone 15 pro, her mum apparently doesn't buy clothes for her so he's constantly buying them. This means now he complained even more to me about the money I have and her and how skint he is. I have come to stay at his tonight as his other daughter is here. And he's so focused on what else can he buy this 12 year old. He's given her his bank card for his seperate account so she always has money on her. She is staying because of what she gets out of him. His ex wife is more concerned with what I am doing and saying on fb etc. I am at my wits end. I just want our life back. Where when my kids were at their dads we could have time to ourselves etc. He has booked to come on holiday to Greece with me and my kids, he's never come abroad with us as his ex wouldn't let him buy passports. But this year he's decided he will come, I am now worried he will bail because the daughter will have to go back to her mothers for the 2 weeks. And again this lets my kids down! I am so bloody fed up with this all. It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked. He's even said that since she been staying even if she goes back he won't be staying at mine as much because he's now use to not being up earlier as my kids get up earlier. It's literally ruined. I have come upto bed at 8 because I am just fed up of watching it all tonight he's not even bothered to come up. But says I am the bad guy if I leave and he will tell everyone it's because his daughter moved in

When you said "me and their dad" were you talking about your ex or boyfriend?

God just stay off facebook. It all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle.

If you had any interest in blending you wouldn't resent his daughter.

If you were writing nasty statements about my kids tying things from their father on Facebook. I’d be fuming and no way would I want you taking my children anywhere as the resentment is dripping off you.

it really feels like don’t want him to have any involvement with his daughter.

you have two active parents they see, reduced time with your boyfriend is not abandonment. You need stronger boundaries.

but really you need to leave this man’s and his children ALONE.

I hope you didn’t say that her Dad can ‘finally’ stay with you because she was staying with a friend to her or in her hearing? Because what a way to make a young girl feel rejected and unwanted. Do you not think she already feels second best because her Dad’s life has been so intertwined with your kids’?

And you have absolute business discussing her Mum’s UC or finances if any kind with her. Or telling her what her Dad should or should not be spending his money on.

It is a power play on your part, whether you acknowledge it or not. You are actively trying to sideline his DD for your own needs.

It doesn't matter what he wants to do with your kids or what he promised, you are their mother, you don't set them up for disappointment and then blame someone else. That's on you. Take some responsibility for putting your kids in a toxic situation that is causing them distress.

You are not a step parent, nor are you in a blended family. You dont even live together. You have no say over his DD at all. Your job is to protect you own children by not allowing them to get their hopes up or push a pseudo father figure on them in a very unstable situation.

Their distress is on you not him. You need to make better choices and stop scape goating a 12 year old child.

@ohthejoys21 their biological dad. I wrote about me and their biological dad. His ex wife saw it as because I didn't include my current partner I was Making a dig at him

31 years of age and acting with about the same level of maturity as the fucking 12 year old.

@LegendInMyOwnLunchtime no she said she was going to stay at her friends house so my response was
'Well it you would like to come and stay again tomorrow night your welcome too and the boys would love you staying over.'

I am not sure how he's going to come on holiday yet, reckons he will jusr say she has to go home for his work for 2 weeks and rhen say he can't have the other the weekend once we are away x

Am I reading this right? He's going to lie to his daughter that she has to be at her mum's because of his work and then once you're away say he can't see her for a scheduled stay? Everything you have said makes me think that you are getting this whole situation completely wrong and you are letting all your children down. Do better.

Then don't bring men into your children's lives

See them outside

And break up with this one. He needs to prioritise his DD

@JenniferSaundersIsMyMum
He has two children.
He is telling the one that is living with him that she'll need to go back to her mums for 2 weeks as he has prior plans from before she moved in.
We go Monday- the following Friday so 11 nights.

It means he will miss one weekend with his other daughter. He will say to her irs because he's working or something

So he's lying. That's shit parenting.

I'm interested to know what kind of a parent your ex is to your kids. Is he involved or useless? As that would (even if it shouldn't) influence you trying to replace him.

My kid's dad was useless/abusive. I met my current dh when they were small. Dh was an exceptional dad to his kids and an incredible role model to mine (still is). If I'm honest, I wanted some of that exceptional parenting and amazing dad for my kids. He never reduced his time with his kids (I never asked him to), but even then there was huge jealousy from them as they resented him seeing us even when they were with their mum. They just didn't want to share him at all.

And she will find out. You both sound like terrible parents tbh.

@ohthejoys21
My kids see their dad every other weekend but that's all. He rarely turns up for sports days, school events etc whereas they then ask my partner and he always does.
My eldest finds it hardwork because of my youngest needs so he has really attached to my partner. He will often stay there overnight or go out n with them when he has his kids if I have prior plans etc. he has a hobby that only my partner understands the logistics and that is there thing which he doesn't get to do with his dad.

He will constantly message my partner; and he's the one that really begged him to come
On holiday

@greyrainbows I will not be posting anything on Facebook for her to see; I have also completly locked my profile down so the ex and the daughter cannot access my profile at all. The ex wife wasn't meant o have seen it but found people had shown her stuff so they have also gone

I reserve my pity for all the children involved in this absolute shitshow of a relationship. They will all reach adulthood with zero idea of how a good relationship works.

But you spoke about her and your children spending time together didn't you? Because it will for sure come up then.. the best thing to do here is tell the truth, not facilitate the lying.

You can't actually offer to take her anyway as she has no passport. I don't think you need to be dishonest.

You have abandonment issues because your boyfriend has his child living with him? And you want him to tell the child she has to go back to her mother's at least 2 days a week for him to make time for his girlfriend and her kids? The child may has well organise her own counselling for abandonment issues right now.
Yes if he doesn't get his parenting shit together she will not be a pleasant person, but he doesn't want your advice or criticism so stop it, and none of your business what he spends his money on just like it was never his place to comment on you bought for your children (unless he was financially contributing to your household.).
You are 31 years old and making a show of yourself with passive aggressive attention seeking posts on FB, you need to prioritise your children and get your head out of this drama rama, aside from anything else you are going to make his child (she isn't your step child) dig her heels in about ever going back to her mother's.

I do have some sympathy for you then. I understand everyone's feelings about his dd needing to be his absolute priority, which of course she must, she's a child. But I also know what it feels like when your kids adore and idolise your partner but always come second, same as they do with their dad. I'm not at all saying it's right to feel like that.. I'm just saying it hurts.

She’s a 12 year old! A lot of tweens and teenagers ask for lots of stuff.

The things we own such as clothes and jewellery are an expression of who we are and kids that age are developing their identities and finding their tribe.

It is between her and her dad how much he wants to spend on her. It really has absolutely nothing to do with you. And what your ex does for his kids couldn’t be more irrelevant.

So basically you are having a jealous strop because he is putting his children first! Isn’t that what a parent should do.

we all moan about mums/ dads that don’t put the kids first and that is what he’s doing now and you are complaining, her demands will get bigger as he keeps giving in, it’s his fault that she behaves the way she does.

you both need to concentrate on your own families just now.

They're not HIS resident children they're yours!

What does their father think about this shitshow?

(Oh, and he could get passports for his children if he wanted to)

@ohthejoys21
Think this is the issue, I am so hurt and upset for my kids. They knew the routine. They knew th two days a week his kids where there they took a back seat and he focused his time on them and that they got the rest of the week they weren't there. And with no warning the mum dropped her off and that was it. I am just asking to try and make a routine that works for everyone:

I get angry because I worry about how she will turn out. I did the same, u was her with my parents and it ruined me: I don't want her becoming the same; then gets herself into debt to maintain the lifestyle he got her use to.

He was and is so opionated on how I bring up my kids so I was giving him the same advice but that was wrong.

I can only advise him to tell them the truth about the holiday, but I can't force him: he is worried that if he tells them now the ex will refuse to have her baxk the two weeks x