How to get step daughter to move home

[stepparentinghell]

How can I convince my step daughter to move back to her mums.
I am literally at my wits end, this has caused me to start self harming again as has triggered my abandonment anxiety, my kids are stressed too as they feel left again.

Basically we don't live with my partner, we have always lived separately but will stay at each others houses. For 5 years this has worked.

6 weeks ago via daughter fell out with her mother and moved into his. Since then he doesn't stay, we don't stay at his, he doesn't come back for lunch breaks etc. my life and my kids life is upside down. My eldest feels it's just someone else leaving him again.

Stepdaughter basically is loving living with him because he gives her money for whatever she wants, beauty treatments, clothes. She is 12. She is a little shit at school and he doesn't care. She ripped all her acrylics nails off as he wouldn't replace one broken one and he's now talking about taking her to have them re done again. He works all the time she is always on her own; she was caught by me cooking with hot oil and using a plastic coliandee to take food out the oil. I went mad as I was worried for her safety but her mother and dad had w go at me. Instead of thinking their 12 year old is home alone all the time and playing with gas flakes and oil. She wanted a new phone so she has the new iPhone 15 pro, her mum apparently doesn't buy clothes for her so he's constantly buying them. This means now he complained even more to me about the money I have and her and how skint he is. I have come to stay at his tonight as his other daughter is here. And he's so focused on what else can he buy this 12 year old. He's given her his bank card for his seperate account so she always has money on her. She is staying because of what she gets out of him. His ex wife is more concerned with what I am doing and saying on fb etc. I am at my wits end. I just want our life back. Where when my kids were at their dads we could have time to ourselves etc. He has booked to come on holiday to Greece with me and my kids, he's never come abroad with us as his ex wouldn't let him buy passports. But this year he's decided he will come, I am now worried he will bail because the daughter will have to go back to her mothers for the 2 weeks. And again this lets my kids down! I am so bloody fed up with this all. It's like he just can't see what he's putting me through. We had our set routine and life and now it's duxked. He's even said that since she been staying even if she goes back he won't be staying at mine as much because he's now use to not being up earlier as my kids get up earlier. It's literally ruined. I have come upto bed at 8 because I am just fed up of watching it all tonight he's not even bothered to come up. But says I am the bad guy if I leave and he will tell everyone it's because his daughter moved in

You sound absolutely batshit! Of course he should be prioritising his own daughter over your kids! They’re not his responsibility at all! They are your kids not his!

The venom you have towards a 12 year old child is disguising, bet you’re the talk of the town with all this Jeremy Kyle shit playing out on Facebook 🤦🏽‍♀️

What an outrageous overstep! Who do you think you are to discuss her parents finances with her and tell her what she can or can’t ask her dad for. She’s 12!

Take yourself out of this equation.

I think calling a 12 year old a scrounger was my favourite part. Presumably @stepparentinghell children scrounge off her too?

Could not agree with this more. Astonished at what the OP has said and that she thinks it is any way reasonable.

Oh dear me no. Please just split up already

So this young girl is having issues with her mum and issues at school and her dad is doing what any half decent parent would do and spending time with her and focusing on her at at time when she really needs him - and you are jealous because it’s taking time away from you and your kids?? WTAF!!

You knew he had a child before you met him.
You knew there was a possibility that the child would live with him.

Perhaps you should take a leaf out of his book and focus on your kids, instead of your boyfriend.

You sound like a sulky teenager.

I hope for your sake he’s not on MN because if I read this then I would end my relationship over it without a second thought.

My child will always come before a partner and it would be a huge red flag if a partner ever had an issue with it.

Good for you for realising stepdaughter is a toxic little madam. She's 12, not 2 & needs to start behaving like it. A spoilt brat I wouldn't want near my family. The appalling behaviour parents tolerate and make excuses for is extraordinary.
.
And, nnbelievable the nasty, bitchy MN replies you are receiving.
Not helpful.
I feel for you, but I think this relationship is not good for you now.
Good luck, OP.

@StormingNorman
My kids don't take the piss in what they ask for and don't play games to get it.
She has openly said she will move to her dad's because he will buy it for her or let her get away with stuff. She is there because he will buy and pay for everything she wants. That's teaching her that she can whinge and whine and everything will
Be given to her: it's not an example
To set kids:
My ex has always said he won't allow the kids to live there just because they think he will buy them stuff.

Her school issues are because of her attitude towards the teachers; because she feels that she can dictate to them what she will and won't do. And he will not discipline this.

By all accounts her mum I believe as doing a good job. And was at least there. He works and leaver her on her own from 10-10
Every day

What part of her behaviour is toxic or appalling??

His daughter has to be his priority.

Poor 12yo. A stepmother who hates her and a father who can't be bothered to parent her. At least her mum seems to be at least trying, if not succeeding.

Run for the hills, for everyone's sakes.

You are writing fb statuses about this? Ffs grow the fuck up.

You sound like a total fanny.

They aren't the 'resident children'. They are your children. She is his child.

You are trying to make this bloke into the father of your children and he isn't. He's not their father, someone else is.

You aren't her parent, she doesn't live with you as a family therefore what he buys her and why and how he deals with discipline is up to him.
You're as bad as her and your in your 30s!! Self harming because he won't come over, tantrums on Facebook about phones and blaming her for your child's upset. You aren't mature enough for a blended family situation.

You are writing fb statuses about this? Ffs grow the fuck up.

And ones 'congratulating a child on their report'. Just say it to their actual face.

Surely nobody carries on like this. Every part of this is insane.

You can't expect him to prioritise you or your children over his own child. You are not being at all reasonable. Your children and the stability they experience are your responsibility. Stop looking for people to blame.

@DarkandStormyNightie it's not a power play,
He promised my kids so why should he let them down. He talks about blended families and being a father figure to my kids and even when we split the veginnning of the year he asked to always been in my children's lives. So this atm is a kick in the teeth

I wrote a Facebook status yes to say abohr my children's school reports. Lots of people do, I had put a side note on there to say that I am also proud of me and their dad for helping them ti achieve this as we have worked together as a team.

He doesn’t even live with you.

But you don't like it that he's trying to be present in his child's life although badly with laxed parenting.

Can't you see that because you're trying to push his dd out and replace her with your kids, that is why she is acting up. You and your kids are the cause of her turbulent behaviour.

You have no control over whether he has kids full time in his own house or not. And frankly it is madness regardless of your sons autism to think that any of you get a say.

you don’t like the child, fine. Her behaviour isn’t great. But none of that is relevant to you or your kids as you don’t live there.
your children’s routine in your home is not more important than him having his child home for as long as he wants.

to think he should reduce custody to benefit you and your children in a separate house is beyond cheeky. Imagine if it was the other way around everyone would be calling you a scumbag.

Unfortunately you have built your DC’s stability on someone who (of course) must prioritise his own Dc.

Your choices are to go with it, and visit when the Dd is there, and have him visit you , bringing his Dd with him, or rebuild your relationship with your kids on the basis that it is YOU who is their parent and on whom they can depend.

Tell them he hasn’t abandoned or rejected them, it is that his Dd needs him atm, and he must look after her.

I understand this is difficult for you atm but that doesn’t mean your DP is being unreasonable . He simply cannot kick his Dd out because of your children’s’ needs.

Don’t set them up as hostages to fortune like this ever again.

Yeah this. You're in your thirties and airing your dirty laundry and treating Facebook like an open diary for the world to see?

How embarrassing.

You come across like a young teen.

Because his children come first. That's unconditional. Anything involving your kids will always be conditional. It's like you've convinced yourself he's their dad!