Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

And that says it all. It is all about you. What you feel, what you want, what you need. Nothing about the feelings of your husband, SS or even your daughter in the scenario where she could have a stepmother. You sound rather unpleasant.

You understand that children can be fucked up by how they are treated at home and not actually show it do you?

I can tell you from experience that it is absolutely horrible being in a house with someone who clearly resents you and doesn't care about you.

You were unreasonable.

Regardless of our words, we show people what we think and your actions show your DSS what you think of him (and your DH can see it too which is why he's hurt)

Just admit it you do t like you step son. I find it so sad when people have kids with someone who already has kids but then have seem to have such disgust for the step kids.

OP, I can understand that you missed your 2-year old DD very much but not your 11-year old DSS. The strength of feeling for a toddler is quite something! But it's a real shame for the lad that you didn't bring him back a wee gift. As others have said, even some sweeties from the airport would have done the trick. I don't think you're the devil incarnate for it but it's very, very thoughtless. I'm curious, did you know that he wouldn't be at your house when you got home? If he had been would you have bought something for him then?

In this situation I can imagine that I would have at least asked after dss if not have asked directly to speak to him. I think you were unreasonable not to bring a small gift though. He's 11 and that clearly shows that you didn't think of him at all which could be upsetting.You clearly don't think of dss as being equal to your dd and that in my view is fine but you should communicate that to your dh who clearly thinks differently.

I'm not buying this, OP. You clearly love your DD very much so it would rankle hard if another woman with a significant presence in her life didn't care for her in a thoughtful way. Come on, now.

You're with his dad. You should try to treat him more equally with your daughter.

It’s sad you don’t give a thought to your SS. I find it odd that a child that lives with you for over 40% of the week just wouldn’t come into your thoughts! If I buy something for my nephews I’ll always get DH nephew who is the same age something. They’re only kids. And what’s a couple of quid.

Why do people do this? OP has one child. If she were to split with her DH, the step-children are NOT hers.

Poor kid. Good on your husband for advocating for him. I suspect that if you had thought enough of him as your stepson to bring him back a small gift that the call thing wouldn't have been brought up. You are sending a clear and consistent message about how little he matters to you.

@Pluddy67 you said H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

You sound like you don't like your SS. Even if he doesn't show it he will pick up that you don't treat him and his sister the same for starters.

Whatever you say, you clearly don't care about him very much. I get that he might not have wanted to speak to you every night but you could have at least asked how he was doing. He stays with you almost half the week. Regardless of whether you spoke to him while you were away, you should have bought him something, like you did your own child. Not doing so just shows how much you don't care about him

Poor boy

You're just not a nice person really. Good luck with that.

Agree. And how many step-parents really miss their stepkids when they're not there? Honestly??

I would've bought a small gift but other than that I think you're getting a lot of bashing, OP.

Of course you want to speak to, and miss, your own daughter more. But you sound pretty uncaring about all this. It's not just your feelings that are valid or count. Your husband is obviously sensitive about this - that speaks to his decency that he wants his son to be loved and included. I'd rather that than someone who didn't care about his child. One day you might split up and you might be grateful your daughter has a dad who fights her corner.

Additionally, your step son does live with you. If he's 50/50 with you he must live somewhere. Such a crappy attitude towards kids in this position.

Yeah, that was shitty OP, and good on your DH for calling you out on it.

On a positive note, you’re managing your SS’s expectations of you brilliantly. Start them young and all that.

team DSS here....yes a small gift would have been the right thing to do and you could also have asked after DSS....no need to "beg" or insist but a 'tell him hi" or something surely?

I would've done the same as you OP. The DSS wasn't there when you returned home - there was no awkwardness.

If my DC and DSS were there at the same time then I'd imagine you'd have played this differently.

As for the phone call...I doubt very much that he would have wanted to speak with you anyway. I see no problem with that either.

Where do we draw the line with this? You buy one thing whilst shopping for DD and have to put something in the trolley for DSS for when he arrives at your house? It's impossible to treat both DC the same all the time.

YABU and very much so, and you sound worse with every reply.

I can guarantee you that your disdain is 100% having a negative emotional impact on your poor DSS.

It's good that DH has called you up on it. It's normal for you to miss your DD more, but to not spare a single thought for your DSS, that's just fucked up.

Your DH might get fed up with this in the future. Imagine you two split up and he marries another woman. Your DD is 9 years old by then and this other woman doesn't give a shit about her on the three days she's there to see her dad. How would you feel then?

It's not too late for you to get your act together as a step parent and start acting like the adult. He might reject you initially, but it's up to you to make everything in your power to repair this relationship. If you don't do it now, god help all of you when he's a full blown teenager.

That's personal attitude though. My lovely late friend treated his SD the same as his own kids even after he and his ex split. He had 50/50 of all the kids, which his ex was really grateful for as his SD always knew him as her dad and his new partner accepted all 3 kids as his. If you love a child it's really not that hard, OP clearly doesn't.

Afraid I am also with DH on this - your actions show that you really don’t care for your DS, which you’ve stated is the case in not sparing a thought for him.

If I were DSS father, I would be deeply upset by this and be reevaluating my relationship because it speaks to the person you are, the lack of empathy for his child, the lack of recognition of DSS’s place within your wider circle. It’s very, very cold.

FFS my neighbours and I bring gifts (Devon fudge etc) for each other’s kids after holidays simply because we keep an eye on the other’s house/take post in when away.

Sorry- it was a bit shit. He's with you 3 nights a week- not far off 50/50- a token wee gift wouldn't have killed you, and I genuinely can't understand why you wouldn't. Not talking to him- fair enough but that really wouldn't have taken much effort from you at all.

Pluddy67 You have been hung out to dry with this question because MN has this rigid , weird fairytale image of 'blended families' it's almost 'Trumpian in its thought process. In that it asserts things to be 'true' because they want them to be and doesn't acknowledge the reality.. the most common of these are ;

'Love them like your own - you have two children' No you don't if you don't: I like my stepchildren but certainly don't live them anything like my own.

You are a family' . No we are not. We are a family with my kids and me. I have a DH. DSC have a family with their mum and mum has a DH.
The kids lives are with their mum. Their things are there. There friends are there. There clubs and all activities are there: They VISIT us. They are welcome to treat it like their own and do.. but more in the manner of a holiday home.

'It's their home too' It really isn't. Which isn't to say they aren't welcome whenever they want to stay (especially now older and can get here over their own steam. ) but a 'home' houses your 'stuff' and they take their stuff backwards and forwards. Always have done over the last 17 years. Initially it was mums insistence that nothing stays. 'Your things live at home' which just became habit.

Mine stepkids are now 22, 24, 26 twins and I can honestly say I have never once missed them in 17 years. Although always happy to see them. In fact two are with us at the moment. I just have real ambivalence towards them and suspect they feel much the same towards me. They are fun and polite and adore DH.

I am pretty sure DH feels the same towards mine. Nothing he wouldn't do for them but definitely doesn't have the unconditional love he has for his own.

So OP I would say YANBU with caveats
If he was going to be there upon your return a token gift would be appropriate - but he wasn't so that's fine. You didn't ask to speak to him ? If I had asked to say hello to my 11yr old SS while he was in the computer he would have thought me very strange and would have refused anyway. Along with 99% of 11 yr old boys .