Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

How callous you are. Yours is the very strange reaction. Disgusting actually.

Sorry, I did not mean it applies to women only - step-fathers are not only indifferent/wicked to their step-children, but downright dangerous according to most proper research. At best they are indifferent of course.

I am a step child. I am stepmother. Please take on board the earlier advice and do better from now on. It’s not hard. You may think it doesn’t matter but it does to the child whether you realise it or not. It clearly does to your husband which should matter to you. Being a step parent is a privilege. Make your own connection with the boy, you will benefit from it as much as he will in the long run.

Buying one a present and not the other is cruel and spiteful. Do you think it's acceptable? I don't and neither do the majority of people commenting on this thread

Wow

You never bought your step child a gift.

And you need a forum of strangers to tell you if that is ok?

You sound a delight.

Nasty cow

I agree with your husband! If you and your husband split up i’m sure your would want your daughter to be treated equal to any new children he had with his new partner! I actually think you’re bang out of order!!

Yeah you should have bought something , then you wouldn’t have been taking about the not speaking to him

No I don’t think that’s great. I do buy for my DSC when I go away if I buy something for my own. But that wasn’t what I was commenting on in this post. It was that she SHOULD feel the same about her DSS as her own DD or words to that effect. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell her that.

It's very telling about the step parent hatred on Mumsnet.

I said I never bought my own DC a present but bought shared DC one and nobody has said what a wicked bitch I am.

Because it's only stepchildren that are golden.

Sorry I believe the phrase was “suggest she doesn’t ViEW them the same”. But why should she view them the same. They’re not the same.

You don’t sound like a nice person

I'm a bit shocked at the strength of feeling on this thread tbh.

I don't view myself as a bad step mother but I have genuinely never once in the 7 years I've known my step children, missed them or been particularly bothered about speaking to them if I go away. I would probably ask DH if they were okay if I knew they were there but I've never asked to speak with them despite wanting to speak to my own DC every day if I'm not there.

The gift thing... meh. Probably better to get a little something but I wouldn't lose a tremendous amount of sleep over it. The age gap is massive anyway.

And as for a lot of this view them like you do your children stuff... no. That will never and has never happened. They are completely different in my view.

So your stepson and DD’s brother has lived with you for nearly half a week for at least the last 2-3 years and it didn’t cross your mind to bring him back a Toblerone from the airport, even though you brought your DD a gift? Yeah, I’m with your DH on this.

Yes, one child and one step child, two dependents in the house (one half the time), just because she isn't blood related to DSS, doesn't mean she is not joint responsible for that child's welfare and wellbeing, that's the whole step-parent gig and she signed up for it, you can't just pretend they don't exist when it suits you.

The child is always going to be special to the parent, their feelings don't ever change, but the parent shouldn't have to shun the step child/other siblings to prove that. I appreciate it is hard for a child to understand that, and it obviously was for the poster I was replying to, but it's just like when siblings come along, you have to learn to share, that's just how life is.

Sounds like you don’t care about him so that’s quite clear

What are you on about??

She isn’t responsible for him, correct. Stepparent literally just means you married a parent - it’s a title, that’s it. She has precisely zero parental responsibly for him.

So essentially, children do have to suck it up and get over it, until the children in question are stepchildren. A stepsibling acquired because your parent started a relationship with another parent, is different to a biological or adopted sibling. I can’t imagine suddenly being told that I’m not more special to my actual parent because their new partner has a kid, and ‘fair’s fair, right? Also Mumsnet might judge me if I don’t go along with this, and that’s obviously super important’. Yeah, that would not inspire harmonious relationships.

Acknowledging differences in relationships is quite normal. What is harmful, and pointless, is people trying to force blended families into the mold of nuclear ones. They’re not the same.

Wow, im actually disgusted how you’ve worded all of this, you sound like an absolute b*tch who doesn’t care for her stepson at all!
I feel so sorry for him

What’s most amusing, to me anyway, is the posters asking why OP posed the question if she’s just going to argue with the answers…as if an OP actually has to abide by majority rule, and as if they’re not just ranting at a poster that clearly doesn’t give a fuck, and left the thread days ago.

I mean you could ask more politely @TheZippyCyanHiker but "what I am on about" is that earlier in the thread I said when I go away for work I don't bring a present back for my SC but I DO for our shared DC. Which in the eyes of this thread make me the wicked witch of the west however, the complication is that I also have my own DC and I don't buy for them either. So now where do I sit? Does that make me just as hateful? Probably not as it's only the poor deprived stepchildren that matter in these threads.

To be honest having been in that situation, your kids from your other relationship/s will have noticed and will find it very unfair. Don’t they matter anymore?

Can't believe this thread is still in trending. OP hasn't been back for three days and isn't coming back.

Stop wasting your energy people. Move along.

You really seem to have an issue with step children? If it was the other way round and she had only bought something for her DSS and not her DD i’d still think that was out of order! All kids should be treated the same. Step or not. Although saying that step children are the ones who usually suffer the most, especially where their parents go on to have more kids with new partners! Step kids are usually left out. And this post just proves it!!

Stepparent literally just means you married a parent - it’s a title, that’s it

With respect, no it's not, it is a responsibility that you have signed up for, your existing children haven't signed up for it, but you have, it doesn't mean you will love or treat that child like your own, but you also can't pretend they don't exist.. if that is what you wanted yo should have married someone with no children.

I don't really understand your issue, and a few on here saying step children are treated like gods.. not one person is asking for that. There is no expectation that the step parent will treat the child as more special, or their own child less special.. just that they don't treat them badly or indifferently.

I had an awful stepmum, she didn't want me around and she went out of her way to make me feel like I didn't belong in their family, I never even lived with them I just used to visit once a week for a few hours and I never ever felt welcome, if she started having an angry outburst I used to just stay silent and count down the hours till I could go home, I was 9 when they got married.

As an adult I understand why she was the way she was, she obviously had severe issues around jealousy, but as a child you think there's something fundamentally wrong with you.. why doesn't she like me? and you keep trying to be better and better, but you can never be good enough.. To be honest it's an awful thing to go through and to hear people say you shouldn't have to care about step kids or even like them makes me quite angry to be honest.