Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

Even if you don’t think SS cares, surely you’d still do it to show you do care ? You seem childish and immature.

That must be nice for you. Not everyone feels the same. And that is OK too.

And you would be happy about this hypothetical callous, cold, uncaring woman being around your child as you are him. Dear God.

I suppose the phrase “you don’t view him the same as your DD” made me think well obviously she doesn’t view him as the same. He isn’t her child. And I did say in an earlier post that I think she ought to have bought him a little something. I do for my my DSC. But I wouldn’t ask to speak to them on the phone because it’s not the same as your own DSC. I wouldn’t expect my DP to want to talk to my DC if he was away. I think they’d think it was very odd if he asked tk speak to them. Similarly though if I was FaceTiming him and he was on holiday and one of my DC walked past and wanted to stop and chat to him, of course he’d by more than happy to chat. He just wouldn’t ask to speak to them specifically or say he missed them. I also said I think given the OP’s DH has expressed before how he feels about this that yes she really ought to have got him a little gift. I suppose my point was around it not being “the same”. Doesn’t mean she should ignore her DH’s feelings or not get the kid a little present. I agree with you.

Anyway OP hasn’t come back so I wonder if she’s reconsidered that maybe she shouldn’t be so dismissive of her DH’s feelings on the matter. Maybe the DH is a bit sensitive about it for good reason!!!

I can't imagine giving so few fucks about a child that lives in my home half the time.
Even if I disliked a step child, I would recognise they came as a package with the man I chose to be with and treat them as I would want any step parent to treat mine.

One can only feel sorry for the stepchild, he must notice your dismissive attitude OP it’s so blatantly obvious. I also feel sorry for your OH, he must feel very hurt about your attitude to his son. You sound selfish and dismissive of any opposing viewpoints, not someone I would want caring for my child.

You are awful, one for not saying hello or even asking and two for not bothering to get been a token gift. Wow. Why is your husband with you when you treat his son like that?

Aaaaaaaand this sounds like a modern version of Cinderella. Fella is going to grow to really resent you (if he doesn’t already).

Why do men with children keep getting with women like this, let alone have more children with them? I doubt the OP suddenly stopped giving a shit about the kid, so her DH has known from the start what kind of stepmother she would be (i.e. uninterested and indifferent), yet now he's making an issue of it.

Parents really, really need to make better choices about who they bring into their children's lives.

Fun fact for all the SM bashers on this thread, but growing up I was OP's child in this situation, and it annoyed me that when Mum took me shopping, she always felt she needed to get my step sister a gift too...like, why couldn't I just be spoilt by my own mum occasionally???

To be honest I find this more telling about you than your mum, were you an only child up to this point? Because surely if she was your 'real' sibling, you'd still have this same problem but there would be no one to get angry with about it, it's just life.

I think it sounds like your mum did a bang up job of treating you and your step sister in a fair way, she was shopping with you, spending time with you and getting you what you wanted, but also getting your step sister a little something to show she was thinking about her too, I can only imagine those feelings of anger and jealousy were part of a bigger complex you had about sharing your mum, and not to do with the gift buying in and of itself, as that surely had zero affect on your time with your mum?

You say OP has ONE child, but she doesn't, she has one child and one stepchild, she doesn't have to feel the same way about them both but any step parent worth anything would want their stepchild to feel included, as your mum did.

Not talking on the phone wouldn't bother me but if you are a family I don't understand why u wouldn't just have bought a small token gift for ss. I guess I'm lucky my step parent would never have differentiated between me and my sibling in this way growing up.

I would bring a gift for him as well as DD, also make the effort to talk to him. YABU for sure, it's only fair to include both.

I find it weird that you didn’t buy him a gift.
im a foster carer and occasionally myself and husband go away for a break without our own children or foster children and we buy the foster children exactly the same as our own, wether they have been with us a week or a year.
this is your step son whose been in your life at least 3 years as you have a 2 year old daughter. You took your step son on as part of your partner when you decided to be in a relationship. Think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot with your own child.

I’m a stepmother with my own kid with DH. No I would not think about or ask to see DSD if I was away but would think about and ask to see DD every day. I’d probably bring back gifts for both though - but maybe not if she wasn’t going to be there at gift handover. Another example of general populace not understanding that stepchildren are not our offspring and so we don’t think of them as our offspring. Used to it on mumsnet now.

Not even sure why you’re asking for opinions on the matter because the responses I’ve read from you gives you couldn’t care vibes.

a packet of sweets would hardly break the bank.

No, that still just means she has one child.

and yes, I think it’s reasonable for a child to want to be considered special and most important to their parent, not just special unless said parent gets in a relationship with another parent.

I seriously can't believe what I'm reading. Does this mean if SMs own children adopted a baby they wouldn't care the same about the child as they would if it was their own offsprings birth child. Nobody is saying people shouldn't love their own children more. Its the consideration and care from all involved with stepchildren that's just as important. They've had enough to deal with in their young lives without being dismissed in life as less important in a family situation within each household.

I think I’m on your husbands side here. He lives with you 3 days a week.

Imagine you split and your daughter was with her dad and his new partner three days a week and you knew her new step mum couldn’t give two figs as they have a newer baby to care for.

I think it’s really mean you didn’t buy your DSS a little gift! Would a £5 souvenir really been too much to ask!

Just to add we also do lots of things with our own DC in our household. My DP has just taken his DC on a 3 day city break. I’ve just taken my DD to London for the weekend. We do some holidays and activities together but we each enjoy spending time with our own DC and they enjoy the attention from their own parent. We have 4 DC between us and it can be hectic with 6 people. It’s nice to do stuff individually as well sometimes. Equally my brother will sometimes take one of my DSC out. We mix and match and not everyone gets exactly the same experience all the time. Because we have lots of different dynamics going on as you can imagine. It works well for us. I think a lot of people have an idea about how a blended family ought to work. I’ve definitely seen a lot of that on MN. I’m sure some of those people are in/have grown up as part of a blended family. But I also suspect a lot of people have zero experience of this. I know that my expectations when I came into this relationship were quite different to the reality. I assumed we would be like The Waltons!! It’s actually a fine balancing act and we all have to find the right way without, hopefully, too much judgement from others.

FWIW I do think the OP comes across a bit uncaring. Perhaps that’s just the language used, (but it does seem a bit telling that the DH has complained about her attitude). From my experience, blended families are a challenge but very rewarding. Essentially though we probably all approach them in a different way and there is no one size fits all.

V. strange reaction from a grown man - has he not read any literature about step-children and step-mothers? What does he expect? That you would care about a step child when you have your own flesh and blood?

Horrible thing to do. As previously said a chocolate bar or something would have been nice. Think it’s more the message you give to your husband by not bothering than if your stepson is bothered or not. You’re showing he’s not part of your family. Which he is.

I’d maybe have got a small gift for him but the asking to talk to him on FaceTime is a bit much. If DH had cared he would have shout up to him to say ‘Hey DSS, Pluddy67 is on FaceTime, come down and say hi’ or taken the tablet/phone up to him for you to say hi. I’d maybe have asked DH ‘Is DSS ok?’ but I wouldn’t have asked to speak to him.

Wow!!!! A chocolate bar or something would have been nice. He is your stepson, surely you consider him part of your family? You are the adult, you have to make some effort.