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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband being dramatic over holiday

873 replies

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

OP posts:
Jumpers4goalposts · 23/04/2024 20:12

YABU if you bought one child a gift you should have bought the other one a gift too. It’s not hard it’s just common decency.

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 20:26

WhamBamThankU · 22/04/2024 07:06

Agree, a small token item would have been thoughtful.

A little gift should have been a given. I see your dh point.

LaDamaDeElche · 23/04/2024 20:27

This is why people need to think very carefully about who they decide to remarry and have more children with.

Etoile41 · 23/04/2024 20:40

I'm afraid you don't sound like a very nice person at all.
I understand that you do not feel the same way about your dss as your dd but certainly as an adult, it doesn't mean that you should let that difference in feeling show.
It should have been natural to ask about both children. Not getting a small gift for your dss also seems nasty and calous of you. Would it really have been so difficult to get him a small token gift to show that you thought and cared for him?
It's quite clear you don't care for him at all and it is quite sad. It isn't a minor thing as you have said. Your dh is completely justified in being upset about your actions.

kkloo · 23/04/2024 20:44

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:22

Ok could have gotten him a pack of sweets or something. But not asking H to go and find him every time I wanted to speak to my own DD is ridiculous to me.

He may not have mentioned the phone calls or even cared that much except for the fact you didn't bring the SS back a token gift too.

That might have been the moment where he thought WTF she could have at least bought him a packet of sweets...and then thought to himself that you didn't ask to speak to him either.

potato57 · 23/04/2024 20:46

I feel so sad for the poor kid.

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 20:48

I had a step dd for 5 years stayed over 2 nights a week. Was not my fave person I assure you. But I'd have never not brought her a gift. Recently my dd met up with her ex step dd is 18.

She asked my dd if she should bring money to eat. I said absolutely not just like I fed her then I'm feeding her now. If this is the attitude you want to stick to please leave the relationship.

Cotonsugar · 23/04/2024 20:57

Enko · 22/04/2024 07:13

Another one who sides with your dh here.

Your stepson is a part of your family. You treated him as if he wasn't.

Even if you don't see him as your family he is your daughters brother.

I agree with this. He’s part of your family now whether you like it or not. Think about his feelings - he’s not responsible for the whole family situation. As a MIL to a now grown man who still feels rejected by his step mother I would advise you make him feel included going forward.

PressedPetal · 23/04/2024 21:15

I’m 30 now and was subjected to a SM like you. She used to separate mine and my siblings laundry from her darling perfect sons. And pile ours up on the floor and lie to my dad that we had put it there. she’d clean darling sons room and complain to my dad that his kids were dirty/filthy. she’d cook for darling son and husband and not me and my siblings.

granted we were all adults, mid-late teens. I was about 14 when it all started - my brother 17 and my step bro 17 also. (Step brother didn’t stay is with us full time, half the week. Me and my brother were there full-time)

it fucking broke me living with someone who clearly hated us. I’ve had therapy for years and never recovered fully as unfortunately although I live in my own home now with my own family - me and my siblings are still subjected to this behaviour.

I know this is worse but it starts from behaviour like this. We notice you don’t care. It hurts. Think about that boy. Do it because you love your husband, if caring for SS doesn’t come naturally.

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 23/04/2024 21:29

Everyone else has said everything about stepparents that I would have. However I think another issue is you calling your husband dramatic and sensitive for wanting you to care about SS. If you can’t find it in you to care about SS for the child himself then surely you can care because your husband cares? Sounds like you have a decent one and you’re treating him like shit.

Frangipanyoul8r · 23/04/2024 22:15

It’s not an 11 year old’s job to “seem bothered”. Children don’t have an awareness of the impact of a step parent not giving a shit about them until they’re older. And it’s absolutely fine for your DH to reflect on an issue and feel hurt. But you do you.

GoldenTrout · 23/04/2024 22:29

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

He didn't know about your present this year. What will you do in future years when there is a very good chance that he will get to hear about this sort of thing from your child? Will you change your practice?

Yoonimum · 23/04/2024 22:30

What a pile on OP is getting! I'd have probably bought a small gift for my DSC if I'd been away because it's etiquette but if a step child wasn't there on return when gifts were being distributed I don’t think it is that awful not to do so. I don't recall speaking to them on the phone if I was away and I certainly wouldn't have missed them with a pang like I do my own DC. People are very precious about treating step kids the same as your own children but the relationship is quite different. I know some blended families are much closer but each one has its own history and dynamics. Being a step mother can be very challenging for a lot of women and it's very unfair to assume step mum is at fault when she doesn't feel a close bond with her SC.

Thalia31 · 23/04/2024 22:32

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

You sound like my dads wife completely vacuous.

StarryBook7 · 23/04/2024 22:47

I feel bad for the kid. You’re not interested in him being part of the family. There is way more to this and it could be that DH will tire of your selfishness. Shame you can’t be an adult here and learn something from this.

squishee · 23/04/2024 22:53

LoudSnoringDog · 22/04/2024 07:23

Your thread title is inconsistent with your post.
hes not being “dramatic” over your holiday is he? He’s pretty pissed off at you not considering his son.
not only do you come across as spiteful you’re also then being goady with responses

Nailed it.

PeachShaker · 23/04/2024 23:05

Sorry but your step son is part of the family YOU chose. Get to know him. Be kind even if you don’t love him (yet, hopefully). I’d have got him a gift, he must feel rejected so maybe apologise to him. Also with him living with you I’d think it polite to ask after him and today hi, maybe ask if he wants a video chat so he feels included . And don’t personally if he says no - he may not like it and I bet he’s picked Iacknyour lack of care for him. Step kids are part of the package so so please try to treat him as such. I appreciate it may be hard and you may be new to this but step son is now your son too even if he’s (silently please) second to your daughter.

Amy1117 · 23/04/2024 23:24

Iit is the bigger picture and what this all represents that is the problem. This is clearly the way he is treat in every situation. Your DH is asking you to make more or an effort with your SS and asking you to treat him as your son. If he were your biological son you would want to speak to him, thought about him while you were away and bought him a present, no? This child lives with you for half his week as others have said. He needs to feel that it is his home and he is loved as part of the family and not just the SS that says half the week and is treated differently to your DD.

MustWeDoThis · 23/04/2024 23:27

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

Wow...just wow.

I think you've made a perfect representation of every evil step-mother out there.

You are horrid. I hope your partner comes to his senses and runs a mile from you so his little boy has to suffer your spiteful, resentful, rejecting, green-eyed-monster, sour cow ways anymore. Honestly, if you do stay together I'd love to be a fly on the wall when a future adult DSS tells you what he really thinks of you. He's your child's brother. So goodluck with that.

Some of you on here make me sick. Seriously. Stop pandering to her and tell her what you're actually thinking, because I think I said what you all thought.

MustWeDoThis · 23/04/2024 23:30

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

You really are pig ignorant and showing your delightfully disgusting true colours. I wish I could say what I really wanted to, but Netmums would have a field day. Do your DP and DSS a favour and leave.

MustWeDoThis · 23/04/2024 23:37

This reply has been deleted

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Runnerinthenight · 24/04/2024 01:07

Yoonimum · 23/04/2024 22:30

What a pile on OP is getting! I'd have probably bought a small gift for my DSC if I'd been away because it's etiquette but if a step child wasn't there on return when gifts were being distributed I don’t think it is that awful not to do so. I don't recall speaking to them on the phone if I was away and I certainly wouldn't have missed them with a pang like I do my own DC. People are very precious about treating step kids the same as your own children but the relationship is quite different. I know some blended families are much closer but each one has its own history and dynamics. Being a step mother can be very challenging for a lot of women and it's very unfair to assume step mum is at fault when she doesn't feel a close bond with her SC.

She doesn't have to have that close bond. She has to act as if she does.

Supersoakers · 24/04/2024 04:29

He will know.

Mensuckbigtime · 24/04/2024 05:40

OP has left.
I think she would have gotten the message that her attitude is unkind and unfair

I think it's enough now.

The responses she has gotten will either make her reflect or deflect
/get defensive.

Hopefully for DS she will reflect.

But it's enough now

JenFor · 24/04/2024 06:32

No wonder your DH is sensitive about it, if you make it so obvious you don’t give a f%ck about his child that lives with you half the time.