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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband being dramatic over holiday

873 replies

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

OP posts:
GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 22/04/2024 19:58

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 19:53

I have two stepchildren yes.

And i can't imagine them ever saying what about me if I bought my children some shoes. If they did I'd tell them to speak to their dad frankly.

There's no way I will ever be made to feel guilty for buying my own child a toy/treat/pair of shoes 🤷‍♀️

In the same way, as I've said already, DH can buy DSS an expensive piece if equipment for his hobby and I don't demand he goes out and spends £300 on our toddlers to even it out. How daft.

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You still don't seem to get though that buying your child a "treat" or a pair of shoes isn't comparable to actively going on holiday and bringing one child back a present and not the other

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 20:01

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 22/04/2024 19:58

You still don't seem to get though that buying your child a "treat" or a pair of shoes isn't comparable to actively going on holiday and bringing one child back a present and not the other

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Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I don't get it. I just disagree it's wildy different.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 22/04/2024 20:03

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 20:01

Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I don't get it. I just disagree it's wildy different.

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Ok, agree to disagree that it's fine to go on holiday and buy one child a present and not the other.

choccytime · 22/04/2024 20:03

You're not a very nice person are you

Cerealkiller4U · 22/04/2024 20:06

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

Nope. I’m with your husband 100%.

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 20:06

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 22/04/2024 20:03

Ok, agree to disagree that it's fine to go on holiday and buy one child a present and not the other.

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Yep!

Runnerinthenight · 22/04/2024 20:08

Otherstories2002 · 22/04/2024 17:39

I disagree with that as well. He has a mother. His mother treats him like her child. He is her priority. The OP should be prioritising her toddler. This idea that step children are equal to the children we are primary care givers too is beyond tedious and incredibly short sighted.

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It's beyond tedious and incredibly short sighted to treat 2 children who live in the same home differently.

Floofydawg · 22/04/2024 20:09

SometimesButNotAlways · 22/04/2024 19:58

I'm already weirded out that you went away on holiday without any of them.

Eh? Really? Women are totally entitled to their own time.

Runnerinthenight · 22/04/2024 20:12

PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 17:22

So yes then, in your opinion, if I buy my toddler aged daughter some Moana pjs that I spot in the shops that she'd love, I then need to search for and buy equivalent pjs for two teen stepkids? Can you not see how ridiculous that is? Really? Even nuclear families don't do that all of the time.

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That's not the same at all, and you know it.

IggysPop · 22/04/2024 20:17

Yeah - you have been a bit mean here.

Think on to the years ahead. I am so grateful for the relationship my dd has with her step brother and sister (12 year gap). I like to think that some of that was being consistently kind and thoughtful - which included showing I valued them too.

40andlovelife · 22/04/2024 20:22

Why didn't you get him a gift?

I'm not surprised your husband is upset, you have made it clear that you have 0 interest in him.

Sorry but you don't sound like a very nice individual and I think you have done this on purpose.

golf7 · 22/04/2024 20:23

You sound a cunt. HTH

Glitterybee · 22/04/2024 20:28

That is really shit OP. Your husband has every right to be fuming!

I have step siblings and their other parent who is absolutely nothing to me treated me like one of their own.

You knew what you were getting into when you married a man who had a child. Do better!

Otherstories2002 · 22/04/2024 20:29

notyetretired · 22/04/2024 19:34

I think this is a bit nuts. Why would treating two children equal mean that own child was inferior. Makes no sense!

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Because her child has a mother and a father.

the step child ends up with more.

Let’s take inheritance. Is step mum supposed to leave some to step child? So step child gets stuff from mum, dad and step dad. Her actual child doesn’t get that.

He has a mother. The role of mother is fulfilled by his mother.

the OP has a daughter and step child. They are distinct things and not the same. It’s absurd to suggest they are.

Otherstories2002 · 22/04/2024 20:29

Runnerinthenight · 22/04/2024 20:08

It's beyond tedious and incredibly short sighted to treat 2 children who live in the same home differently.

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But they are different. One is 2. One is 10. One lives there full time. One does not. They have different mothers. They are different.

DGPP · 22/04/2024 20:34

I think you’re wrong and not surprised your DH is hurt

serin · 22/04/2024 20:34

This isn't about inheritance though is it? It's about bringing home a token gift to show you care and asking after someone who is meant to be part of your family.
To the poster who said "you just need to tolerate them" about stepchildren, I think that is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here, no wonder mental health problems are so widespread in young people.
I am no royalist but I'm really impressed by the way Princess Beatrice seems to be so close with her young stepson. They clearly adore each other.

Floofydawg · 22/04/2024 20:35

Pretty sure the OP gives zero shits about all the judgement as she hasn't been back for about 7 pages but I hope she's seeing the support she's getting from some.

Runnerinthenight · 22/04/2024 20:35

They are literally both children and deserve equal treatment. Ending up with a bag of sweets from holiday isn't a lot of compensation for having to live in two homes.

It's hurtful towards OP's DH, apart from anything else. He's clearly feeling the omission. Maybe one day he will have had enough.

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/04/2024 20:41

Otherstories2002 · 22/04/2024 17:30

And? She’s used to spending significant time apart from him. Because he is not her child. And spends the majority of the week in his mother’s care. Of course she isn’t going to think about him / miss him. And definitely not like she would a 2 year old.

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I think that comment suggests she doesn't give a shit. It's absolutely natural that she won't feel the same way towards an 11 year old step child as her own 2 year old. Not so natural that she didn't think at all about a child who lives with her almost half the time.

Runnerinthenight · 22/04/2024 20:49

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/04/2024 20:41

I think that comment suggests she doesn't give a shit. It's absolutely natural that she won't feel the same way towards an 11 year old step child as her own 2 year old. Not so natural that she didn't think at all about a child who lives with her almost half the time.

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It's coming across loud and clear that she doesn't. Nobody has said at all that she should feel the same; in fact some of us have literally said that's not the issue.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 22/04/2024 20:50

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:33

I honestly can't imagine giving a toss that a woman who isn't her mother didn't miss her or be bothered about speaking to her when she went on holiday for a few days.

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Really? So you would be happy for your DD to be treated as 2nd best although 2nd best would be a bonus the way you’ve described your SS. Great parenting there!

40andlovelife · 22/04/2024 20:55

Step parents are the glue of our society. Those who make sacrifices for a child that isn't even theirs are a special kind of person.
I accept they might not hold the same depth of feeling for a step child compared to their own but step parents who really try, be thoughtful and try to create equity are so special.

You sound like you don't give a shit at all.

You didn't even have the intelligence to buy him something so that you don't appear to be a complete arsehole in front of your husband.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 22/04/2024 20:57

Would have bought a gift for any child staying, cousin, friend's child, child's friend, literally any child present, let alone your DH's own child.

Ilovelurchers · 22/04/2024 20:59

Right, I am going to take a surprising stance here (given the way this thread has gone generally....)

And can I state first (and I am being a bit tongue in cheek here - but not entirely) that I am a bit of a ninja at the whole step-mom gig, given that I have a relationship with my grown up stepson now that is amazingly polite, loving and honest. We are in touch a few times a week - confide in each other about deep stuff when needed - and I am not even with his dad any more! But we have a step-son/step-mom relationship that survived the break-up with his dad....

The absolute key to this, is that neither of us try to run it like an actual mother/son relationship. I am not his mom, and he is not my son. I am his step-mom, and he is super-respectful, kind and supportive to me. He is my step-son, and is among the important people in my life - I do love him and would always be there for him- but it's a very distinct relationship to the one I have with my own daughter. And likewise he is of course closer to his mom and dad than he is to me (tho also can clash with them in ways he doesn't with me, and his lovely mom has told me before she is grateful he can confide in me....)

I do love him, but not in remotely the same way that I love my own child. It's maybe a cross between a close friend and a favourite nephew - but it doesn't actually need comparison - I love him like I love my favourite stepson, which he is!

OP, I think it was fine not to ask to speak to your dss. He is not your child, he's your stepson and yes it's different. You should have bought him a gift tho in my opinion - it was a bit mean not to do that. A packet of sweets or a keyring or something isn't impossible surely unless money is really tight?