Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

capable *of giving

You should have bought for both

I'm almost totally with you, OP, YANBU.

My partners children are his children - not mine. I have no feelings towards them at all. I don't hate them, but I certainly don't love them and no, I don't consider them family, they not related to me in any way. If we'd split - I'd never see them again and nor would I want to.

It goes both ways, I have a DD too. My partner is not her father and doesn't act like a 'paternal figure' in any way. He's 'mum's partner', or 'Name'. We do not interfere with each others parenting and don't involve ourselves with each others children in any meaningful way.

You just need to tolerate them, be polite, courteous and civil (therefore you should have bought your husband's kid a token gift, really). That's it. And no, it wouldn't even occur to me to expect my ex's new partner to treat my DD as her own. Why on earth? DD has a mother - me. She doesn't need a second one.

As for 'equal treatment' - I gifted my DD a laptop, DM's and some other stuff last Christmas. Should I buy the same for partner's kids? Like hell I would. They have their father for that. Sweets and little things from me. Nor would I expect him to gift big ticket items for my daughter - I do that.

But we on the same page with my partner about all this. He wouldn't dream of demanding that I'd think about his kids on my personal holiday. That's just ludicrous. I don't think about my cousins/aunts/grandparents et all on my holiday. And they're related to me by blood, at least.

It’s probably because you’d expect your DD not to have any bond with that woman?

I kind of feel sorry for your DH and DSS.

Agree

To be honest OP! I would have done the same as you. And also I know my husband would not have bought for my kids which are not his. We are a blended family and the kids are all happy!

OP, if this is your husband, then your step son IS your child too! FFS

The SS is absolutely not the OP's child. Do you think his actual mother would appreciate her claiming that he's her child? My daughter has a SM and I would be fuming if she claimed that she were her child.

You're the adult in the room and your future relationship with your DSS, and likely your OH, will be marred by your lack of caring, your detachment.

The stepchild is your family now, your child's brother, and thus should be made to feel included and cared for, not necessarily to call him away from his gaming/computer but a small gift to him upon your return wouldn't go amiss.
"You reap what you sow"

Do you have step children? Do you even have more than 1 child? Because you might feel differently and see this situation from a new perspective…I would never ‘treat’ 1 child and not my other 2 kids. There were 2 kids in the family and whether you like it or not it is widely accepted step children are family. Also, from her post - this is not a one off. In fact, it is clear there are wider ongoing issues regarding the DSS which the DH has a problem with. Also, the OP gave insights into her mindset and feelings when she said she did not even think of him at all. This is not a oops it was an accident/absentminded. She never had any intentions at all. OP can defo treat her child more regularly i.e daily weekly, monthly…occasions like trips abroad, religious holiday, birthdays, special
events there should be an attempt to be considerate to both children. I have three kids - everyone gets a lollipop, ice cream, toys…my goodness I cannot even buy a pair of shoes without them saying ‘what about me?’…if one of those 3 kids were a step child
living with me 3 days - should I not buy it for them? Just because I can? Because I own my own prerogative and it is my money? Woohooo I feel so powerful. Let’s just be honest…my own prerogative and my money are just justifications of I just cannot be bothered to care for anyone that is not directly related to me in this scenario. Everyone has free will - nothing to be proud off. It’s been long established that what you do with your free will can be moral or amoral. And ultimately the OP’s question is a moral dilemma not a question of whether she has the prerogative to exercise her free will and her money….what OP did was exercising her prerogative albeit amorally and she is aware of this so she is immoral. Society has already established OPs actions are amoral and if you do not think so then you are the exception not the norm…but if that is your prerogative then so be it.

@ViaMargutta@peebles32@Pluddy67
My goodness, I'm so pleased I'm not a child in some of these so-called 'blended' families. Some of the responses indicate less civility and warmth towards the SC than you'd give a colleague!

I don't think the OP or situation is real, with such apparent lack of empathy shown in some of OP's replies, I can't be!

Doesn't sound very blended, sounds like two separate families doing their own thing.

I agree this is a bit mean.

My sis-in-law started dating someone with three of his own kids - from the get go we brought them Christmas presents the same as we did for our nephs and nieces.

It's just decent kindness. He is a child, he's only 11!

WOW op. As a step-daughter myself, reading your post is awful. You could have got him some chocolate at the airport. And didn’t think of him once even just as in ‘oh it’s your day with DSS, how is he?’

Its cruel that you think so little of someone that is on your home 3 days a week and is related to your child.

No one is saying you should see DSS the same way as your own child. But your DH is upset as you have made it crystal clear you do not care at all about his son.

Absolutely, I work in young people’s mental health services and so many of the people I see have been really damaged by family dynamics which left them feeling not as good, not accepted, unloved, neglected etc. Usually (but not exclusively) after a separation and formation of new partnerships and often where a step parent is disinterested or unengaged.

If you get into a relationship with someone with kids you have a responsibility to those kids to make them feel loved, valued and accepted as part of your family in my opinion. I genuinely cannot understand the mentality of people who actively choose not to do that.

It’s natural that he wouldn’t ask to speak to you as he’s a child wrapped up with his friends but you, as the grown up should show you care and value him. Like they say, it’s the thought that counts. Maybe do something to show you care even though you don’t. It’s important. He’s so young. Scary lack of empathy from your post. Still time to change though.

I think this is a bit nuts. Why would treating two children equal mean that own child was inferior. Makes no sense!

Reluctant to pile in as I'm not a step mum. But here I am.

What strikes me as bizarre here is that DSS is another family member living in the home. If I had a parent, a niece, a cousin - basically any other breathing human in the house, you'd ask how they were. I'm assuming the OP did do this.

I think it's not extreme of the DH to think on one of the three days the OP was away it would be positive for family harmony to ask to speak to him one time. Not every time - but once, as a gesture.

For the DH's sake and as another poster pointed out the DDs. 3 out of 4 days is...loads? A child coming for two weekends a month, maybe not so much.

Not bringing a gift home - I don't get this at all. I'd have done it for my DH alone.

This!
Couldn't agree more. Unless autistic (and I know far from all on the spectrum have issues with social/empathy) or have some sort of sociopathy, I don't get why you'd even contemplating getting together with someone with kids already or (in some cases) break up a family unit.

Missed my point entirely. The point was, I don't care where I am, home or abroad. If I want to buy my child a treat/gift/present whatever you want to call it, I will. And I don't feel obliged to buy my stepchildren things at the same time.

Don't think the issue is the gift tbh. Your attitude towards your stepson is shocking. If we can tell you've no interest in him so can your husband. My husband would be out the door if I found out he spoke about my children/his step children this way.

He is your step "SON". The clue is in the name. He is your family now, whether you like it or not.
I think you are really mean for not treating him like your own.
Your relationship with DH doesn't sound great though, Ill give it 2 years and I hope your DD's future stepmum treats her better than you treat her brother

I have two stepchildren yes.

And i can't imagine them ever saying what about me if I bought my children some shoes. If they did I'd tell them to speak to their dad frankly.

There's no way I will ever be made to feel guilty for buying my own child a toy/treat/pair of shoes 🤷‍♀️

In the same way, as I've said already, DH can buy DSS an expensive piece if equipment for his hobby and I don't demand he goes out and spends £300 on our toddlers to even it out. How daft.

You're the adult and he is your ss. A small gift and one phone call is not a lot to ask - may not seem much to you but could mean the world to him (and his father/your husband)

I'm already weirded out that you went away on holiday without any of them.