Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

In fact DH bought DSS an expensive upgrade for a piece of sporting equipment the other week. I'll inform him immediately when I get home that he needs to go and purchase the same amount of toys for our DC straight away. What a shit dad ey?!?!

There’s a big difference between buying everyday ‘stuff’ that kids need, like clothes or a new water bottle for school, and a GIFT from holiday.

I disagree with that as well. He has a mother. His mother treats him like her child. He is her priority. The OP should be prioritising her toddler. This idea that step children are equal to the children we are primary care givers too is beyond tedious and incredibly short sighted.

Exactly, that was my point and what that poster seems unable to grasp

I find it bizarre that people seem to think it's totally normal and OK to not spare a single thought for a child who lives with them for nearly 50% of the time!

And in response to this -
I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!
Maybe he doesn't pay you very much attention because he's responding to what he sees in return.

And it's obviously important to your husband. Picking up a token bag of sweets at the airport or even a simple "How's Johnny doing, he Ok??" on one of the video calls would likely have gone a long way.

Why is it short sighted? I think it's really unkind not to treat kids the same within the same family unit, SC or not. If I had a SC I would go out of the way to make sure they are felt included and treated fairly. Goodness me, I wonder whether some of the responders on here don't have normal empathy skills!

It is not about whether SS knows or cares about the present, the issue is that you didn’t think to buy a small token gift for a child who lives in your house for half the week. It is not about your H being over sensitive, it is about you having zero sensitivity towards a child who was in the picture long before your child and whose feelings you appear to ignore in what I consider to be a very spiteful way. He is a child coping with split patenting, a new sibling and a cold hearted stepparent. You are supposed to be a mature adult.

You are not coming out of this covered in glory OP.

But that is a separate thing altogether, you've seen something that will suit one child and decided to buy it, you don't then have to buy other children gifts just to equalise things every time you do that. It also stands to reason that you would spend more on your resident child then stepchildren who live with you half the time.

But if it's a time where you would normally buy a little something for all three, like returning from holiday, and you buy one but not the others it could be noted that you are overlooking/disregarding the step children.

The problem here isn't treating individual children differently from time to time, it's consistently disregarding your step child because you don't think about them or you don't think you should have to buy them anything because they're not YOUR kids, that's a horrible attitude for a step parent to have.

But if it's a time where you would normally buy a little something for all three

But who makes up this rule? DH doesn't buy for ANY of the children when he goes away so why is it a rule that step mum must do?

I see no difference between seeing something in the UK my toddler might like and not feeling any obligation to buy for DSC as well and seeing something in Spain my toddler might light and buying that. The country I happen to be in makes no difference.

There are MULTIPLE posters on this thread who've insisted that you cannot buy a gift for one without the other. People only backtrack and start adding caveats to it when you point out how fucking stupid that is.

i didn’t say treat unfairly though, did I. Equal isn’t fair. Because they aren’t the same.

He lives with his Dad around half the week though..
Would you really want your child to be treated differently when they were with their Dad and not you?

I just feel sorry for children caught in such situations. Having to live with adults who are completely uninterested in their existence or being treated not as part of the family that they spend half their lives with..

I wouldn’t expect the stepmother to treat MY child equally to their own. No. Because treated them equally would actually mean their own child was always inferior. He has a mother and a father. Both involved in his life and who love him. The stepmother should be warm, supportive and welcoming but the role is significantly different.

The facetime thing is perhaps fine but can't believe you didn't get him a little something, especially as he's with you so often.

you've seen something that will suit one child and decided to buy it

And no I didn't just happen upon it. I specifically went out of my way to find a treat for my DC because I wanted to get something for them. It wasn't something I just saw and thought they'd like it, I drove to a toy shop with the specific idea of just wanting to treat them to something.

I wanted to treat them. And as it's my money and my child, that's my perogative whether I'm here or abroad.

He lives with you half the week and you didn't think of him once?

No present? Really?

Ffs.

OP - you are coming across as very cold and uncaring.

This is an eleven year old child. You are his stepmother. He spends half his life with you, and you should have bought a small token gift.

Noone is expecting you to love him, or want to talk to him, in the same way as your DD but my god, a little empathy for him (and your DH). One request to say 'Hi' and ask how school was or something, would just be the bare minimum to me.

It might seem like nothing to you, but over time the coldness and open lack of interest will leave a mark on him. And possibly influence how your DH sees you.

But you seem to have no interest in any of the five pages of almost unanimous responses. You just want to be validated/

Oh come off it, that's not even the same.
"I just happened to be abroad so it's not a present"
Yeah ok lol

You’ve asked and people have said it was thoughtless and you’re then telling people it’s minor and no one else cares.

Take a second and wonder if perhaps you’ve misjudged it.

Also, it isn’t minor to your husband - it’s easy to get into the habit of minimising each other’s points of views when it’s less important to the other party.

Your husband is right to pull you up on this. Frankly you should never let it show if you couldn't care less about your DSS. You should instead make the boy welcome and part of yout blended family. It would make the child comfortable coming to your house and reassure your husband that he did the right thing in marrying you.
How long do you think he'll put up with his boy being so pointedly excluded from the family circle?

A kind gesture is kind when it happens spontaneously. If you have to force it, it loses its meaning. It would have been embarrasing for your DH too, having to arrange a brief Hi between you and his son because it did't even occur to you that it would be nice and polite.

You are an example of why step-parents get a bad reputation.

I agree with a PP. You think 11 years old is old enough to somehow not give a toss about him.

It's not.

Your precious DD2 will be 11 years old one day. You WILL understand then how young and vulnerable this child is. I hope to God your DD - in whatever life circumstances she finds herself at that stage - is receiving more love and kindness that you are capable are giving to your DSS.

does sarcasm usually go completely over your head?
I know sometimes tone can be difficult to judge online but OP's was pretty blatant!

Wow.

OP, if this is your husband, then your step son IS your child too! FFS, can't you hear yourself? That poor kid. What sort of relationship do you have, did you both decide to seriously commit to, marriage and all, where you decided you weren't going to regard his child as yours too, once you married his dad?