Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

It wouldn’t have done any harm to pick up a little present for dss as he’s part of the family and just ask to say hi to him when you’re on a call is no big deal…..I think.

It means you’re including everyone in your life.

....I didn't think about DSS once....

I mean, does anyone really care about this stuff?

Yes, stepkids who are brought up in households where they are an afterthought, or an inconvenience, or 'you're not MY child' so why should I actually bother with you?' there are lots of us around who have been treated with indifference at best and abuse/cruelty at worst.

You talk about it so flippantly like it really doesn't matter, but honestly, it matters.

It is perfectly reasonable to buy something for just one child when it is specific for them, but bringing gifts back from holiday is a generic thing usually, leaving out one child shows a greater feeling of indifference which the OPs DH is picking up on and voicing his displeasure on, and it's not the first time it's happened so not surprised he's getting so annoyed by it, he's doing the decent thing and speaking up for his child.

its quite telling that you have asked for an opinion and then ignoring most of the replies. He is part of your family you are his step mum. And I personally find your comments about him very cold and harsh . With your husband on this one . I would feel upset as well .

I do wonder if it'd be better for blended families to not have stepmums and step dads and have -'aunts' and 'uncles' instead. Then there's no requirements from the kids to see them as replacement parents but an adult who belongs in the family and can be trusted (most of the time) and no requirement for steps to see the children as on the same level as their own, which I personally wouldn't be able to do although I'd certainly hide it as much as I could. I love my nieces but im not going to give them as muchbas my own kids - but its not an expectation that i treat them on a par.
If there is a genuine mutual affection then make it official through adoption.
So many many messed up kids because their biological families try to force the kids and the spouses to act like they weren't strangers at one point. So many frustrated spouses having to put on the face of a loving parent but in many ways, not being able to act like one because then they're 'not the parent'.
Even my 70 year old mil still refers to her stepmum as stepmum but whilst she cares - it feels more like a duty she's placed on herself. It's a 50 year relationship! There'd have been less pressure on both of them if she wasn't presented as a replacement mother no matter how lovely I personally think both of them are.
I may have been reading too much reddit written by stepkids also 😂.
But even aunts buy presents at the airport So op, whilst I sympathise your pov, you can still be a little nicer to the kid. You're tied to each other through your daughter.

You should have got him a gift yes

100% agree.

There is a world of difference between loving your DSS exactly the same as your DD and treating them the same. No-one's asking you to fall over yourself to cater to his every whim, or to spend all your cash on him. Just acknowledge his existence!

He's 11 ffs. He deserves to know he's not just a sh1t stain on his step-mother's shoe. He deserves to feel at least wanted.

Maybe his dad hasn't spelled out exactly what he would expect because he didn't think he'd have to tell a grown woman how to behave towards a child. Maybe he assumed OP was a decent human being.

As long as your little princess is ok nothing else matters.
You are something else hes just a child did he ask for his parents to split up did he ask for a step mum.
I bet you were the other woman.
Never asked about him either how spiteful.
Shame on you.

The husband is raising a concern that the OP doesn't consider her stepson.
Thats the concern here isn't it....

Its really not about some sweets. Some people get so insular about this stuff.
If you take a relationship with someone who has children, and even at age 11 the SS is feeling "left out", then this is a valid concern by their parent.

Sad.

Think that was my fault. See page one, seventh post on this thread.

You've got more than one kid, though. Just because some might not be biologically yours, doesn't mean you should treat them differently when it comes to things like presents.
They're kids.
That's not nonsense.
Maybe you don't love them the same as they're not biologically yours, but it's off to treat them differently.
They'll pick up on that.

God, no wonder step-parents get a bad name.

I don’t think your husband is being dramatic at all. He cares about his son and doesn’t want him to feel left out or uncared about by his step mother who he lives with for almost half of his time. If it were the other way around, I’m sure you wouldn’t want your daughter feeling excluded and children take these ‘petty’ things very seriously. Considering he lives with you half the week it’s pretty sad you didn’t think about him or even think to ask after him. A small gift wouldn’t have been hard either so not to treat him like he’s less than your daughter. I think he deserves a step mother that cares about him but I suppose it is what it is.

So yes then, in your opinion, if I buy my toddler aged daughter some Moana pjs that I spot in the shops that she'd love, I then need to search for and buy equivalent pjs for two teen stepkids? Can you not see how ridiculous that is? Really? Even nuclear families don't do that all of the time.

It absolutely is nonsense to say you can never buy a treat/gift for one child without buying the same for all the others. It's silly.

Your H's relationship with his DS's mum didn't work out and now he's made a mistake with his (current) marriage. Poor man is unlucky in love! Shame his son has to deal with the consequences too.

It's especially nonsense to say no one can ever buy their own DC a small gift or treat without having to also buy a gift/ treat for a child that isn't even theirs too.

There is nothing wrong with occasionally treating your own child.

Agreed. You may not feel natural affection for him which is understandable but he is a child and deserves to be treated as well as your DC is. I know you didn’t mean to make him feel less valued than your child but not getting him a gift may have made him feel this way.

Bit of difference getting a pair of pyjamas in the shops when you see them to actively going on holiday and bringing one child back a present and not the other.

So you assume a stepmother who has a child stay over 3 times a week doesn’t give a shit? Interesting starting point.

Don’t be ridiculous.

And? She’s used to spending significant time apart from him. Because he is not her child. And spends the majority of the week in his mother’s care. Of course she isn’t going to think about him / miss him. And definitely not like she would a 2 year old.

Oh dear.

Not really.

I spent £60 on a toy the other week that I knew my toddler DC would love, just because.

I felt no compulsion or requirement to also spend £60 each on my two step children and would absolutely reject the idea that i cannot spend my own money treating my own child from time to time.