“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I hear you too. It's bloody rubbish.
I'm over it a long time ago but the memories still make me squirm and cringe.

Wrong again…’the leech’….me?….the owner of my own mortgage free, paid for by my hard work, £750,000 house! 😂

Who said anything about ‘letting children struggle’. Like any self respecting young adult, our DC’s ( apart from the one with the £14,000 spending habit, that he obviously really can't afford) work hard to earn their own money.

You really do make some huge assumptions and seem to have issues that you should learn to deal with.

With hindsight I would have kept my own house and happily stayed as boyfriend and girlfriend with occasional outings with each other's children. Had I had the benefit of MN all those years ago I would have done pretty much everything differently. I saw great kids on their best behaviour with an awesome father and couldn't have possibly imagined the future traumas.

It's getting a bit clearer OP. I don't know you but I don't think you're "an introvert" (if that's even a thing, we are all different and keeping identifying as this is doing you no favours). I think you haven't been brought up to take up your rightful amount of space. I don't think your kids know how to take up space, either.

It has been harmful to you because you've effectively developed poor boundaries and let someone live with you who doesn't quite contribute enough and who has squeezed you out of your space.

You want them to just stop it, or.be disciplined to stop it.

However- your tactics aren't working are they? Nobody notices you need the space, and they are big and attention seeking. So you are resentful and actually growing increasingly depressed.

If you think suddenly barging in a room and dancing and singing in front of a TV people are busy are watching is good manners, then you really should indeed stay single.

Mate, this is fine for a relaxed, silly 13 year old who wants your attention. Why not join in the joy? Pause the TV and jump about with him for a moment! Then when you have built a connection through a few of these occasions, talk about the ground rules in your home - with your DP too. Ask what the step kids like the home to be like. Tell them what you like it to be like. Really listen. Get curious..There will be joy and love to find.

If they don't value you and don't want to meet half way, then you have your answer and you kick DP out. But I think you will find it's you who needs support to change - to embrace a more vibrant life.

I don’t have kids and after several failed IVF attempts it was not a choice.

I met and married a man with kids as my experience and expectations of a step mum were wildly out of sync with reality.

I haven’t read every post but so much of what the OP has said rings true. Feeling like a visitor in your own home, conversations stopping when you walk in, eggshell syndrome.

I’m still with DH but use the word trauma around the whole experience. The kids are now adults but there’s still secrets and lies and exclusion.

I feel this more and more often.

Wise post from @Immemorialelms

I’m still with DH but use the word trauma around the whole experience. The kids are now adults but there’s still secrets and lies and exclusion.

Yep. It's like DP lives two lives. You feel like the outsider in your home - a space that is supposed to be safe and comfortable.

@Immemorialelms I can see some truth in what you're saying re: I was brought up to minimise my presence (can you recommend some reading on this phenomenon?), However I think there's a healthy middle ground between 'children should be seen & not heard' and selfish behaviour.

As teenagers I think they need to learn that they can't have what they want immediately all of the time. Disrupting other people's activity on a regular basis isn't going to get this lad far as an adult, is it?

“Taking up space” can be benign, beneficial, or toxic...When people take up more space than is necessary, they communicate that they are superior and that their needs are always more important than others.

Taking Up Space: Do You Let Yourself be Seen and Heard? - Imi Lo (eggshelltherapy.com)

If my own child danced in front of the tv screen, when I was in the middle of watching something, this would annoy me too. But, it's easier to be tolerant of your own dc though - you can put the annoyance to one side and see they are demanding attention because they are feeling a need, that something is wrong and this is their way of asking for attention without directly asking. As a parent, you are motivated to put your irritation to one side and give your child the focus they are asking for. That instinct isn't naturally there when it's someone else's child - the annoyance can override the ability to see the child needs something from you.
So possibly OP it would help you to reframe the irritation as seeing a child who maybe hasn't developed the skills to ask for what they need, acting out to get it. Their brains are still developing.
From there, the child can be taught there are other ways to ask for attention and to balance what they want with consideration for other people's needs. Because at some point they do have to learn that they can't demand immediate attention or they will just annoy everyone around them,

God my SD does the random bursting into the living room and dancing in front of the TV thing. None of my DC have ever done this, my SS doesn't do it either but my SD (aged 11) does it every now and again. It drives me insane because it's normally about 8.30pm at night when we've finally settled for the evening. I see it as she is craving some sort of attention, and it works for her.

reframe the irritation as seeing a child who maybe hasn't developed the skills to ask for what they need, acting out to get it. Their brains are still developing.

Reframing does help a little.

When their parent responds with irritation and asks, "DSS, WHY do you do this? Why?" The kid responds "I dunno"; laughs and leaves.

It drives me insane because it's normally about 8.30pm at night when we've finally settled for the evening.

Well, according to a previous poster, you need to drop everything, leap off the sofa and "join them in their joy" 😂

This annoys me too its attention seeking I won’t react just tell them to move and i get annoyed with my own children not just step children just get out of the way im watching MAFS 🤣

Join them in their joy 😂 I won’t pander when kids are doing stuff like this for attention

Free expression 😂. Hahaha!

Indeed. Any kind of bad behaviour is "free expression" when coming from stepkids 😂Add another one to the bingo board!

Why is 'attention seeking' seen as such a negative thing?
What are they trying to tell you? Maybe think about what need it is they're trying to have met.

Do they feel safe and secure?

So yeah, sometimes the response is to join in, get up and dance, play a game, laugh at the crap jokes.

There's so much hostility towards children on this thread. Children who have experienced parental separation, new step parents, sometimes new siblings.

Christ, people are even saying they'd rather the other parent was dead and it would make life easier. Think about that, posters here would rather a child experienced the trauma of a parent dying than have them involved.

I know this is going to be jumped on as anti step mother but it really really isn't.
This isn't about the relationship, it's about healthy and engaged parenting.

If kids are acting up then why? Shitty parenting, no boundaries (boundaries help children feel safe), trauma, knowing they're resented and unwelcome.

If kids are acting up then why? Shitty parenting, no boundaries (boundaries help children feel safe), trauma, knowing they're resented and unwelcome.

Well yes. That's what most people are actually saying. That they're acting up due to lack of parenting, lack of boundaries etc etc. But why is that on the stepmum to resolve? It's pretty much out of the SMs hands when their biological parent refuses to have boundaries or address bad behaviour.

The resentment is sometimes misplaced. The resentment should be aimed at the parent who is failing to step up rather than the kids who are acting out.

If kids are acting up then why? Shitty parenting, no boundaries (boundaries help children feel safe), trauma, knowing they're resented and unwelcome.

Some kids just act up. For none of the reasons you've mentioned. Just because they can, and do.

Absolutely agree, it's not the step-mother's job to mitigate for bad parenting.
But ignoring kids and checking out when step kids visit adds to that damage. We can't not see that because it's uncomfortable.

I totally agree we all need to stop excusing shitty parenting from these dads and we also need to hold our own boundaries. Staying in an unhappy home isn't helping anyone.

DP jokes that we should barge into DSS's bedroom whilst he's on the xbox with his mates, dance in front of the screen and sing

Do it

Super tempted.

I was referring to your children and how you equate introvercy and being docile with good behaviour.