“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

OP, I feel you and I've felt exactly the same way. The anxiety nearly killed me.

I've not yet read all of the responses (stupid work is so distracting) so apologies if it's already been recommended, but I strongly urge you to check out Jamie Scrimgeour!!

She's a stepmother kind of expert and has loads of strategies for dealing with all of this. She just gets it.

Honestly, I've found her pretty lifechanging. I no longer hate being a stepmother.

Sending solidarity; it can be absolute shit.

I think you should move out. You can still see your partner on the nights he doesn't have the kids but you can create your own happy space

This

I think it's half her house....

It sounds like is ALL OPs house actually. So she defo shouldn’t be the one leaving!

I pay more as i have an extra child than him he asked for this to happen am i doing the correct thing.. just checking for my own sanity!

@LadyBird1973 is right about reframing.

OP, you asked how YOU could deal with your resentment. Responding that it's still, basically, the step kids' fault won't help you.

We can't tell if they are little shits and your DP is a lame parent. Or if they are normal, your DP is lenient but fine, and yet you are seething with unprocessed anger and unable to relate to them growing up like normal children.

We only have what you say here- and the only thing I can identify is you aren't very open to children being boisterous. so based on that, I'm saying it's you - but only you can really tell!

Love this I also think the same as if the step kids dont see love and respect between the parents then why would they show respect. The love between the parents i think takes alot more work than the natural bond with your own children.

It's all about being clear on your boundaries and wants. If the prospective partner doesn't like it they can move along.

This.

You have described yourself as co-dependent, OP, and that you'd be a "lonely parent" without your spouse.

I think this is the root of the issue. You have made a choice to accept "weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment" - week after week, year after year, well into your SDC's young adulthood and possibly beyond - over either being on your own, or taking the time to find a partner with whom you are more compatible.

If you are able to explore the underlying reasons for your co-dependency and poor boundaries, and why you accept a situation for yourself which is so very far from what you want and need, then you have a chance of creating a happy life for yourself and your children.

Because this ain't it. Your children will be acutely aware of everything you're feeling and it will stay with them forever. They may not want a "lonely parent", but they will want a strong, capable, confident parent with good boundaries who can model assertiveness for them.

A good therapist should be able to help you, if you can afford it.

Reading this and I really feel for you OP. I’m not a step parent but I do empathise with yours and others struggles as they must be so difficult.

That being said reading this and being entirely objective one thing really stands out and I hope you don’t mind me pointing it out as it may be something to reflect on.
There is a running theme in your posts which appears to be a deep rooted fear in being alone.

Your aware your co-depend. You say you would be a lonely parent if not with DP. But most alarmingly you say when suggested you live apart from DP, that if you were to live separately half the time, from DP you’d ’find someone else’.

The reason that stands out is that you’ve not stated your head over heels in deep love with DP and couldn’t bear to be with him. You also state that you would struggle to find someone that doesn’t have kids to date if you were to split. Not that you put up with it because you love him and only him or that you couldn’t contemplate splitting because there’s nobody else you want and only he will do for you as he’s the love of your life.
Therefore it suggests that you don’t put up with it out of deep love but out of fear of being alone.

Could this be true? Was there a big gap between you being widowed and meeting DP? Have you ever been single for a long length of time and been able to make a happy life for yourself solo? When that happens then the bar for a partner becomes very high as you’ll only join unions with someone who adds to your already happily established life and not takes from it. You also don’t compromise to the degree you have as a partner would be a bonus to an already happy life and not filing a ‘void’ of some sort.

I say this all gently as I think if you deal with your fear of being alone then you may unlock the key to longer term happiness even if that means staying with your DP. You wouldn’t be afraid to place firm boundaries within your own home and life as you wouldn’t be afraid of the alternative (being alone).

most alarmingly you say when suggested you live apart from DP, that if you were to live separately half the time, from DP you’d ’find someone else’.

The reason being, I need companionship in a marriage - for me, this means spending evenings together. My evenings are my respite from my stressful job; I would not want to spend them alone half of the time - that feels miserable (even more so than irritating stepkids, hence not leaving).

Not that you put up with it because you love him and only him or that you couldn’t contemplate splitting because there’s nobody else you want and only he will do for you as he’s the love of your life.

I don't believe in 'love of my life'. I believe we're potentially compatible with many people - it makes more logical sense. Nonetheless, my point still stands: I'm statistically likely to end up with a DP with kids, given I have kids. I love DP, despite the packaged deal.

I think if you deal with your fear of being alone then you may unlock the key to longer term happiness

Probably. But after years (decades!) of counselling/therapy, groups, reading - I've came to the conclusion that my codependency is going nowhere, so I need to choose the least painful route through life. Trust me, DP is an angel compared to previous DP. I've came a long way.

But surely you would be with your children - where so they at 11 and 13 spend there evenings - where do you expect your stepchildren to spend them - does he come in because you and just in the room with your partner?

The kids spend their evenings in their bedrooms on consoles/tablets or at various youth clubs of their choice.

I spend the evenings watching TV with DP (we have favourite youtubers we watch).

The kids come into the livingroom for various reasons (sometimes no reason). No problem with that - it's the disruptive nature of some of their entrances I find irritating.

So do you spend any time in the evenings with them at all? How does it work for your stepchildren at their mothers house and spending time with the family?

is it their choice this set up or yours - that the living room is seen as your and DP space

when do you spend time with your ‘docile’ children

I will be honest I find this set up sad and very 1950s my evenings are a mix of just DP, just DS or DD watching things we like or family time (admittedly we do have 2 living rooms and a conservatory work space thau DD revises in)

oh ladies! It is so hard. So many of the women I talk to on the podcast feel like this! That sinking feeling that comes on a Wednesday as you're so anxious about what will happen on the weekend and all you want is a happy home!

You aren't alone xx

I honestly couldn't contemplate a relationship with anyone else but my DH. If he died tomorrow I'd be single for life because he is the love of my life. DH and I are best friends, joint at the hip, yet when he's away on a stag do or away for work I don't feel lonely. I may be alone but I never feel lonely as we're always in touch. I feel like he has already given me enough love to last a life time and he's made me realise that I am a complete person on my own and I don't need anyone else's validation. I used to jump from bad relationship to bad relationship because I needed to be someone's girlfriend and hated being on my own.

Co-dependency usually stems from low self-esteem. You need someone else to make you feel worthy. It sounds like you're just settling for you current DP because you don't think you can do any better and he's better than a previous DP. That's no way to live. I think it would do you some good to really work on yourself. Feel comfortable in your own company. Be someone other than just a mum and a partner.

Just because you've resigned yourself to someone with kids doesn't mean that has to be someone who doesn't parent properly and lets his kids rule the roost. Not all dad's are hopeless. Please don't live miserably because you think that's the best you can get.

is it their choice this set up or yours

Their choice. They love their tech.

It sounds like you're just settling for you current DP because you don't think you can do any better and he's better than a previous DP.

tbh I feel old and cynical. I'm a realist - I can't be the perfect partner and so can't expect it in return. Everyone has 'baggage' in some respects.

And your step children?

and how many hours are they on their tech being docile

watching this morning this morning and it was discussing proper family time to watch stuff and how important it is as a family

no one is the perfect partner and whilst I agree that it is important relationship to have flourish so is parenting and with your children - what is family tkme like with them

This.

Spouses can change but children are forever.

There is nothing attractive about a man who is a shit parent. It's an ugly, weak character trait. I wish some women would raise their bar.

This is why I'm not moving in with DP

proper family time to watch stuff

An oxymoron?

Spouses can change but children are forever.

Children leave and have families of their own. Then what?

family tv time is a thing no matter how much of an oxymoron you think it is. Family movie night is a favourite here and then discussing the movie after. That said we also do family game nights and family Karoake nights - making sure we all spend time together in different ways

but given how much time your children spend on their tech you can’t really judge

but is that the root of your issue you think your children will leave you and you don’t want to be alone

you still haven’t actually answered how much time you spend with your children and how much your partner spends with his

"loving tech" isn't a reason to leave kids on their tech. Tbh most of my parenting is about seeking out the conflict that comes from pushing them off their tech. My children are much easier when on tech, but that's not when I do my best parenting.