“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

You all sound like you are under siege and this is all down to your piss taking partners, who are undermining you and not supporting.

More like partners trying to keep everyone happy and consequently no one is happy. Clashing needs.

@Ohlookwhoitis his (hopefully soon to be ex wife) stopped paying her share of the mortgage so he was forced to sell. He's still married, still going thru all
the financial settlement it's stalemate and it's soooooo stressful.

@HebburnPokemon interesting the ever lengthening line of professionals tell her the opposite and reiterate the impact of her not being "first" to a parent.

I feel sorry for your own children to not be your parents number 1 is heartbreaking.

Yep you're subsidising his kids. I'm in a similar situation.

Why did you let them all move in? Was your OH not able to house himself and his children? It sounds like they have moved in, completely taken over and they are taking the piss out of you. No wonder you are struggling.

No one falls in love quicker than a man needing a roof over his head!

@Struggling1406 I think it's time for them all to move out. It isn't working.

Why the fuck are you going halves on bills when he has 2 teenage boys in the house? He should be paying ¾.

Your poor son losing his bedroom. Was he OK with that?

Sorry, I should have said ‘with’ his DC’s.

No nothing devious. They would make innocous comments ( I enjoyed the concert, thanks for the ticket money), I don't think they, at that stage understood the tensions or my views. As I said, when we had a big conversation, all of us, his DC’s were quite shocked that my DC’s are brought up to not ask for money (as I was). In their eyes, we were the unusual ones, normality for them was ‘bank of dad’!

It has been ‘shaped’ overtime!

OP, don’t have any advice, I’m afraid, but wanted to say that I hear you. My DH & I came close to splitting up a few times. Also considered separate houses. It has got much, much easier for me as my DSCs have got older, though. Not saying that’s always the case but I think I’m a bit like you — an introvert — and I also find noise and mess and lights and fuss really difficult to deal with… There were so many times I’d hide in the bedroom to try to get some peace and quiet. As my DSCs have got older, though, it’s definitely got better…

Wow!

It works for us! Young adults should learn to be independent.

DP has counted up from his bank statements, the ‘bits’ of money he has transferred, in request, to one of his DC’s overtime - it totals £14,000!

It includes spending on the mentioned private number plate…hardly much needed emergency support.

We have five other DC’s. We certainly can't afford to give them £14,000 each, so very unfair on them too.

And??? Why is that your business. It’s his money. You sound pathetic. Newsflash, people with money tend to help their kids out. Again why is it your business? You obviously met this man probably well into your forties or later, do you think his money is your money? You are the one who sounds like a leech.

No decent parent would let their kid struggle if they don’t have to especially in this climate. My guess is this man has more money than you are you feel more entitled to his money even though you’re a grown adult yourself and can make your own money? I hope he ignores you and helps his kids.

My Grandparents helped my parents buy houses, paid for their wedding, my parents helped me buy a house, and I’ll help my children. We live in a brutal world where high earners in London are living in bedsits because housing is so expensive. You sound so bitter and miserable. Stop getting involved in your partners affairs with his kids.

Thank you. At what age did things start to get better?

@HebburnPokemon but you aren’t respecting them either are you? I have to say your children being docile and passive isn’t being an introvert and is showing red flags actually because of what the 13 year old does is come in and dance that isn’t that bad - your idea of what is good and therefore what is bad isn’t meeting them in the middle either - expecting silence etc sounds Victorian not millennial

If you think suddenly barging in a room and dancing and singing in front of a TV people are busy are watching is good manners, then you really should indeed stay single.

Stupid, ridiculous comment regarding easier if the other parent was dead.
Easier for who exactly?
Because kids who have lost a parent usually have enormous anger issues which you would then be left to try and deal with.
Same old story on here, too many weak women can't stand on their own feet and end up making everyone's life a misery including their own shacking up with first man that comes their way.
Raise your own kids in your own home and let the men do the same. it's so simple.

@Elle0o...Why on earth are you so aggressive? You're the most aggressive poster I've ever seen on here. This thread is clearly not doing you any good so why are you on it?

I think if my 13 year old came in and danced in front of the TV, he would be doing it for attention, to be honest (but I cannot really imagine him doing that with his dad and his dad’s partner, he would be more likely to take himself off to his gaming set up and ignore them, he’s not a fan of the ‘other person’).

I find it hard to imagine spending 50% of my time in the situation you describe, especially as you are the higher earner and would be better off yourself. Your DC would be better off as well materially and probably emotionally. I don’t really get how you can on one hand think someone is a good husband and on the other hand, deplore their parenting style and their DC.
They are at best 50% of a good husband when the DC are not there.

But it’s not up to me, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly just ask him to move out. You’re not compatible, you’re subsidising his kids, he’s in some sort of strange power play with his ex that you’re all being dragged into, his kids sound completely normal but you’re struggling with them and resentful.

Meanwhile your own kids almost certainly have views on it all which they’re not able to express in a household in which passivity is somehow seen as a positive. It’s sounds miserable for everyone, with the possible exception of your partner.

I think if my 13 year old came in and danced in front of the TV, he would be doing it for attention, to be honest

Yes. So what would you do?

I’ve hardly mentioned the ex?

So in terms of “normal”, extroversion is normal and introversion is…what? Abnormal?

How about everyone respects everyone? 🤔

They’re both normal 🤷‍♀️

What would you do in the scenario I’ve described? People watching TV. Someone enters room and starts dancing in front of TV so it can no longer be watched.

Honestly, I’d laugh. It’s the sort of silly thing kids do when they’re relaxed at home. Or just say “mind out, Bob, I’m watching Newsnight”- no biggie. You seem really outraged by it and I’m not sure why. It’s such a small thing and quite nice as a sign they’re relaxed around you.

I’m an introvert too but being an introvert doesn’t mean no one is allowed to be spontaneous or silly.

If they did it almost every night (as my DSS does) I’m not sure you’d keep your humour.

My heart's breaking for your children. You are sucking the joy out of their lives and not allowing them free expression all under the guise of you and them being introverts. Also why do you assume the way you were raised to be the correct way?