“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Then I’d say to your hubby do you trust me to make the right call with the kids? If yes he has to tell the ex to fuck off when she gets out of her pram. No way would I have an ex bully me into submission. Your husband really needs to have your back if you stand any chance of improvement xx

We can add this poster to the list of those that need a map to ‘AIBU’

Prohibited Steps Order is to prevent your ex taking the child and not returning them

Prohibited steps orders are issued for various reasons. Given evidence, it was a Cafcass recommendation accepted by the court and prevents her from having any further contact with my son. His father chose to stay with her and have no further contact with our then 8 year old. I'm sure she was elated as ultimately she got what she wanted and got rid of my child, which she said from the outset she would do. After that trauma, I took the decision I did to stay single and concentrate on my children. Believe me, having represented myself through five years of family court, I am very well versed with the law.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally Why is that?

I completely agree.

You can still have a healthy relationship with someone and even be part of their kids lives, without needing to live together FT.

You’re not a step parent. Yet you are here giving an opinion on the step parenting board. Do you also head over to SEN parents and give ill informed opinions based on no evidence or are we special here?

I'm sorry your child went through that and I absolutely understand why you would be put off introducing another stepparent. But not all step-parents are evil. Kinda blowing my own trumpet here but me coming into my stepkids lives has absolutely made their lives better. My DH has always been a wonderful dad but I think having someone to share the load, bounce ideas off of etc has made him a better one. I also add things to the family that he wouldn't or would do differently. Especially having DSD, we do loads of girly things together and she really looks up to me.

@HebburnPokemon you asked up top for advice on how to manage your resentment.

First off - I am very sorry for your loss of the children's other parent (whether they were your spouse or you'd split up). I also note you've used fairly gender neutral terms so am not assuming you or OH are a woman /man couple.

You have said a few things that jumped out at me.

• you say you are "an introvert"

-your children are also "introverts", "docile" and so on.

• your step kids are rowdy and make a mess and create chaos
• you feel invisible and sidelined

-you feel resentment - which is anger, boiled down and not able to be expressed

• you sort of think you have to suck it up because it's fair that you live with someone with children.

Unpacking this gives you somewhere to start. Could you have your own therapy?

I'd ask myself questions in three big areas.

Are you angry that you don't have the life you originally chose, with your own children, in your own peaceful home? It was taken from you by death. That is awful. Is your resentment really this anger, that you lost control of your life - but you can't express it, as it isn't the other children's fault, so it comes out as resentment for their different ways? If you get support for your legitimate grief and anger might things feel different?

What do you have invested in you being introverted and your children being the same? Is this a part of your identity that you value? It sounds like it might be. Do you feel instinctively that to be a good person is to be introverted and docile, quietly observant of others and meeting their needs without them having to ask? Maybe the children just aren't like you. (And is DP the same?) Could there be another way to see their behaviour, if it's just rowdiness? As love, expressed loudly? As them being comfortable? Might be easier to live with.

Again, as an "introvert" are you perhaps not good at articulating your needs? How do you articulate what you need to DP and the other children? Are you good at telling the difference between people living differently from you (mess and chaos) and people being disrespectful (fighting, rudeness, breaking things). Have you had a conversation with DP about what they think the boundaries are? Is it actually just painful that the step children are allowed to express their needs loudly and without making themselves small... have you ever been allowed to do that?

And all that jazz.

Yes.

When we adopted siblings, they wore me out. I spent my life reacting to one issue after another, until one day I had a lightbulb moment and decided to try to be more proactive instead. I used to go through everything that had caused issues previously, and think of solutions. Of course, I still got caught out, but not nearly as often, and I felt empowered by my proactive approach.

I know it’s not easy, but there are strategies that can help.

I don't parent my partner's children. When he has he children (quite a lot), I leave him to it! Equally, he doesn't parent mine. I am fond of his children, but they have a mother. I don't think they need another one. We don't live together, and I don't plan to live with him until children have left home.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally I have been a step parent (well boyfriend had two kids). Many years ago. Sadly that relationship didn't work out and I haven't seen the children since. This is partly why I wouldn't do it again. I was very young at the time though and naive with it. However, I did my level best and I hope they remember me kindly. I also have an absolutely wonderful stepmum myself. So I've seen all sides of it. I'm not sure why you felt the need to say that I might head over to the SEN boards and make ill informed comments. I am a SN parent to a child with complicated needs. Does that help? I'm interested in the thread because there seems to be so many step parents who really hate that role and I just don't understand why you'd get involved knowing from the outset that the children would be part of your life.

Admittedly my hideous experiences with my ex-husband's girlfriend have probably affected me more than I should have met them. However, her hatred of my son has done so much damage to him and I can't fathom why she got involved in the first place. She clearly hates children (that aren't hers). Anyway, I shall leave you to it.

@Immemorialelms Thank you for your thoughtful post - keep posting! Very deep and insightful.

Are you angry that you don't have the life you originally chose, with your own children, in your own peaceful home? It was taken from you by death.

Angry and sad, but also bewildered. There's a such a clash of characters! My spouse is an introvert too. So the stepkids really stick out.

What do you have invested in you being introverted and your children being the same?

It's pretty much who we are. We mask all day at work & school. We just want to live in peace. Example: I'll be watching TV in the evening with DP, just the two of us. Stepkid will barge in dancing (literally!) and he'll start dancing in front of the TV and singing. This kid is 13. Right in the middle of us watching something. Then he'll laugh when told off.

I find it bizarre.

Do you feel instinctively that to be a good person is to be introverted and docile, quietly observant of others and meeting their needs without them having to ask

Very interesting question. This is certainly how I was brought up as a child myself.

How do you articulate what you need to DP and the other children?

This is something I need to improve on. I normally do so in an anxious way, like I'm anticipating drama and trying to prevent it. "Please can we have some peace tonight?"

Is it actually just painful that the step children are allowed to express their needs loudly and without making themselves small

I think there's a lot of truth in that, personally, for me.

@Illpickthatup No I'm absolutely not saying that, I have a wonderful stepmum who I love very much. I appreciate her role as my own mum is dead. So I'm really glad that's worked out well for you and your SC's sound very lucky to have you! I would have much preferred it had been like that for my son rather than the horrific trauma that was inflicted on us by a person who knew of his existence (and his disabilities) when she took up with my husband. That is what I struggle with, you know they're there so why get involved if it's going to make you miserable and you can't or won't accept them?

“I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.”

You sound so down in your posts OP - almost struggling and depressed.
So things need to change. More specifically YOU need to change them.
I think you need to start asserting more control over the household so it’s running more to your taste.
Consequences are your DP gets annoyed with you - so suck it up as that must be better than this dread you’re constantly feeling. And you may find that you stepping in to control any excessive behaviour takes some of the pressure/stress off him too. He’ll get used to you being a ‘playing character’. It’s your house too & you have a right to an EQUAL say in what goes on in it.
Another consequence is the kids tell their Mum. So what - your house your rules. DP tells her to back off. Does he call her up & criticise her for what goes on in her house? - I doubt it.

Bottom line is - this cannot carry on as it is, so as you’re obviously an intelligent, probably a well respected woman (at work), have the courage to try something different

You've stated several times that your children are quiet and docile and that you have no intention of "grand-parenting" in the future. It sounds like you don't really like children very much and that they should be seen and not heard. This is possibly why your own children are so passive. I personally would be worried about that as they could make poor choices with their future partners due to you training them to be quiet and docile.

We don’t hate the role we are struggling that’s the difference….its really hard work and you don’t get into thinking it will be this hard. Its so hard to explain unless youre experiencing it.

Forgive me I've not read every single post on this thread. Just wanted to say I too am
struggling big time. My situation is my DP and his two children moved into my tiny home, previously occupied with just me and my DS who has since left home, and he has 100% custody they do not see their mum at all. It's so hard. He had another two children who are grown up, all 4 of them sponge off him, I cannot say a word against them. The two that live with us a good kids but it's so hard to adjust to two boys living in my house. With my own son it was obviously completely different I could comfortably go in his room and pick up his dirty washing etc. with my DPs two teenagers it feels totally inappropriate so I step back. I cook for them and my house is constantly messy and smelly (all I get of DP is they're just boys!). The house is too small and we are not yet in a position to upscale I feel I'm constantly stepping on one of them I often lie on my bed reading it's the only space I have. DP and all his boys are obsessed with sport so im excluded there too. I too feel like a visitor in my own home. I told my partner it would be like him living with two teenage girls obsessed with something like Love Island!! My DS has lost his bedroom so if he comes to visit (he does live a long way away sadly so doesn't visit often) he has to stay in a premier inn or somewhere. It's so bloody hard me and DP bicker so much we are all
living under each others feet. I feel totally taken for granted.

It can "sound" like whatever.

Some people are quiet introverts - I think we deserve equal respect.

@HebburnPokemon I kind of think the fundamentals of your view on your relationship is the issue then.

You say parents/step parents trump relationship of parent/child , I read your partner to hold the opposite as is usually the evolutionary norm. I simply can't imagine putting any person that isn't my childs needs before anyone else, it doesn't make evolutionary sense, not emotional to me.

I have a friend who grew up being told and shown that mum and dad trump her, left her a very messed up adult who took a very long time to learn she could be someone's number one. We usually learn that in our parent child relationship.

I appreciate you hold a different view but I would consider the unintended impact on all the children involved.

@Struggling1406 I think it's time your dp houses his own kids elsewhere!

You all sound like you are under siege and this is all down to your piss taking partners, who are undermining you and not supporting.
If your partners won't back you in disciplining kids or allow their exes to bully you or just completely take over your homes, then the only real solution is to not live together. It doesn't matter how lovely they might be when the kids aren't there, the fact is the kids are there a big chunk of the time.

I also believe separate finances are a good way to stop resentment and to not subsidise a partner's lifestyle. If you are in a house that's more expensive than you need because dp has kids, then dp needs to be paying the excess cost, not the step mum.
I'd go batshit if I was living life like some of you are and the problem really is weak arse men who won't step up. Ultimately if he won't change then you have to decide whether you really want to live like this forever.

You say parents/step parents trump relationship of parent/child , I read your partner to hold the opposite as is usually the evolutionary norm.

Well, if you want to bring evolution into this (?) then I'd argue the marriage has more reproductive potential than a single child.

As for your friend, I don't know their situation but sounds like she was role modelled a strong, devoted relationship, which studies show is beneficial for a child.

Because how can you know what being a step parent would be like until it happens? Hindsight is wonderful.

Struggling1406

This is so sad, your poor son.

My DS has lost his bedroom so if he comes to visit (he does live a long way away sadly so doesn't visit often) he has to stay in a premier inn or somewhere

It's very clear your DP has to find somewhere else to live, you sound utterly defeated. How did this happen when it was obvious there's not enough room for you all?

@LadyBird1973 thanks for replying. Im
not wanting to take over this thread I just wanted to vent a little bit that I am
in a similar situation. I get what you say about needing a bigger house and only needing that bigger house as HE has kids but I am the higher earner I earn literally double. We do have separate finances and we each pay a set amount into an account for bills. Thing is again I feel
a little taken for granted there as I pay half and he pays half, but I'm paying for my share he's paying for 3!! He gets maintenance off the absent parent, child benefit etc. but I say nothing as I earn double.