“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

@HebburnPokemon , and everyone :)... yes, I only actually heard that term this week (mini-wife) and it describes it perfectly!

I'm having a peaceful evening with my laptop and the TV to myself in the TV room. I hope you are all also managing some 'me time'...

It does indeed take thought and planning to stay out the house, especially when I don't particularly want to eat (diet started last week!), or spend money (saving for holiday clothes...!)... but tomorrow I'm out at some family for lunch (my family only), and so that will get me out the house most of the day as they are a good hour away.

Yes and I have always found my days work best with mornings out and active, home for lunch and nap for the little one (or on the journey back) then home for the afternoon, chill with TV and playing at home or in the garden.
Being out all day and packing lunches etc is such an effort!

Also whilst I’m on the note of “simply going out” one thing that really frustrates me about being part of a blended family is how isolated I am with my two. I find weekends are family time for friends so I’m generally on my own with my two. My parents never accompany us on days out or trips to the farm park. It’s not their thing. My in-laws are only interested in my DSS. So I do it all alone whilst DH has DSS or is working.

I have so many friends who wouldn’t take their baby and toddler out to say, the zoo alone, or the leisure centre. I’ve not no choice and do all those things alone. It can feel quite lonely being married but parenting alone.

@EyeOfTheCat yes I totally get that. My kids are older, but I still find it hard to make plans at the weekend with friends as they are with their families. I had one friend I often saw EOW, but she's just moved abroad :(

Like lovers 🤢

I think you unintentionally hit on why so many SM have problems with their SD. It’s the competitiveness and desire to be the number one woman. Which in your own bio children wouldn’t factor as you’d respect that you aren’t top priority but it’s more difficult when the child isn’t yours and you’ve never had the no 1 spot.

You’re not the first SM on here to put the father daughter dynamic in a sexual context.

It must be so hard watching your DH enjoying his daughter’s company. Thoughts and prayers x

the no 1 spot

Who has the number 1 spot when there’s multiple kids 🤔Interesting concept.

Anyway, miniwife syndrome is a thing. And if you’re lucky enough not to have witnessed it, you should count your blessings. It usually involves the child acting as if they have adult authority and are the matriarch of the household. This is indulged by the father.

Obviously a very sick dynamic and hopefully rare.

Thank you…

in our household it involves SD telling DP constantly what to do. Time to make lunch, what to make, how to make it. And sitting next to him all the time. On DP’s part it involves him blowing her kisses across the dining table at every meal and every time she enters or leaving a room telling her she looks pretty and blowing kisses.

I enjoy seeing the pleasure he gets from spending time with his children but sometimes it feels a bit much and I feel literally like a gooseberry….

I also spend a lot of time reminding myself of the dynamics in some of my friend’s families where the DD wedges herself in between both her parents (not divorced) and where DD can be bossy etc. I try so hard to take a step back but I am so triggered too from various upsets over the last few years. I’m trying. I really am. I want it to improve.

On DP’s part it involves him blowing her kisses across the dining table at every meal and every time she enters or leaving a room telling her she looks pretty and blowing kisses.

I threw up a bit in my mouth. Does he do that in public too?

Not in public…

Why do you suppose that is? Because he knows it’s inappropriate!

This kind of behaviour is an absolute dealbreaker for me. I’d lose all respect. You have my deepest sympathies.

I’ve never heard of a mini wife before but it seems to support my theory that there is competitiveness and jealousy between SM and SD for the chap’s affection and time (and who sits next to him at lunch).

My quick Google only brought up stuff from SMs. It’s not a legit psychological concept is it? Just a way for SM to offload on their SD and DP for ‘creating problems’ rather than attempting any introspection.

Tbh the ruling the household type of mini wife behaviour doesn’t bother me. I mostly stay out of it on EOW. DP does all the cooking and cleaning for them, makes their beds, picks up their dirty towels, etc so if she wants to boss him about to do all that then that’s their problem.

it did used to make me totally lose respect but now I feel more of a sense of sadness for him in the guilt he carries that leads to this behaviour. I also don’t think it benefits a 19 year old girl to see a man behave this way and creates poor expectations for her in future relationships.

Yes, I dare say there is an element of jealousy but this comes from my personal issues in terms of always having felt like second best. To my sibling when grown up, and at school, and now here. I try to not let that interfere because that is my problem. I try to be reasonable and rational.

but some of the behaviour is simply uncomfortable and as @HebburnPokemon pointed out, not ok in public therefore not really ok.

but feeling ignored and sidelined and all those other things in ones own home is still very upsetting.

He picks up after a 19yo? Jesus Christ! More fool him.

@Illpickthatup exactly. Although I'm laughing at your username :)

Yes, he picks up after her. He picks up random objects she leaves all over the place as well as towels and even underwear! He does all sorts of things that it wouldn't have entered my mind to do for my kids when they were younger than that, nor they to ask for. As you say, more fool him and it is hard for me to keep the parenting elements out of this as that is really up to him. But, am I the silly one?... My kids are so independent, and capable that I feel so surplus and that can be very sad and lonely (they are in their 20s). Whereas his are very dependent and come to him for all sorts of things, big advice as well as these silly issues. Perhaps this is also at the root somewhere. I am sad to not be so needed by mine, even though I believe it is better for them.

I'm my DHs no.1 just like my mum was my dad's. I think your spouse should always be your no.1 priority as long as the kids needs are being met. The reason why so many marriages fail is because children come along and the spouse is pushed to the bottom. The marriage is the foundation for the family so if it's not being nurtured properly it will likely fall apart which in turn will affect the kids. It's healthy for kids to see that the world doesn't resolve around them.

Our job as parents is to raise our kids to be independent adults. You've been successful in your job. He's failing at his.

People may say his parenting is none of your business but it is if you're going to be stuck living with and funding a 30 year old when you thought you'd be enjoying the house to yourself and enjoying time with your OH.

P.S. I name changed last year after having a bit of a meltdown at people leaving stuff at their arse in the house. I've since whipped them into shape. Even my 6yo SD puts all her washing in the basket now. Haha!

This resonates so much, and this is exactly what the couples counsellor we saw said. We are the ones who are setting the foundation and the role model for the kids.

But, as I say, it is not my responsibility to ensure his kids don't think the world revolves around them. I have to let it go. It is hard to watch it. The dynamics and foundation of his ex and her family are totally different. She still has an umbilical cord to her parents, and the entire family revolves around the kids and their needs and wishes being met. I guess it works for them, and it works for my DP and his kids, it is just me who puts the spanner in the works. But I try to not interfere with that aspect. That's his issue. I try to only be concerned where it affects me directly 'the weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment'. I have to let the other stuff go...

lol, laughing at this post because I replied and read the other one first too. The thought of a 30 year old still here makes me think that I am wise that we aren't actually married so I have a door open, although that would devastate me. I truly love and respect DP in so many ways that I didn't think possible, and the only problems or issues we ever, ever have are to do with his kids. Hence, I do need to put up with it EOW.

This thread has brought me so much sanity and reasoning, @HebburnPokemon .

Am laughing @Illpickthatup about your meltdown. I think it was when my kids were about 7/8 that I bought a 'lights/dark' laundry basket and they each had their own and it worked! Best thing ever.

That why the old classic "you knew what you were signing up to" always makes me roll my eyes.

I bribe my 6yo with money on her GoHenry haha!

@Illpickthatup if it works then good for you!

I tend to think re parenting, that the reward/punishment doesn't actually matter as much as the carrying it out or seeing it through.

It can be the worst or least effective punishment, eg not going on holiday, or no chocolate after tea, but if it isn't followed through, then it doesn't matter and isn't effective. This is actually what I believe to be at the root of many parenting issues.

I only ever gave small threats/punishments, so that I could carry them through! DP tends to withhold pocket money/allowance, but then what happens is that come the end of the month, when kids run out of money because of the 'punishment', he then subs them more. What was the point then?...

But... it is always easy to criticise isn't it? I'm sure if I lived with many of my friends and their kids there would be problems. Nobody parents or agrees with our parenting like we do ourselves.

In the meantime, I am counting the hours.. do you have have any nice plans today? x

My DH told his teenage sons if they didn't get their shit together this year then there would be no summer holiday. They've both fucked it and he's told them that they're not coming. So I have no problem in this house with punishments not being carried out.

My 6yo DSD is a great kid. We used rewards charts to get her into the routine of getting herself ready in the morning and keeping her room tidy. After about 5 weeks she wasn't even bothering with the chart and it had just become second nature to her.

I've had a lovely morning. Transition day today. I'm chilling in bed. DH brought me breakfast and a coffee and is entertaining DSD downstairs while I enjoy some peace and quiet. No other plans today, just a chilled one. Much needed after a hectic Easter holiday week. I hope the clock moves quickly for you.

@Illpickthatup all sounds perfect!! and well run :)

Off out for a family get together soon so I'm happy. Enjoy your chilled day x

I'm my DHs no.1 just like my mum was my dad's. I think your spouse should always be your no.1 priority as long as the kids needs are being met. The reason why so many marriages fail is because children come along and the spouse is pushed to the bottom. The marriage is the foundation for the family so if it's not being nurtured properly it will likely fall apart which in turn will affect the kids. It's healthy for kids to see that the world doesn't resolve around them.

This 100% this.

You've summed up what I've been trying to say throughout this thread. The adult relationship is the foundation of the household. This is an important core value of mine.

This resonates so much, and this is exactly what the couples counsellor we saw said. We are the ones who are setting the foundation and the role model for the kids.

YES.

This thread has brought me so much sanity and reasoning

I am so pleased to hear that. It's a source of comfort for me too.

My DH told his teenage sons if they didn't get their shit together this year then there would be no summer holiday. They've both fucked it and he's told them that they're not coming

Damn, that's a good husband and father.

Transition day today. I'm chilling in bed. DH brought me breakfast and a coffee and is entertaining DSD downstairs while I enjoy some peace and quiet.

What a gem of a find he was!

Yuk, that sounds gross