“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I my personal experience and maybe because I’m a woman and when womanly stuff happened it was more obvious, I never felt at home in my dad’s house. In truth this had nothing to do with my step mother but more to do with my stuff wasn’t there, it wasn’t my home because my mum was there. And I’ll be honest I was a truly vile step child. A lot of my anger and resentment came from wanting mum and dad back together.

I think your experience was particularly ostracising and given what you have shared I can totally see how when a SM expresses a preference want time away from their SC you are back in that front room. I don’t think necessarily the disruptions are the same but it evokes feelings in you.

my step kids, due to my experience have their own room and I try to fill it with bits they like so it feels like home from home. For a long time they referred to my house as dad’s house. Now they call it home, I think that speaks for itself really.

it does sound like from your experience pardon my French your SM was a bitch. From I read of others people on here, SMs tried like really tried and still greeted with an attitude. It doesn’t seem like form the posts they are making the comments you were subjected to but instead they either take themselves off because they feel like a guest in their own home or they speak openly on here things they would never say to a Sc because they know ultimately it’s not the SC fault (most of the time)

as for children not having a choice, they do at a point. I did. I chose and my dad happily agreed to go no contact. There was abuse too. I was 14 when I said I’m done.

if you don’t mind my saying your sympathy to SM’s really doesn’t come across 😂😂

I think you are looking for answers you won’t get in this forum simply because your SM seemed to go out of her way to make your life unpleasant. The women on here I don’t think are doing that, they’re trying their best often with a shit dad for a partner. Sadly you may never get the answers you need because I doubt your step mum will be able to acknowledge because it will be shameful why she held you in such contempt. It was difficult to read a snippet of your experience, I hope despite me enjoying the time my SC’s aren’t here they continue to feel at home. Me and their dad try our best for them and yes sometimes they don’t like it but for the future what they don’t like now they need.

I’ll openly admit I don’t love them and I’m not sure I ever will, I’m fond of them but they have a mum and a dad who love them. My youngest said he loved me the other week, I said it back for his sake not mine, I didn’t want him to feel rejection. We must be doing something right despite me being human and getting frustrated.

thank you for opening up. I hope maybe something I said helps

My sympathy and understanding is relatively new! It probably isn’t coming across because I don’t want other children going through what I did. It’s actually the main reason I never entertained the idea of my own children. So I get defensive.

Your post was a bit upsetting because I didn’t realise my experience was so unusual. I haven’t even shared the good stuff in case it’s outing. But mostly it really helped to put some context around things.

I’m sorry your experience was crap too. Your dad should have fought for you. And what you say in this post puts your relationship with your SC in a different light. I can see from your experiences as a child in a step family why you need to be firm with your boundaries. You can’t be screwed on both ends of the deal! You also showed a lot more compassion towards them than I thought you had. Please don’t take offence at that!

I’m really glad we actually put this time into ‘talking’. You have helped me understand more about step-mumming and about why I have such a visceral reaction to anything I perceive as being hurtful to the children. I genuinely had no idea my relationship with my SM wasn’t typical. x

i think what you went through is not what other Sc are going through, some yes and that’s not ok but most no. The SM’s on here just want some boundaries and respect in their home rightly so but aren’t getting it due to dad so now they’re just pissed off. Pissed off at the behaviour, pissed off at dad and pissed off at not being able to say anything. So in that regard SM and SC probs have similar both in situations most men expect them to put up and shut up.

I had no intention to upset you so apologies for any upset caused. Sometimes it’s tough when an outsider sees it differently.

my dad didn’t fight for me when it mattered no, but it made me who I am so I’m at peace with it. My partner will fight for his kids and would not tolerate me doing what happened to you. I am however allowed to speak openly and I think a big difference I have with him and other SM’s is he actually made a change when I said his parenting was a problem. That’s made life a whole lot better.

i do have compassion for them of course, I’ve been them after all. I also have my own emotional needs. There is a balance. Kids can be happy and so can I. Doesn’t need to be a choice. His kids used to come and stay up till 10pm we would then go to bed 10.10 and straight to sleep. I said I need time to unwind when they go to bed and I’d like time with you alone. At first he said I was unreasonable, hated his kids, he wants them around rah rah rah. Some dads I think gaslight their partners. Is it really unreasonable to ask to have 1 hour without his kids - no. I even said I don’t care if they don’t sleep but please 9pm upstairs so we can have an hour watching something. It took time and a lot of arguements. They now go to bed at 9. Sometimes I will say oh let em finish watching this. The more my partner gives the more I give. The fact he is correcting their behaviour is making life so much better that it’s not just tolerating them being around it’s finding moments of joy when they’re around. Before it was tolerating. I was putting up with stuff that made me miserable so his kids could be happy and it wasn’t a precedent I wanted to set.

no worries, I love a debate, a good healthy one and that for me is seeing each others view points and questioning your own. When I look back on my experience as a step child, I have to be honest, most of it is not memorable. My step mum didn’t do me any harm. She told me to do things I didn’t like sure but no harm. We all have different views on what’s right and wrong. Bringing another adult into your kids life will bring those opinions too. Compromise is needed but is so absent in many scenarios.

interesting you say you chose not to have kids due to your experience. Same here, I don’t want my child to hate a parent the way I did for so long. Having someone else’s isn’t the same. Shame you never had children of your own, I think your experience would have given them so much love and care and you’d have ensured they never felt how you did. Never too late, there’s a lot of unwanted kids out there who could use someone who understands and doesn’t want that for them. Maybe fostering or adoption could help you and the children ? Maybe then you’ll stop looking for answers and start to give others a purpose and sense of belonging x

@StormingNorman

So in summary you had a bad experience so you’re here to project on everyone else who is struggling? Because your version of events is the only possible scernario.

Weve all had hard times in our lives. We’re not all dismissing other peoples experiences and trying to insult people.

I do believe that some people find it easier to love people who aren't 'theirs' than others. This might be at the root of why some people struggle so much with the in law relationships as well as the step family ones. And usually there's a man at the centre of it all, not pulling his weight!

It wouldn't be reasonable for a parent to expect a step parent to love a child as if it was their own. Lovely if that happens but not fair to expect it unless the step parent is the only other parent in the child's life and has agreed to fully take in the role of mum or dad. Making a child feel safe and welcome and at home is the most that can be asked for. (And imo if you care about their feelings and try to make them comfortable, that is a kind of love, even if it's not the same feeling as for your own dc).And none of that involves doing exactly what the child demands or giving them all their own way. Children need rules - it's a sign of care - you value them enough to teach them and give them the tools they will need to function in society. Men who won't see this are lazy parents, used to being Disney dad, safe in the knowledge that mum will do the actual bringing up bit of parenting so the kids aren't feral adults.

maybe just you do you and let me do me.

Well that’s all well and good isn’t it, until you quote someone and call their behaviour disgusting, then ask for subsequent posts questioning your own behaviour to be removed?

Why hang out on the step parenting board at all?

My Grandma was a step child who absolutely hated her DSM, to the extent she was sent to live with other relatives to try and curb her bad behaviour and generally acting out.

My dad was therefore a step grandchild and he talks about the same woman so fondly. They had a really close relationship and I didn’t realise until I became an SM that his Grandma wasn’t his biological Grandma at all - it wasn’t a factor for him and so he never made a point of telling me. I use her recipes that he’s passed down to me now and we have some family sayings that my Dad recollects from her.

Same person - two different interpretations and experiences of their behaviour. Allow that to sink in whilst you are here on the attack. Just another anecdote but hopefully one that illustrates that having an issue with step parenting isn’t just the responsibility of the SM.

My Grandma was a step child who absolutely hated her DSM, to the extent she was sent to live with other relatives to try and curb her bad behaviour and generally acting out.

Some stepchildren hate their stepparents just because they are stepparents.

Quite. Which was the point I was trying to make. Not every SM having a hard time is the problem.

There’s so much bad press for step parents mostly from bio mums who aren’t doing such a great job themselves.

I think you've summed up step parenting really accurately in your op.. in my experience anyway.

Lots of replies to catch up on!

My en suite is off limits to all children

What led to this decision?

I rant freely to my husband when I’m at the end of my rope, but he is also highly tolerant

I think this is the key to your happy live. Alas, I cannot relate.

how are you coping?

Well, a 13 year old stepkid took my property without asking, and now it’s destroyed. So there’s that.
Im sorry to hear you had a tough week :( Focus on the child free time!

Mine have left tonight. Due to stay until tomorrow night but my partner decided to be a rude arsehole to me in front of the kids so just as he was leaving I said oh did you sort alternative childcare for this evening? What? Yea

Woah, the pleasure of outright owning your home! How did he take it?

Not one utter of thank you from the kids

This is why I try not to bother with gifts.

They arrive and don't bother to say hello. Last week I tested a theory and waited for them to speak to me first.. not a single word to me directly in 4 hours

I MUST treat this theory with mine. In fact, we all should haha

I think most of us put up with it as we love our partners and when their kids go home everything is ok again when its just him.

I love you all.(Even the hippies who said I should jump off the sofa and join the stepkids in their “joy” when they are disrupting my evening). Let’s keep this support outlet of a thread moving.

His daughter acts out in many ways but he's got his head in the sand, won't address it, won't admit there might be a problem. If I say anything he gets defensive, he parents from a place of guilt. The result is that me and his DD don't really have a relationship, we're more or less separate family units living in the same house and I'm on eggshells when she's here.

Are you ME?? How often is your stepdaughter in your home? Any coping tips? I find keeping myself to myself is the only thing that preserves my spoons! (And even then, there’s still drama).

I think some of these husbands could do with therapy to work through their guilt and recognise the impact it's having on their wives, but ultimately, they are willing to throw you all under the bus rather than insist on manners from their children and decent behaviour.*

This hit hard. But it makes sense from their POV. Why risk rocking the boat with your kids when you can just piss off your spouse (who is less important than the kids). They don’t realise they’re not helping the kids.

*BabePaley good luck with your studies! I too am juggling full time stressful management job and postgrad. My spoons for dealing with shit are limited,

My partner can still be an absolute cock but things with our blended set up are much much much improved. The kids hear the word no now and have a bedtime

Im very pleased to hear positive progress. How did the kids react when he switched?

What I’m learning is that it doesn’t work for anyone unless you are exceptionally lucky, or the man who brought a family together without regard for the rest of the poor bastards who share the household.

Probably doesn’t work for the dads either.

The bio parent, usually dad, who sets up a new family without any regard for the relationship between the kids and the new partner or doing anything to make that relationship work is at fault.

I find that last sentence interesting. What can the bio parent do to make the step relationship work? Take the 4 hour example earlier, where a stepmum waited to see how long it would be before a step kid acknowledged her - what can the bioparent do? Force them to greet?

It’s a sort of I’m alright Jack attitude and everyone is left to compete/fight it out/deal with the trauma while he swans around with his head up his arse pretending everything is ok.

Do you think the bio is impacted by any of the drama?

now can you imagine being blanked, ignored in your own home. Having your possessions trampled on, damaged, broken. Not something we’d tolerate from anyone else so can you for one second imagine how weeks, months and years of this behaviour would start to cause resentment? Would piss you off?

Nail on head. It’s GRIM!!

whilst this is going on as you say dad is oblivious

Is he though?

There was not a single day when it wasn’t absolutely clear to me that my SM would rather I didn’t exist. And a lot of SM on here bear that out. Their lives would be better without us. They tolerate us but they are only really happy when we leave. Despite all the effort that SM’s put into putting a brave face the kids know if there isn’t any genuine affection. And vice versa.

So what is the solution? Bio parents stay single throughout their prime and only when kids are 18+, 20+, 25+ can they search for a relationship? How very sad. But they made their bed, right? I’m sure the kids knowing they are the source of their parents loneliness would go down well…

At first he said I was unreasonable, hated his kids, he wants them around rah rah rah. Some dads I think gaslight their partners. Is it really unreasonable to ask to have 1 hour without his kids - no. I even said I don’t care if they don’t sleep but please 9pm upstairs so we can have an hour watching something. It took time and a lot of arguements. They now go to bed at 9.

I could have written this word for word. Our needs are translated to “we hate the kids”. It’s such a bizarre stretch that it has to be gaslighting.

think you've summed up step parenting really accurately in your op.. in my experience anyway.

You talking to me? Thanks!

Urgh, I always get the YOU HATE MY KIDS thing too.

Genuine suggestion - can you take your own kids out sometimes on these weekends and leave him to it with his own? (You can surely use the “nice for the step kids to have some one on one time with their dad without other kids there - and nice for your kids, who’ve lost their father, to have some space to reflect etc with just their mum” to get round any objections). I genuinely think it might do you a lot of good and might actually force your DP to step up and parent a bit more effectively. He’ll know what’s behind it, but he can’t reasonably object. And you could have some nice, quiet, higher quality time with your own children: go for a meal, a film, a trip to a stately home for a walk and a cake and coffee - whatever floats your/their boat. The space would probably help and give you something to look forward to on “those” weekends.

this thread keeps me sane atm...

I am so happy that there are others who feel like me. Well, I'm not happy that we are all having this upsetting experience, but I'm happy that I'm not alone and I feel understood, and that I'm not going crazy!!...

Hello, I'm here, I do actually exist... and I do matter. Contrary to popular belief in my household this weekend :(((...

@bananasaredelicious welcome! What's been happening for you this weekend?

I'd be telling him to get out of the room now. My home my rules, whomever owns the child. Certainly a 13 Yr old needs much better manners

@HebburnPokemon this weekend is the one with the kids... I'm trying so hard to remain indifferent, but sometimes I feel like a gooseberry between lovers (my DP & his DD who is 19).

I'm trying so hard to not be judgemental of the DSK's behaviour and just let it all go.. only 24 hours left...

It is so hard isn't it?...How's your weekend? x

This is what I do but it gets exhausting planning things with a 2.5 and 5 year old. When it’s “our” weekend we can kick back and relax in our home and go out as and when. Actively trying to stay out the house takes some effort and forward planning. When you work aswell it all feels quite pressured.

Summer is much easier when you can go out to the parks etc and it’s not expensive to find indoor activities.

Uh-oh, mini wife syndrome? I’m so please my situation has not (yet?) got that shit in it. It’s such a gross dynamic.

It’s also my weekend with the stepkids. We can get through!

Actively trying to stay out the house takes some effort and forward planning. When you work aswell it all feels quite pressured.

This.

Outside of work I’m exhausted.