“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I’ve come late to the party.

I’d dread feeling like a guest in my own home the 2 days. They just change the wholes routine and dynamic and I don’t always have the energy to accommodate it - shoot me now!

I can relate to this so much, thank you for posting, my lovely family home turns into DSS’ palace. The calmness and peace in my beautiful family home is replaced with friction. I said to my friend that “His Majesty arrives to remind the rest of us we are mere mortals” and that’s exactly how it feels.

“Our children” just co-exist, we all rub along together. DSS comes and it’s like he’s looking for an argument, he’s antagonistic, he expects waiting on. Someone cries. I don’t see any benefit - I don’t think DSS especially enjoys staying. He is a creature of habit and I think he finds the change unsettling, DH tries to compensate by spoiling him but to the exclusion of my kids who resent that.

I worked really hard with DH to have as minimal an impact as possible on the environment in the home - but this achieve that we’ve had to spend our time almost entirely separately and then I resent never getting a break from the children myself (DH doesn't see the kids in waking hours during the normal working week).

I’ll probably get torn apart. I expected both DH and his ex to be competent parents and the dynamic evolve as more children came. They didn’t step up and we all suffer.

@ABirdsEyeView

I honestly don't think your husbands will do anything to change unless not changing costs them what they don't want to lose (you)!

absolutely right. My partner and I had crisis talks and I was ready to leave. I told him his parenting had to change because I am sick of the kids happiness being at the expensive of mine. He had it in his mind he had to chose me or the kids. I said not at all but we need a balance. I’ve opened my home to your family with the intention to be a part of it but my home has rules and they need to be respected. I also need to be respected by you and the kids. I need to be able to have life with you and the boys but also independently of. He was Disney dadding. This style has now changed and he is using opportunities of unwanted behaviours as learning opportunities. My partner can still be an absolute cock but things with our blended set up are much much much improved. The kids hear the word no now and have a bedtime 🙌🏼

they can do it if they choose. Or they might be lucky to move on to a woman who will put up and shut up. That ain’t ever gunna be me 🤷🏼‍♀️

"I asked if he'd do anything to minimise their disruptive behaviour. He said no."

Theres your answer then! You've given him a chance to change and he's basically told you to fuck off and that he'll do as he pleases. Theres absolutely no way you should be taking him back. Respect is more important than love!

That’s a disgusting way to speak about a child. How would you feel if another adult spoke about your children in those terms?

I’m sure your SS knows exactly how welcome he is and that’s why he plays up. Your DH also knows how welcome his son is made to feel and that’s why he spoils him.

if you want to be able to rub along with your SS, you need to address your attitude.

If my children behaved like DSS I would stand with them and feel the same.

He doesn't think screaming, slamming doors and jumping on couches is an issue. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and he has me wondering if I am.

You are not being unreasonable.
And it doesn't actually matter whether he thinks it's okay behaviour - you don't and it's your home too!
Am I right in thinking it's actually your house and he's moved in with you? Because if so, that's extra cheeky fucker behaviour right there!
Either way though, he doesn't respect how you feel and he doesn't care about the impact on you. When it comes to priorities, you are way form on his list. Honestly, lovely it's time to throw this one back in the sea.

I have been doing this gig a while now, had alot of therapy, lost myself along the way, diagnosed depression and anxiety from the trauma I’ve suffered. I am pretty confident now in my beliefs after years of being told (not by my therapist I might add) I was the issue and if I just changed and just tried a bit harder things would improve for me I am more objective now. I won’t be offended or undermined by someone on Facebook who has precisely zero idea of what life is like in my shoes and probably wouldn’t have come this far.

Were you the SM or the SC? Your descriptions of trauma and therapy apply to both so I’m not sure what side of the fence you’re on.

I hate it when posts are deleted - makes it very hard to follow a thread!

Funnily enough both of those posts were abusive towards me but I only reported one of them! My deleted post was a response to one of the deleted posts throwing the question back. It didn’t really impact on the thread at all.

Thanks.

I thought the deleted posts were fine. How hypocritical that you asked for them to be deleted when you are only here to spout vitriol.

Im not going to engage with someone who is only here to undermine me.

I’m not undermining you. I’m asking a question. I don’t keep track of who’s who. My memory has been fucked since a nervous breakdown so I only go by your last post and it isn’t clear which side of the fence you’re on from your posts.

The ironic thing is that stepmums and step children have exactly the same feelings and experience of being in a blended family. What I’m learning is that it doesn’t work for anyone unless you are exceptionally lucky, or the man who brought a family together without regard for the rest of the poor bastards who share the household.

Obviously someone other than me thought they were an attack on me. I reported one post. The other was reported by somebody else 🤷‍♀️

i Asked for one to be deleted. Somebody else asked for the other to come down.

This is my gripe with you, no one can have a debate with you because you push your own views in a way that rubs people up the wrong way. I am a step mum but have been a step child. I understand that you had a not great experience as a step child. That said, I was a step child and am a step mum. My step child and step mum experience are totally different so your last statement is not correct for everyone. In any situation I wear different hats. Hat one, step kids hat, how I’d of felt as a step kid. Hat two, the other parents hat, how my mum would of felt and last hat my hat as a partner / step parent and in each scenario I try to find the outcome which suits all hats and often compromise on each part.

i think the consistent point / message / frustration you seem to overlook is as step mums it’s not so much the kids we have issue with, it’s the parent we are in a relationship with. The ones with issues with the kid is when we are treated in a way that we wouldn’t be allowed to treat the SC and they’re old enough to know better. Still traces back to the dad to have dealt with this but as they are of an age to know better some responsibility falls on their shoulders.

id love to have a debate with you as you have strong views as do I and I’m prepared to see your points and stand in your shoes. Pause and consider but I don’t feel you are prepared to do the same which is what is fucking people off.

We agree on one point though. The bio parent, usually dad, who sets up a new family without any regard for the relationship between the kids and the new partner or doing anything to make that relationship work is at fault. It’s a sort of I’m alright Jack attitude and everyone is left to compete/fight it out/deal with the trauma while he swans around with his head up his arse pretending everything is ok.

You say you don’t think I’d consider other people views but that is why I’m here. I would love to understand what was going through my SM’s head. But it seems whatever I say is twisted…I can’t even ask a fecking question without taking flack.

I absolutely wholeheartedly agree with you. But do you not agree that kids of 12 + and that’s being generous should be responsible for their behaviour and actions? There is responsibility to be had there.

now can you imagine being blanked, ignored in your own home. Having your possessions trampled on, damaged, broken. Not something we’d tolerate from anyone else so can you for one second imagine how weeks, months and years of this behaviour would start to cause resentment? Would piss you off?

whilst this is going on as you say dad is oblivious. You feel alone. You’ve tried to speak to the dad got nowhere. So what would your next step be and how would you feel? Keep in mind leave is not an option or don’t want it to be an option because the problems are mostly isolated to his parenting and that’s a small percentage of the overall picture. You wouldn’t throw your whole wardrobe out because you don’t like one top. That kind of thing.

I do understand that and this is where I think experiences are similar. As a child you expect to feel at home in your dad’s house. Everything you say about being alternately ignored and lashed out at and having your stuff ruined goes for how some SM treat their SC too. I couldn’t do anything right so I’d remove myself to sit in a room on my own and would be told I was boring and antisocial and “I’ve spent all afternoon cooking and she can’t even be bothered to sit with us”. So id move to the sitting room and if my dad asked what I wanted on TV, it would be “everything revolves around her”.

There was not a single day when it wasn’t absolutely clear to me that my SM would rather I didn’t exist. And a lot of SM on here bear that out. Their lives would be better without us. They tolerate us but they are only really happy when we leave. Despite all the effort that SM’s put into putting a brave face the kids know if there isn’t any genuine affection. And vice versa.

and if I mistakenly left anything in the house, it would end up broken “while cleaning” or “my brothers broke it by accident”.

The difference is that as the adults in the situation SM’s have the option to leave, as unpalatable as that may be. As a child you don’t have that choice. I’m very LC with my dad and SM now (it will come as a surprise to nobody 😂) and the gaslighting bastards have the fucking cheek to play the victim and ask why we don’t have a good relationship. You honestly couldn’t make it up.

But I am more sympathetic to SM’s now because I realise that actually there is a lot of commonality. I can imagine there are some therapists who spend their entire day alternating between SMs and SCs. 😂😂😂