“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Yes! I do this too and I hadn't even realised, until I read that!

relationships can often come down to whether you’d rather be unhappily married or unhappily single if you are co-dependent (which I think you said you were). This is where you are now and only you can make that decision.

How’s everyone coping with the Easter weekend?

Peaceful. First Easter in 10 years we've not had sd here. She's a young adult, had some awful behaviour, chose to cut us off as we sought to stop it and haven't seen her in many months.
I know my husband desperately misses her despite all she's said and done but I am quite enjoying the peace ( I know it's not in keeping with what mn posters will say but it's my reality) the last year has been so hard I'm enjoying just feeling relaxed

My stepchildren are currently with us more than they’re not, which is fine because it’s always been firmly the case that this is their home too. Obviously due to this, and the pop-in-pop-out nature of our family life, routines are often upended. Walking on eggshells is familiar to me - I find it comes in waves. Sometimes things can feel a little dicey for weeks on end. But, they’re children of divorce and we’re all feeling our way along together so it’s a good idea to just live and let live sometimes.
Yes, the kids can drive me absolutely wacky sometimes, but kids are inherently self interested.

My husband is a doting but soft father. He is also the father of my children and I couldn’t have chosen a better one. This sometimes gets my back up.

My wellness techniques…

1. I always sleep on a problem, unless it’s an emergency and needs immediate intervention. This helps to put SC / husband’s behaviours into perspective when I’m feeling fraught.
2. I am exceptionally tolerant.
3. I rant freely to my husband when I’m at the end of my rope, but he is also highly tolerant and will also prefer to sleep on it - arguments about the kids are infrequent and yet we both speak our minds.
4. My en suite is off limits to all children (by birth or by bonus)
5. I do parent all the children when they’re under my roof.
6. I have no relationship with the ex wife. Whatsoever.

This is how I tick along. My life is actually pretty great. My family is lovely and my marriage is genuinely happy. I think it’s normal to experience everything you do. But I also think it’s possible to still have a genuinely happy home life. If you do not, then you should seriously rethink your set up. Especially if you don’t share children.

You need to leave then! These kids haven't suddenly appeared! Go find a child-free bloke

This sounds utterly miserable!

Yes I can resonate with that. Every weekend we have DSS there’s guaranteed an argument between me and DP. It’s especially hard as SS is really struggling emotionally , there are lots of issues going on for him inc. not attending school and I feel I have absolutely no say regarding what I feel would help him. On the odd occasion I have suggested something it leads no where. SS also sadly does not connect or care about our shared DC and it’s so hard to have to bite my tongue over something so painful and potentially damaging to my children.

@HebburnPokemon how are you coping?….

my weekend improved as of yesterday lunchtime when SC went home after unplanned stay of 6 days. It had been a terrible week for me. Spent most of it upstairs or out just to avoid being blanked and ignored in my own home… very upsetting. (I did nothing wrong… ) x

I’m so sorry to read this. Although my days of this are well and truly over I can empathise so much. I was ignored/blanked/made fun of in my own home too many times. I feel for you.

My step kids have just left so I’ve finally managed to sit on the sofa after cleaning up the carnage. Apart from one episode of ‘ the rules don’t apply to me because I’m special’ the weekend has been pretty decent to be honest. Unfortunately my DH is now wasting half our day running around because his ex is a selfish cow who won’t drive or come to our house, once he’s back normality will resume.

Being blanked in your own home is really something your husbands need to be dealing with. It's totally unacceptable for them to allow a situation like that to continue.
Honestly, I would refuse to have anyone in my house who couldn't be civil.
So many men are making their lives a misery because they won't parent effectively!

Ah mate, hope you’ve been having a well earned rest and you’re doing ok.

Mine have left tonight. Due to stay until tomorrow night but my partner decided to be a rude arsehole to me in front of the kids so just as he was leaving I said oh did you sort alternative childcare for this evening? What? Yea I’m not having you disrespect me the way you did then expect me to look after your children. They’ve been returned to their mother. Operation tidy up done and now have my house back for a week 😊 another bonus he is sleeping in the other room so clean bed to myself - bliss! @HebburnPokemon hope you are doing ok and find some peace during half term xx

Yep, the thread title pretty much sums up how I feel.

Their mum didn't get them any easter eggs this year because the middle one doesn't like chocolate (so why not buy him an alternative rather than make the other 2 miss out?)

DP doesn't 'bother' with easter.

Muggings here insisted he must get them something as it must be miserable for children not to get any treat on easter.

He opted to get them sweets and I paid for them.

Not one utter of thank you from the kids, but I'm assuming he took the credit.

They arrive and don't bother to say hello. Last week I tested a theory and waited for them to speak to me first.. not a single word to me directly in 4 hours (they were here for tea)

I used to have a lovely relationship with the middle one but for the past 6 months or so she has been completely off with me, barely acknowledging me at all. It makes me wonder what the mother has said to make me look bad and then I feel like saying "if you don't like me then why are you in my house?"

..which I know isn't fair and I'd never ever say that. Their father lives here so they need to feel at home here too.. but I don't feel at home at all when they're here and it's my place and mine alone.

I've already decided that this relationship isn't for me and I'm putting plans in place to end it.

This sounds like my long weekend no thank you for the Easter eggs hardly spoken to attitude when they do I spole to my partner he was going to speak to them about everything but didn’t of course. Why is iit stepmums have to put up with everything just because they dont see their kids and yes we are meant to be supportive but wheres out support when we are in the bathroom crying because heaven forbid we say something or we feel like an outsider every other weekend.

From the last few posts seems like some of you are used as a base with housekeeping thrown in for their DC contact, and you must shut up and put up with rude behaviour IN YOUR OWN HOMES 🙄

No words.

Well that does make a nice change 😊

But they don't and thats the problem they are so worried about saying anything incase they upset the kids. Ive brought it up so many times and i get fobbed off yeah i will speak to them but heaven forbid i moan about his children . I think most of us put up with it as we love our partners and when their kids go home everything is ok again when its just him. I know that’s not right but i think thats the truth.

It’s exactly how it feels unfortunately

Hello, can I join? I'm not married to DP but we've been living together for four years, together for seven. I have a DS16 and he has a DD12. He's had a fraught relationship with BM, they split up when his daughter was very young and BM hasn't looked him in the eye since. It's really weird and obviously will have an impact on the girl. His daughter acts out in many ways but he's got his head in the sand, won't address it, won't admit there might be a problem. If I say anything he gets defensive, he parents from a place of guilt. The result is that me and his DD don't really have a relationship, we're more or less separate family units living in the same house and I'm on eggshells when she's here. They've been away for Easter, me and my son have had the house to ourselves and I'm in two minds about whether I want them to come back 😕

@Butterfly212 I don't dispute that for a second - I can easily see how it happens. But the thing is, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Personally, I couldn't live this kind of half life. It's not fair on you and it's not good for the kids either.
I honestly don't think your husbands will do anything to change unless not changing costs them what they don't want to lose (you)!

I think some of these husbands could do with therapy to work through their guilt and recognise the impact it's having on their wives, but ultimately, they are willing to throw you all under the bus rather than insist on manners from their children and decent behaviour.

Obviously when you blend families everyone has to bend a little and learn to tolerate behaviours that they find a extra annoying because they don't have the deep emotional bonds that make you tolerate irritating behaviour from your own dc. But that shouldn't extend to being ignored in your own houses etc.

If this was my h I'd be telling him that unless/until he rectifies the situation, it would be best to live apart/separate. Seems extreme but this is how you're going to be living for years - I couldn't do it.

@BabePaley I'd recommend living separately - you have to put yours and own child's best interests first. Not saying to totally give up on the relationship but I think your dp has to take steps to resolve the issues, not just bury his head in the sand and make you miserable while he does it.

I actually suggested that last year as he has an apartment he's renting out and could move back into. He almost didn't take me seriously, just offered to move to his parents for a few months to 'give me space'. Then we agreed we'd try to fix the situation but he did nothing except tell me that she needed to have friends/family over to my house so she'd feel more welcome. I have a small house and am studying so I asked if he'd do anything to minimise their disruptive behaviour. He said no.