Hang on..I'm a mother too.

[waterlellon]

Sorry it's a mothers day one.

So DH asked repeatedly if the DSC wanted to spend mothers day with their mum. Their mum didn't mind and said no stick to usual pattern.

Now all of a sudden DH has to take them back on mothers day so they can see her for lunch.

Fine whatever. However I am also a mother to his children and now I'm spending it with LO on my own until he gets back later in the afternoon.

I'm just ranting. I knew he had kids. I chose this.

So she wants to have her cake and eat it basically regardless of how it inconveniences anyone else. Standard.

She shouldn’t have to communicate that the day important to her! That totally undermines the principle of the day if she has to ask to be appreciated!

If it helps OP. My DH is working, he works Sundays where he doesn’t have DSS and Mothering Sunday is one of those.

In his defence, he asked which day I’d prefer he worked, Saturday or Sunday. He also suggested something nice id like to do. So I know he’s not overlooked me completely.

Still stings a little that he’s working to
accommodate DSS’ contact time, so it’s a slight detriment to me for something that brings zero benefit. But atleast he’s considered me and discussed it.

Er no. it’s supposed to be about celebrating the Mother not the child. A bit of appreciation.

Hard disagree. This is not about the vagaries of fate to which OP would indeed be better off responding with stoicism. It's about her "D"H being a spineless, thoughtless coward who's pandering to his ex's desire to both have her cake and eat it (piss-up on Saturday but still getting her kids chauffeured to her on Sunday) above those of his actual wife and mother of his younger child. Unless OP makes it into a big deal what's to keep him from prioritizing the ex over, and over, and over again next time? Shrugging it off and smiling would be exactly the wrong reaction. DH needs to feel the consequences of antagonizing the woman he actually lives with over one who can only harangue him over the phone.

So is he just dropping them off and coming back to you? So can’t you do breakfast in bed and then he does roast dinner in the evening. And can he take LO on Saturday so you can have some me time. How often do you get a break @waterlellon because that is surely more important than one very commercialised day? If we are looking at the tradition of this day we would all be travelling back to our hometowns to go to our local church

Exactly. The issue here is that he hasn’t actually asked or considered what his wife would like.

I have trained my DH to actually consult me
before making plans. There is nothing worse than someone making an incorrect assumption about what you would like, or worse, not even thought of you.

It would be better if her DH could be considerate of his actual wife. Why does it all need to be on OP?

Make him take your kid with him and go off out and do something nice on your own, and tell him you expect dinner in a restaurant later in the day.

My DH consults with me if his ex asks for any change to the schedule. It's just common courtesy.

A 4 hour car journey with a small child. That's not really fair on the kiddo.

I think you just need to rant, and then move on.

Yes, thoughtless of your DH, but find yourself something nice to do while he's out, and remember there are many, many Mother's Days to come.....and it's the ones where your child is old enough to make a fuss of you themselves (rather than it being your DH on their behalf) that are the special ones.

Why did DH allow her to change her mind? The line 'we've made plans' should suffice.

Exactly this.

This

My perfect day would be a spa day. I look after my kids independently probably 13 days out of 14. I would much prefer a break than another monotonous Sunday alone with them.

No I absolutely agree! We don't do Mother's Day at all in our house, my choice, I think it's silly and I'm appreciated enough. But OP does, and the husband needs to acknowledge that!

I'm guessing OP spends every day with her child. Big whoop.

Surely there's a compromise in this? As Biological mother, I can understand she still wants "her" Saturday night kid free, and can wake up with a lie in Sunday morning, and doesn't have to deal with the "parental drudgery" herself all day too, but your needs matter too.

So surely he does breakfast in bed for you at 9am, leaves to drop step kids home by 11am, and is back by 1pm to take you out for a Mother's Day lunch?

Sorry if this has been said but can he drop DSD early Sunday morning and be back for Lunch with you?

What an awful, stupid, and incorrect thing to say.

There absolutely is a compromise, the issue is OPs DH hasn't suggested one or tried to make any plans to ensure both mums are celebrated. The ex isn't having to compromise. She's getting her night out on the Saturday and afternoon drop off so she can enjoy her hangover in peace in the morning. OP is getting the leftovers of the day. She's 2nd priority to the ex.

I'm sure if her DH said "I'll get up early with LO and bring you breakfast in bed. Then when I'm taking the kids to their mum's why don't you go visit your mum for a couple of hours. I've booked us a lovely late lunch when I get back. I'll get LO to bed and run you a nice bath then we can watch your favourite film together, OP would be delighted. Or even if he said "I know dropping the kids off is a huge chunk out of the day but don't worry I've sorted some plans so you get to celebrate mother's day too.

But he hasn't considered OP, hasn't asked what she'd like, hasn't suggested a compromise, he's just dancing to his ex's tune and OP just has to suck it up.

He is putting his dcs from his first marriage and his ex first, before you and your dc together.

All the stuff proposed here like swapping days etc… could be done by the ex too if they wanted to,

You are BOTH mothers, both with dcs that deserve to celebrate Mother’s Day. Both people that should be recognised for the hard work they put in.
Whats not right, is for @waterlellon to become a second class mother. For her to not be shown the same appreciation from her dh than he shows towards the ex (by doing a 4 hours round trip).
(and fir people to try and make her feel guilty about not being happy about it!)

@waterlellon have you told him that and what did he say?

You have a DH problem.

He should have offered his ex 2 options - 1) swap contact weekend (and say goodbye to her Saturday night plans) so she could have the kids on Mothers Day, or 2) stick to the original arrangement.

Taking them on a 4 hour car journey for a lunch is not a reasonable demand.

He's a bit of a mug, isn't he?