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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partner unsupportive and not around for surgery

120 replies

Firsttimemum0558 · 01/03/2024 21:33

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen.
Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery.
For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!!
Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 01/03/2024 21:36

I think you know you’re doing this alone.
Hope all goes well with the surgery.
When your baby has recovered you need to consider whether you want to stay with this man.

TheHorneSection · 01/03/2024 21:37

Why are you even still with him?

TruthorDie · 01/03/2024 21:37

Not unreasonable. His Dad sounds like a prick. Time to cut him loose once your son has recovered

pikkumyy77 · 01/03/2024 21:38

Leave him. This will never get any better. He is uncaring and inhumane.

Lovemybunnies · 01/03/2024 21:39

Do you think he’s frightened? I wonder if he’s avoiding it. If not he’s incredibly selfish and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this alone. I hope you have someone else who could be with you and the baby. I hope it goes well.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/03/2024 21:44

He's leaving you to cope alone & wants your car????

I hope the answer is no, you inconsiderate arsehole. F* off.

And ltb. You and your child deserve more.

NamingConundrum · 01/03/2024 21:51

I haven't seen earlier post but what would you do if the elder son was yours and with you full time?

I know you want to reduce risk of infection but if you have multiple kids you have multiple kids. He's being an absolute shit for lack of support and especially for requesting the car, but he's not wrong that he is also responsible for his older son.

That's his time he's responsible for his sons care, any woman coming on here saying NRP dad has absconded responsibility for the oldest for the short time they get in favour of their half sibling with new partner would be told he's a shithead and needs to remember he has 2 kids. Even when stepmums come on here saying they want to not have their DHs child from earlier relationship after giving birth to recover and avoid infecting newborn get trashed because people have kids with siblings all the time.

Gently, you knew he had an older son, you're the one insisting on disappearing off to your mums to avoid your stepchild. He's not leaving you to cope alone, you're refusing to go home. If you went home with baby presumably DH would have to help you care for baby in addition to his son just like you would if you had 2 kids.

He's still being a shit for requesting car though.

Anuta77 · 01/03/2024 22:06

@NamingConundrum
The only way one parent would have to stay with older children if a younger one needs surgery is if theres noone else to care for them. But in the case of blended families, the older child has another parent and nobodys a** would fall off if the child comes another day.

Anuta77 · 01/03/2024 22:09

No, you are not being unreasonable. A surgery is important, especially if its not the first one and one would imagine that the father cares about the baby. Nobody would die if the older son stays with the mother and comes another day. It could be explained to him and he should be able to understand. I would have a lot of trouble to get past this with my partner.
Best of luck with your babys surgery!

NewNameNigel · 01/03/2024 22:11

Gently, you knew he had an older son

Adding the word gently in front of this doesn't you any less of an arsehole for pulling it out the old chestnut "you knew what you were getting into".
Presumably the op didn't know that her tiny 6 month old baby would require multiple surgeries... Can you not even imagine how terrifying that would be for her?

Scaffoldingisugly · 01/03/2024 22:17

Presumably op's baby isn't having surgery for the laughs....
Pack all your stuff for your dm's....

NamingConundrum · 01/03/2024 22:21

Actually the gently was to her being the one refusing to go home. He isn't leaving her alone, she's refusing to go back. I do get it's terrifying, but her terror doesn't magically make another child and responsibility for that child disappear. They are a family with two children. He is responsible for his son in that time. His ex is under no obligation to take him or to allow a change of dates should he request it.

NamingConundrum · 01/03/2024 22:29

This post from other side could also be written as "my baby needs surgery but my partner is refusing to have baby in the same house as their older sibling after. They're threatening to leave me, preventing me from seeing my own poorly child, and go to their parents unless I bar their older sibling from their own home for the duration of the recovery"

Whattodo2024 · 01/03/2024 22:42

Think you are both being unreasonable. Your DH should be there for the op. but you should accept your child has an older sibling who lives with you even if he/she isn’t your child.

It’s like when you have a second baby - in an ideal world you’d bring them home to a peaceful clean house but the reality is their older sibling strokes them with their messy hands and sneezes on them. You can’t say sorry older sibling, can you go elsewhere for a week in case you infect my newborn.

Prydddan · 01/03/2024 22:44

Him wanting your car would be the final straw for me.

Illpickthatup · 01/03/2024 22:45

NewNameNigel · 01/03/2024 22:11

Gently, you knew he had an older son

Actually flabbergasted that someone has cracked out this age old statement in these circumstances.

Yes, she knew he had a child but ya know, life happens. Parents should be flexible in emergency situations like this. Even my DHs nightmare of an ex was understanding when we had to fly to another country as his brother was dying.

He doesn't have to give up time. He can switch days. OP needs to ditch this man. It's quite clear that her and her son will always be at the bottom of his pile of priorities, even in life or death situations. Oh and tell him to get his own fucking car!

purplediscoblue · 01/03/2024 22:49

@NamingConundrum you’re wrong so wrong.

my partner has an eldest son and we have a daughter who’s 2 he’s 11. If our child needed surgery 1/2/3/4-10 times I can bet on my life her dad would arrange with the other child’s mum to not have him while tbis was going but to see him as soon as possible otherwise. Even still my partner freaks out when his children are hurt etc and most likely wouldn’t handle a hospital situation very well but you best beliebe that man would be there when he wasn’t he’d be on FaceTime on the phone texting calling. I drive he doesn’t and he’d get an Uber to me for me to drive us home together( this happened when our baby was on light therapy)..

no excuses. Nothing stops him putting his youngest first while he is being operated on it is just selfish. He could arrange to take his eldest child for dinner or a visit in the week to replace the time lost but tough shit the baby he decided to produce also needs him not just his eldest and that is that

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 01/03/2024 22:50

Honestly… why are you with this utter prick?

I would of left him after he refused to attend the first surgery…. Let alone the 3rd.

sleepyscientist · 01/03/2024 22:54

What is the surgery? DS had surgery at around 12 months only one parent was allowed to stay and the other could only come for visiting time. How long will baby be in hospital, if it's day case why can't DH have the older child and pick you both up from the hospital after little one is discharged? If your staying in he could bring the sibling to visit.

excelledyourself · 01/03/2024 22:54

If he won't even ask his ex to change the arrangements at this time, I really can't see how things will ever get better for you, OP.

It looks like you really are on your own. Cut and run while your baby is young enough to not be too affected.

I hope all goes well for you and your baby

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2024 22:56

Would you go to your mums still if the older child lived with you full time? If not then you see then ss as a visitor not a brother of your baby. If you would still go to your mums then yanbu.

I wonder if you might feel more comfortable asking if you can stay in the house with baby and all its stuff and your DH can take son to stay at his parents if they're local.

Unless your DH and his ex have a really good relationship it's unlikely you'll be able to get them to swap often so I can see why he's not asking.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 01/03/2024 22:56

Older child probably feeling extremely put out due to the speedy arrival of his new half sibling

TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 22:57

There are a few issues here. Some yabu most yanbu. But at the end of the day, this man is a selfish bellend. He wont improve.

I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him
that is you being unreasonable. He has responsibilities on those days. He should bring his son with him to support you as a family.

He’s also once again not attending this operation.
he is unreasonable. He should be attending with his son.

He has then also asked to have my car for those days!!
did you say no?

Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic
not at all. But yabu to expect that jot to include his son.

suafa · 01/03/2024 22:58

He should be more supportive but your step child is a member of your household.

If you feel he is unsupportive go to your parents but do not make this about the presence of your stepchild.

LizardOfOz · 01/03/2024 22:59

There's another thread running about the final straw (glass beside the sink) moments that led to them leaving/wanting to leave their partner. This might be yours

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