Page 5 | Partner unsupportive and not around for surgery

Firsttimemum0558 · 2024-03-01T21:33:58+00:00

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen. Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery. For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!! Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

Thursdaygirl · 14/10/2024 21:36

An arrangement to care for your child should be something fixed. It should provide certainty to the other parent. It should be reliable. And it should be reliable in all but the most extraordinary of circumstances.

A totally inflexiblle schedule is ridiculous - real life doesn’t work that way.

Namerequired · 14/10/2024 22:49

Firsttimemum0558 · 13/10/2024 21:20

Just to update everyone. My son has his 10th surgery tomorrow. He’s not even 14 months old yet. I have left his dad, living with my parents while I’m sorting my own housing, but he does now attend all the surgeries so that’s something of an improvement. He doesn’t have any custody/visitation rights of my son (he hasn’t asked for any) but I do allow him to see him for a few hours when I’m present, which he only wants to do when he has his eldest too.
thank you everyone who was supportive and FU to those who supported him choosing to remain with his eldest and making me and vulnerable baby stay elsewhere without even asking his ex (which was my biggest issue with it all, he refused to even ask!!!)

I’m actually glad to read this update. I’m sorry you were put in this position but I’m glad you walked away from it. Having had 2 sick babies who had to have an operation and were in and out of hospital a lot in their first year I feel your pain and vulnerability. Some of these responses are ridiculous. All our children lived with us, when one was in hospital then we got minders. I went over a week without seeing my other child/children because the one in hospital needed me most. He wouldn’t even drop you off/pick you up let alone be there? Or sort childcare when you were in labour. He’s disgusting.

Quitelikeit · 14/10/2024 22:53

Well done op. You did the right thing getting rid of him - he sounded like he really didn’t care for you at all

Lets hope he steps up with your lo now

Also sorry to hear your child has undergone so much surgery in such a short space of time

stichguru · 14/10/2024 22:58

I 100% can't call you the AH for this, but that IS his son. He has as much responsibility to look after the older child as he does the younger one. He has the responsibility to do what is best for everyone. Many, many people chose to have more than one child together and there is no magic third parent to send some of the children to while one has surgery. Often one parent does go to surgery with that child and the other looks after the others and they manage.

I get why you'd like him not to have his other child that day, but he has to do what is best for both children. Your son has you, if for some reason it's much easier for his other child to be with him, than his mother, that is what he should be doing.

BlushingBrightly · 14/10/2024 23:04

SMH at all the deadbeat dad apologists. Good that you’re out of that OP.

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2024 23:06

Well done OP! Best of luck to you and your little boy.

Wishitsnows · 14/10/2024 23:14

Well done op! He sounded like a complete cunt. I hope your baby is improving and the surgeries have helped. Stay strong, you are doing a great job for your son

downwindofyou · 14/10/2024 23:29

stichguru · 14/10/2024 22:58

I 100% can't call you the AH for this, but that IS his son. He has as much responsibility to look after the older child as he does the younger one. He has the responsibility to do what is best for everyone. Many, many people chose to have more than one child together and there is no magic third parent to send some of the children to while one has surgery. Often one parent does go to surgery with that child and the other looks after the others and they manage.

I get why you'd like him not to have his other child that day, but he has to do what is best for both children. Your son has you, if for some reason it's much easier for his other child to be with him, than his mother, that is what he should be doing.

He also had responsibility to be there for his partner when she was going through trauma of their childhood having surgery

But seeing that he didn't even support her properly when she was in labour it was obvious nothing was more important than his other dc ever. I wonder what it would have taken to prioritise someone else. Death maybe?

Anyway the OP has updated. She has left the useless bastard.

downwindofyou · 14/10/2024 23:30

DaisyChain505 · 13/10/2024 21:41

If all children in the situation were jointly yours and his and one of them was having this surgery I doubt very much he would be saying that he wasn’t coming to the hospital on surgery day because he was staying at home with the other child. They would be being looked after by someone else so he could be there to support the specific child who needed him that day. It should be no different just because this is his child from a previous relationship.

I don’t know how you could ever look at him the same way.

Exactly. And it would get normal to have someone look after dc 1 whilst OP was giving birth to dc2. But not for him apparently

DearestGentleReader · 15/10/2024 08:24

Workworkandmoreworknow · 13/10/2024 10:28

If our child needed surgery 1/2/3/4-10 times I can bet on my life her dad would arrange with the other child’s mum to not have him while tbis was going but to see him as soon as possible otherwise

What if, with the best will in the world, the ex says no? What then?

Flexibility isn't always possible. Exs have lives too. Shit going on. They may wish to help but can't get everything in place to actually help. Or they may not give a shit and say no for the fun of it. What then? An arrangement to care for your child should be something fixed. It should provide certainty to the other parent. It should be reliable. And it should be reliable in all but the most extraordinary of circumstances.

I'd be fascinated to know what qualifies as an "extraordinary circumstance"? They don't carry out multiple surgeries on tiny babies for the shits and giggles you know.

In any case, OPs biggest problem was that he didn't care enough to ask the question or explore any other childcare options. She and her baby were always on their own.
I'm so pleased for you, OP, that you will now be on your own minus the dead weight of this utter disgrace of a "father" letting you down over and over again.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 15/10/2024 18:22

DearestGentleReader · 15/10/2024 08:24

I'd be fascinated to know what qualifies as an "extraordinary circumstance"? They don't carry out multiple surgeries on tiny babies for the shits and giggles you know.

In any case, OPs biggest problem was that he didn't care enough to ask the question or explore any other childcare options. She and her baby were always on their own.
I'm so pleased for you, OP, that you will now be on your own minus the dead weight of this utter disgrace of a "father" letting you down over and over again.

Show quote history

I never said I agreed with the OP's partner on this one. I simply responded to another poster's post who suggested her partner would sort it with his ex. That isn't always possible. Co-parents should be reliable in all but the most serious of unknown circumstances. You should be able to rely on an ex to parent on whatever their designated time is. But you also need your own back up - you can't expect an ex to be there every single time there's an issue in your life.

I don't disagree that the OP's circumstances are awful and that the OP needed support. Her DP should have asked his ex, absolutely.

beachcitygirl · 18/10/2024 03:39

My first LTB

Codlingmoths · 18/10/2024 03:44

You’ve made the right decision op, he was a total dead weight.

MeridianB · 18/10/2024 09:06

Well done, OP. Stay strong. You and your little boy WILL come back from this and grow a wonderful life together. 🌸

SeulementUneFois · 18/10/2024 09:10

Well done from leaving that prick OP, and all the best going forward!

Geranen · 26/10/2024 11:24

your baby. I hope things look up for you both with his health and housing. Poor lad is well shot of his "dad."

Naunet · 26/10/2024 16:32

NamingConundrum · 01/03/2024 21:51

I haven't seen earlier post but what would you do if the elder son was yours and with you full time?

I know you want to reduce risk of infection but if you have multiple kids you have multiple kids. He's being an absolute shit for lack of support and especially for requesting the car, but he's not wrong that he is also responsible for his older son.

That's his time he's responsible for his sons care, any woman coming on here saying NRP dad has absconded responsibility for the oldest for the short time they get in favour of their half sibling with new partner would be told he's a shithead and needs to remember he has 2 kids. Even when stepmums come on here saying they want to not have their DHs child from earlier relationship after giving birth to recover and avoid infecting newborn get trashed because people have kids with siblings all the time.

Gently, you knew he had an older son, you're the one insisting on disappearing off to your mums to avoid your stepchild. He's not leaving you to cope alone, you're refusing to go home. If you went home with baby presumably DH would have to help you care for baby in addition to his son just like you would if you had 2 kids.

He's still being a shit for requesting car though.

Edited

Gently, you knew he had an older son

Well ‘gently’ so the fuck did he, but he still decided to have another and now thinks he can absolve himself of caring for the youngest? Do mothers get to do that too, have a baby and then neglect it in favour of their older children?

And as for your little switching up of the situation to make it seem reasonable, what if OP wasn’t around, how would he care for his TWO children then? He’d have to find a way, wouldn’t he? Or would that be unfair to his eldest for some warped reason?

harryclr · 26/10/2024 22:14

NamingConundrum · 01/03/2024 21:51

I haven't seen earlier post but what would you do if the elder son was yours and with you full time?

I know you want to reduce risk of infection but if you have multiple kids you have multiple kids. He's being an absolute shit for lack of support and especially for requesting the car, but he's not wrong that he is also responsible for his older son.

That's his time he's responsible for his sons care, any woman coming on here saying NRP dad has absconded responsibility for the oldest for the short time they get in favour of their half sibling with new partner would be told he's a shithead and needs to remember he has 2 kids. Even when stepmums come on here saying they want to not have their DHs child from earlier relationship after giving birth to recover and avoid infecting newborn get trashed because people have kids with siblings all the time.

Gently, you knew he had an older son, you're the one insisting on disappearing off to your mums to avoid your stepchild. He's not leaving you to cope alone, you're refusing to go home. If you went home with baby presumably DH would have to help you care for baby in addition to his son just like you would if you had 2 kids.

He's still being a shit for requesting car though.

Edited

But SS is not her son. Its not unreasonable at all to expect him to not have SS for a day or 2. His baby is in surgery for the 3rd time...thats mental. I'd question the relationship for sure

CovertPiggery · 27/10/2024 18:32

Firsttimemum0558 · 13/10/2024 21:20

Just to update everyone. My son has his 10th surgery tomorrow. He’s not even 14 months old yet. I have left his dad, living with my parents while I’m sorting my own housing, but he does now attend all the surgeries so that’s something of an improvement. He doesn’t have any custody/visitation rights of my son (he hasn’t asked for any) but I do allow him to see him for a few hours when I’m present, which he only wants to do when he has his eldest too.
thank you everyone who was supportive and FU to those who supported him choosing to remain with his eldest and making me and vulnerable baby stay elsewhere without even asking his ex (which was my biggest issue with it all, he refused to even ask!!!)

I'm so pleased to hear you've gotten away from him OP.

What a useless excuse for a 'partner'.

I hope your son is doing ok.

beachcitygirl · 31/10/2024 04:01

Well done Op. and every bit of love to you and your child.
I always say in step parenting - it's not one rule all the time .
They're are "wants" & "needs" & needs should always trump wants .

Your ex is an arse. I wish you every happiness