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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner unsupportive and not around for surgery

120 replies

Firsttimemum0558 · 01/03/2024 21:33

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen.
Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery.
For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!!
Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/03/2024 13:40

Don't let him have your car.

Infact I'd stop doing anything for him from today. No cooking, no cleaning his stuff, no washing his stuff, no giving him your car, no watching his child while he pops out etc.

Then I'd plan your divorce. Clearly a very selfish man, can see why his ex didn't stick around for long!

NamingConundrum · 03/03/2024 14:35

NewNameNigel · 03/03/2024 12:45

The 11 days thing is a red herring. Surely it's not beyond the wit of posters to understand that it would be possible for the DH to be with his younger son in hospital and not miss his older son for the full 11 days. He could swap days rather than miss them and take his oldest out somewhere one evening etc.

It isn't. OP has said she doesn't want her step son around during the surgery or after while her baby recovers. When would he swap to that doesn't result in him spending a long time away from his own nursery aged child?

By sound of it they have his son 2 days a week. Of course her DH is happy to have his son extra when she asks. He gets so little time with him! If his mum asks them to have him an extra day even the day before they were supposed to have him then she saw him day before and would only be going 3 days without him. What OPs asking would involve him being away from his young child for 11 days. As a mum she should understand that is not a reasonable request, even though it is reasonably unreasonable as of course she wants her own child prioritised but she has another child in her household.
She should still leave him because he's a dickhead. But she is unreasonable in regards to step-parenting situation.

NewNameNigel · 03/03/2024 16:34

It isn't. OP has said she doesn't want her step son around during the surgery or after while her baby recovers. When would he swap to that doesn't result in him spending a long time away from his own nursery aged child?

Well, off the top of my head he could have the boy for extra days before the surgery. Then taken him out somewhere for the day a couple of days after. Then a couple of days after that.... It's really not that hard to come up with a scenario.

TryingToBeLogical · 03/03/2024 17:12

The car request is a test and an attempt to set a precedent. To see how much you will put up with. Don’t let him borrow it, no matter what. Even if he moans about it. If he does, tell him that since he won’t be there helping for the surgery, you sure as h*ll want to at least have your own car to make things easier. If he tries to guilt you, hold very firm and see if he starts to show you a bit more respect or not. That’s YOUR litmus test for him, too see whether he’s worth being given another chance.

ClutchingOurBananas · 03/03/2024 18:17

This is hill to die on stuff. It really is.

I absolutely agree.

If he can’t step up when his youngest child is extremely ill - a baby on its third surgery is clearly a serious issue - when would he step up?

Acting like a contact schedule is more important is ridiculous. Contact schedules can be varied and an ex who says no to ‘can I swap X weekend because my baby has surgery?’ without an extremely good reason is objectively just an arsehole.

Definitely tell him to fuck off over asking for your car. He knows where the bus stop is.

Allthingsdecember · 03/03/2024 18:29

It depends on the severity of the surgery, surely?

I have a three year old with some health needs that have required surgery (you have my sympathy, it's very stressful even when it's relatively routine!). But I also have a 1 year old who's just as important as his brother.

So far, we've only found childcare for one medical appointment (not surgery, just an important appointment to discuss future care. Even then, if my mum hadn't been available, one of us would have just stayed home with the baby).

If the surgery is particularly risky, I'd expect both parents to go. Otherwise, it's completely normal for one parent to stay home with other children.

Honestly, for me not to see my other child for 11 days, it would need to be a life or death situation. Would you stay away from your child for that long?

Original poster
Firsttimemum0558 · 03/03/2024 18:34

Allthingsdecember · 03/03/2024 18:29

It depends on the severity of the surgery, surely?

I have a three year old with some health needs that have required surgery (you have my sympathy, it's very stressful even when it's relatively routine!). But I also have a 1 year old who's just as important as his brother.

So far, we've only found childcare for one medical appointment (not surgery, just an important appointment to discuss future care. Even then, if my mum hadn't been available, one of us would have just stayed home with the baby).

If the surgery is particularly risky, I'd expect both parents to go. Otherwise, it's completely normal for one parent to stay home with other children.

Honestly, for me not to see my other child for 11 days, it would need to be a life or death situation. Would you stay away from your child for that long?

I haven’t said he can’t go to see his eldest, or even have him here for a few extra days before the surgery takes place! If you’ve read my previous post then you’ll know he very much favours his eldest and pushes both me and baby aside, so baby is very much due his sole attention after his third surgery in such a short space of time.
He also has no problem with working 7 days a week later in the year, meaning he won’t see his son at all, he is purely prioritising his eldest over our baby, as he always does, and I believe also holding it over me as he knows I want his support and he feels powerful withholding it from me and refusing to step up and be a parent. I’ve had to become a step mum, yet he can’t be a dad to one of his own children.

OP posts:
ClutchingOurBananas · 03/03/2024 18:58

It’s pretty clear that he’s a dreadful partner and a useless father (to both children because using the eldest as a weapon is not good parenting).

Are you on maternity leave? What is your housing situation?

Once the surgery is over, can you make plans to leave? Could you and the baby go home to your parents and never return?

TwylaSands · 03/03/2024 23:25

Firsttimemum0558 · 03/03/2024 18:34

I haven’t said he can’t go to see his eldest, or even have him here for a few extra days before the surgery takes place! If you’ve read my previous post then you’ll know he very much favours his eldest and pushes both me and baby aside, so baby is very much due his sole attention after his third surgery in such a short space of time.
He also has no problem with working 7 days a week later in the year, meaning he won’t see his son at all, he is purely prioritising his eldest over our baby, as he always does, and I believe also holding it over me as he knows I want his support and he feels powerful withholding it from me and refusing to step up and be a parent. I’ve had to become a step mum, yet he can’t be a dad to one of his own children.

Show quote history

And be wont. He doesn't cars about you or your child. He barely cares about the child you consider to be his favourite. He is selfish.

have you thought about where your line in the sand is? If he does take the car that day? If he doesnt parent his child adequately? Of he makes another choice that disadvantages you? Is there anything this man can do to you that will make you decide enough?

TryingToBeLogical · 04/03/2024 14:08

>>and I believe also holding it over me as he knows I want his support and he feels powerful withholding it from me

I think this is your cue to leave. You will never get what you are looking for from this person, and possibly your child won’t either. It’s a hard thing to admit but please try to move on with your life. It’s not a failure of yours that he is making you feel this way. Also, please go to individual therapy. People who are treated poorly often can’t see it because they have not experienced better or have been gaslighted to not see it. Please go.

MeridianB · 04/03/2024 18:04

He sounds appalling. It’s not just opting out of being a husband and father to your baby - he’s actively making it harder by wanting the car without dropping and collecting you, and refusing to even ask for a swap.

I’d keep the car, tell your DH to spend the weekend with his SS at his parents/sisters/friends/B&B and go home with your baby after the surgery. Then I’d start planning my exit route. Because another 15-20 years of this crap is just unconscionable. 🌺

doglover92 · 05/03/2024 05:45

Ignore any of these people saying you’re being unreasonable I’m actually shocked. If my husband didn’t come with me as some form of my support and my baby needed surgery I’d be leaving. If my DSS was supposed to be with us my husband would have to ask his mum to swap or my mum would have him - just like she would if it was my own older child. What absolute nonsense are some of these comments saying your DSS feels pushed out - you’re going to a hospital not to bloody Disneyland it’s madness! Hope your baby is okay ❤️

Newestname002 · 05/03/2024 09:02

@Firsttimemum0558

He has said he won’t be dropping us off or picking us up as he’ll use it to collect and drop off his eldest at those times.

OP your "partner" sounds more and more of a disgrace with every update you make. Nothing about you or your shared child or what you're going through resonates for him and, instead of giving you support or care just wants to look after himself and leave you to manage whichever way you can. That he'd refuse to either take you to the hospital or pick you up is just one illustration of that.

I really think, together with other posters, that you need to reflect on what sort of future you want and act accordingly. In the meantime your absolute focus should be on you and your baby and let him manage for himself and his older child as he can. Take legal advice as well, as soon as possible, to help map out your future.

Plan to stay at your mum's after the operation and for a while afterwards and, if she's unaware of your circumstances, do share with her that you have her support and understanding too.

My best wishes to you and your child for the future. 🌹

ClutchingOurBananas · 05/03/2024 09:09

Imagine not picking your partner and baby up from the hospital after an operation. Indeed, insisting on borrowing her car for what you think matters more so that she can’t even drive herself.

This man is clearly communicating his contempt for the OP. He wants to make things as hard for her as possible.

crumblingschools · 05/03/2024 09:20

How old is your stepson? I do feel sorry for him, he seems to have gained various step/half siblings.

SheerLucks · 05/03/2024 23:57

GrazingSheep · 01/03/2024 21:36

I think you know you’re doing this alone.
Hope all goes well with the surgery.
When your baby has recovered you need to consider whether you want to stay with this man.

I'm so sorry but this!

iseeisee1 · 10/03/2024 16:36

Please leave this man . My ex was like this ( he is like this ). He favours his first two hugely . You and your child deserve better my Love .

iseeisee1 · 10/03/2024 16:39

Also the step parenting bashers are prob about for this thread , don’t listen . Please make plans to leave .

Simone91 · 13/10/2024 00:57

Firsttimemum0558 · 01/03/2024 21:33

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen.
Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery.
For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!!
Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

Leave this POS! You and your baby deserve better! Clearly he's taking the easy way out. Yes, he has two kids but he's an asshole for not trying to work something out so he can support everyone. That sounded like a lot reading it back but is it really?! IYKYK

Thursdaygirl · 13/10/2024 09:00

Leave this POS! You and your baby deserve better! Clearly he's taking the easy way out. Yes, he has two kids but he's an asshole for not trying to work something out so he can support everyone.

Another case where the visiting schedule seems to take precedence over everything else, even in a health emergency. Yes, he has older children, but could the arrangements not be tweaked on this occasion, could be have them on different days (rather than have them less)?

Workworkandmoreworknow · 13/10/2024 10:28

If our child needed surgery 1/2/3/4-10 times I can bet on my life her dad would arrange with the other child’s mum to not have him while tbis was going but to see him as soon as possible otherwise

What if, with the best will in the world, the ex says no? What then?

Flexibility isn't always possible. Exs have lives too. Shit going on. They may wish to help but can't get everything in place to actually help. Or they may not give a shit and say no for the fun of it. What then? An arrangement to care for your child should be something fixed. It should provide certainty to the other parent. It should be reliable. And it should be reliable in all but the most extraordinary of circumstances.

Original poster
Firsttimemum0558 · 13/10/2024 21:20

Just to update everyone. My son has his 10th surgery tomorrow. He’s not even 14 months old yet. I have left his dad, living with my parents while I’m sorting my own housing, but he does now attend all the surgeries so that’s something of an improvement. He doesn’t have any custody/visitation rights of my son (he hasn’t asked for any) but I do allow him to see him for a few hours when I’m present, which he only wants to do when he has his eldest too.
thank you everyone who was supportive and FU to those who supported him choosing to remain with his eldest and making me and vulnerable baby stay elsewhere without even asking his ex (which was my biggest issue with it all, he refused to even ask!!!)

OP posts:
CarrotOfPeace · 13/10/2024 21:24

Best of luck

DaisyChain505 · 13/10/2024 21:41

If all children in the situation were jointly yours and his and one of them was having this surgery I doubt very much he would be saying that he wasn’t coming to the hospital on surgery day because he was staying at home with the other child. They would be being looked after by someone else so he could be there to support the specific child who needed him that day. It should be no different just because this is his child from a previous relationship.

I don’t know how you could ever look at him the same way.

lizzyBennet08 · 14/10/2024 21:28

Honestly op. He sounds beyond redemption. You and your baby deserve so much better. Glad you've gotten away from that situation which was never going to improve .