Partner unsupportive and not around for surgery

[Firsttimemum0558]

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen.
Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery.
For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!!
Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

When my baby had surgery, my DH stayed home with other children. The baby also went home to a house with older children present. It's just how it when when there are other children in the family.

Yes, your DH should be supportive but I think you should work the child in here. They are part of the family. If the older child was sick then maybe you could ask for him to stay with his mother for that time.

I actually don't think the car thing is necessarily that unreasonable. Hospital parking is a nightmare and will you really want to drive back with your poorly baby anyway? Either he could drop you off and pick you up or you could get a cab. That way you don't have to worry about parking, you can sit next to baby in the back of the car and he has the car to get around whilst you're not going to be driving it anyway.

His ex is under no obligation to take him or to allow a change of dates should he request it.

Comments like this make so grateful that DH's ex is a normal person. Imagine refusing to be flexible around a baby's operation!
Imagine coparenting with someone with this mentality!

He can’t be bothered to wait in the hospital while his child is having a 3rd surgery…. And the first 2 he didn’t bother to attend either but thinks it’s ok to ask for OPs car. It’s fucking cheeky to even suggest using the car!
Why should she get a bloody cab when she has a car so the useless asshole can use it.

His ex is under no obligation to take him or to allow a change of dates should he request it.

What an even bigger shit show life would be if we all only ever did what we were obligated to do, instead of acting with a little bit of flexibility and empathy once in a while.

Technically no one is actually obligated to look after their own child. Like you can literally abandon your child and no one could do anything about it or force you to look after them.

In my trust only one parent is allowed to go with child when they put them under, only one parent in recovery, only one parent allowed to stay. Would OP be happy if he did arrange to go for him to be the one that goes in with the baby and she sit alone in the waiting room while he does so? I'm going to bet not.

They could swap. 1 in, 1 out.

And even if only one could go in the waiting room…. He can still wait in the cafe at the hospital.

0 chance if either of our kids went in for surgery that we both wouldn’t stay at the hospital.

DH's ex was able to go and see her brother after a serious car accident when his life was in real danger when DH was working away because I went to her house and stayed with the DSCs, then 5 and 7. I guess I should have refused as it wasn't our time and theyre not my kids no obligation.

You're clutching at straws now 😂

Why is this not appropriate? DH drops them off at hospital. OP takes baby down for operation (as only one is allowed to do so). After op, OP goes into recovery with baby (again her DH would not be allowed in), calls DH tells him how baby doing. DH can bring eldest to hospital for visiting time bringing OP some food etc, OP is allowed to stay the night so he goes home with son. When baby is discharged DH picks them up and brings them home.

I don't really understand why you wouldn't just go home, unless the procedure requires you all to quarantine in the time before or after the surgery, on child in and out the house isn't going to make much difference.

You literally have no idea about the rules on parents being in attendance in this particular hospital for this particular operation.

Considering she's told us he does nothing with or for the baby, I'd get why she'd be upset at that suggestion and why it wouldn't be in the baby's best interests

But that aside, what has your point got to do with him refusing to even try and support OP?

You are just making it up. You don’t have a clue if they allow 1 or 2 people in.

How many step children do you have @NamingConundrum@NamingConundrum?

Probably none. She’s the mum of DS1 in this scenario 😂

If he misses that contact date with his older child, how long would he have to go without seeing him? Is there some reason why the mum needs the childcare on those days or is the contact court ordered?

Honestly, I don’t think a man who refuses to let down his older children when he creates a second family is doing a terrible thing.

Honestly, I don’t think a man who refuses to let down his older children when he creates a second family is doing a terrible thing.

Even framing it as a let down is weird. Surely most people are flexible when co parenting? We often used to have DSDs when their mum wanted to go out or something. Was she letting the children down?

I would seriously think about leaving him, esp given your last thread.

Everyones telling you to consider the SC but the own father isnt considering BOTH HIS own children. ( i think some posters haven't seen the last thread)

It would be interesting to see if he bothers to co parent tbh.

I have used grandparents for my LO to stay with, so i do see it as reasonable with kids staying with others in these situations. From my perspective if the parents are looking after a seriously ill child, i like the other child to have support simultaneously and an adult they can turn to when shit hits the fan. As if anyone has grown up with a disabled sibling, you can feel neglected with the impacts growing up. Not many people have this support, in this case you have one better another parent, i mean the SC may be worried and anxious too. Obviously if it wasn't feasable you take in turns as you know your all a family, and usually a father wants to at least visit a sick child in hospital.

My LO has been in hospital a few times, we have both been able to stay, once this year and also last year. We had camp beds in a sideroom, so i guess it depends on the hospital and severity.

Even if he can't compromise, has he at least listened to how you feel? At least acknowledged you at all? I don't mind if at times i am unreasonable and need to see that (you aren't by the way) but i at least expect a partner to listen to how i feel whether right or wrong so i can feel able to be heard and gain perspectives or help to rationalise.

How old is the eldest, 3? DP barely has the best judgement having x 2 DC with x2 women so close in age…

Does he even normally look after either of them?

A relative of mine would have to stick to days otherwise mum would have to cancel sorely needed work.

BUT I wouldn’t want to face this alone if I were you and would be upset if my DH didn’t want to be there for his child.

How supportive is DP otherwise it is he one of those men with the potential to whinge about his own needs while waiting etc?

You might be finding out why his first relationship died tbh.

You must be commenting on someone elses post, as it doesnt make ANY sense.

to add:
we have had ss for extra days multiple times when his mother has asked us to, for reasons as minimal as her going out drinking! And when she went on a 2 week holiday right over my due date. And have never once complained, so there’s no reason to not ask her to return the favour. My partner is refusing to even ask her as he “knows she’d never help us out”
Also worth noting that both parents are allowed at our hospital, not just one of us.
ive been asked how long he’d have to wait to see him eldest again if he didn’t have him, it would be 5 days before we’re due to have him again, which I don’t think is a long time to wait, especially as it’s not just for the sake of it, it’s because of our 6 month old needing a surgery!

My problem is that the ss comes to us straight from nursery, he also lives in an another household, in which he has another half brother who goes to his dads, and 2 step brothers who live in a different house, and then also visit their mother. That’s a lot of germs being brought around my vulnerable child, by an older child who sticks his hands in his mouth then touches the baby even when asked to stop, and generally doesn’t listen to a word I say.

He has said he won’t be dropping us off or picking us up as he’ll use it to collect and drop off his eldest at those times.