Page 3 | Partner unsupportive and not around for surgery

Firsttimemum0558 · 2024-03-01T21:33:58+00:00

I have made a previous post about my partner favouring his child from his previous marriage which some of you may have seen. Our 6 month old is going in for his third surgery in just over a weeks time, and it happens to fall on the day my partner is meant to have his other son. For the last 2 surgeries, this also happened and he chose to stay at home with his eldest while I took baby to recover at my mums to lower the risk of infection from his older brother coming from another household and nursery. He also didn’t attend the first (and longest) surgery. For this surgery, I’ve asked if for the 2 days he’s meant to have his other son, he could ask the child’s mother to have him so he can support me and our baby through his recovery and he has refused. He says he won’t give up his time with his older son just because of our son’s surgery. He’s also once again not attending this operation. He has then also asked to have my car for those days!! Am I being unreasonable in asking for this support for not only my son who will be in pain and confused from yet another general anaesthetic, but also for me who will be alone trying to console a very upset baby?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/03/2024 09:27

OP I’m so sorry your husband is being so utter crap. You and your baby deserve so much more than his sloppy seconds. I 100% would not be wanting my step kids as an additional thing to worry about during this time, my husband would respect that and they would stay with their mum ( safe and cared for) so that we could focus where we needed to at that time ( baby)

I feel like he is so so desperate to still be a good dad that he’s totally overcompensating and instead making his first son his favourite. This isn’t going to end well for anyone and he needs to stop.

Right now though OP you do what YOU need to do for your baby and don’t you dare let any of the ‘he’s part of your family too, why are you so mean, poor step child’ utter bullshit camp make you feel bad for that.

OopsOutnumbered123 · 02/03/2024 09:28

Firsttimemum0558 · 02/03/2024 09:24

He has said he won’t be dropping us off or picking us up as he’ll use it to collect and drop off his eldest at those times.

Show quote history

Something’s really not right, it’s like he’s trying to make your life as hard as possible. I’m shocked at how cruel he is being to you both, you need to assess your relationship as a whole 💐

How is he the rest of the time?

Original poster

Firsttimemum0558 · 02/03/2024 09:31

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2024 22:56

Would you go to your mums still if the older child lived with you full time? If not then you see then ss as a visitor not a brother of your baby. If you would still go to your mums then yanbu.

I wonder if you might feel more comfortable asking if you can stay in the house with baby and all its stuff and your DH can take son to stay at his parents if they're local.

Unless your DH and his ex have a really good relationship it's unlikely you'll be able to get them to swap often so I can see why he's not asking.

We very regularly have him extra, but he never asks for her to return the favour. Even when I was in labour for 41 hours, he wouldn’t call the child’s mother to come and collect him so I continuously had toys shoved in my face and asked if I can play, while experiencing contractions! And when me and baby were in hospital for a week, he didn’t come to collect us as he stayed home with his eldest.

OP posts:

WoodBurningStov · 02/03/2024 09:34

Well for starters, I'd not be giving up my car for him. How is he expecting you to get to and from the hospital if he won't ferry you about? Public transport??

Tbh I think you now know how far you and your ds come down the pecking order, if he's not careful he'll end up being a part time dad to both children.

In your shoes op I'd go take the car and go and stay with your parents indefinitely and kick off divorce proceedings. This is the blueprint for the rest of your lives and your dh is putting you both way down his list of priorities.

CatStoleMyChocolate · 02/03/2024 09:42

This isn’t just about the children, is it? It’s his complete disregard for your feelings - your post about being in labour and having toys shaken in your face make that quite clear. I mean, regardless of how many parents are allowed in to care for your baby either side of his surgery, you might quite like someone to sit with you while baby is in theatre, especially if it’s a long operation.

And why the hell should you get a taxi to or from the hospital?! It would be much less stress to either drive yourself or be driven, without having to work out about car seat storage on a busy ward.

Do you think he’s in denial about your baby’s health/operations? Or on some level sees the baby as your responsibility rather than your mutual child/responsibility? (I don’t mean that to cause offence, it’s just that it seems his first DC is not only his priority, it sounds as though the two of you aren’t getting a look-in).

LiveLaughCryalot · 02/03/2024 10:27

He has said he won’t be dropping us off or picking us up as he’ll use it to collect and drop off his eldest at those times.

Once the surgery is done and your little baby has recovered, please get away from this man. I am open mouthed at his disregard for you and his youngest. HE DOESN'T CARE. Not one bit. How can you even look at him?

Shame on all of the posters excusing him. I'm not surprised though, sadly. I would go out of my way for any child to recover peacefully and with as low risk as possible of getting a post surgery infection. Christ I'd let a friend bring a baby to recover at my house if need be.

Do not let him have your car! Even if you have to leave it at your mums or hide the keys.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 02/03/2024 11:06

NewNameNigel · 01/03/2024 23:07

His ex is under no obligation to take him or to allow a change of dates should he request it.

Comments like this make so grateful that DH's ex is a normal person. Imagine refusing to be flexible around a baby's operation!
Imagine coparenting with someone with this mentality!

Yeah. But then imagine having your own household to run, for which you are fully responsible financially, your own kids who require you to take the odd day off and then your own health on top. No family support. Imagine also that you want to help our but your nursery has no space that day or no space in after school club. Imagine saying to your boss I can't come in today because my ex's baby is having an operation.

The problem with separated parenting is the assumption that the ex is available when you aren't. That isn't always the case. Your ex shouldn't be your default emergency childcare.

NewNameNigel · 02/03/2024 11:23

Workworkandmoreworknow · 02/03/2024 11:06

Yeah. But then imagine having your own household to run, for which you are fully responsible financially, your own kids who require you to take the odd day off and then your own health on top. No family support. Imagine also that you want to help our but your nursery has no space that day or no space in after school club. Imagine saying to your boss I can't come in today because my ex's baby is having an operation.

The problem with separated parenting is the assumption that the ex is available when you aren't. That isn't always the case. Your ex shouldn't be your default emergency childcare.

Show quote history

The scenario you describe isn't anything to do with an operation with a pre planned date. You are describing a scenario where it's last minute so the ex would be scrabbling around to make childcare arrangements. I'm talking about what the poster described - refusing to swap a weekend around a baby's planned operation for no other reason than its not an obligation to.

It's almost like you feel compelled to create stories to make separated mothers sound like victims.

And how would dh's ex looking after her own children be in anyway acting like my emergency childcare?

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 11:24

Leave him and don't let him have contact with your child. If he cant be arsed with your child now why should he get to be in his life if you splt

Workworkandmoreworknow · 02/03/2024 11:34

NewNameNigel · 02/03/2024 11:23

The scenario you describe isn't anything to do with an operation with a pre planned date. You are describing a scenario where it's last minute so the ex would be scrabbling around to make childcare arrangements. I'm talking about what the poster described - refusing to swap a weekend around a baby's planned operation for no other reason than its not an obligation to.

It's almost like you feel compelled to create stories to make separated mothers sound like victims.

And how would dh's ex looking after her own children be in anyway acting like my emergency childcare?

Show quote history

Preplanned? The last time my child had an operation we had less than 36 hours notice. I mean sure, we knew it was coming but the actual date was given at very short notice. And I still couldn't randomly expect a day off hecause my ex's child was having an operation. And nor could my childcare accommodate the situation.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 11:34

Workworkandmoreworknow · 02/03/2024 11:06

Yeah. But then imagine having your own household to run, for which you are fully responsible financially, your own kids who require you to take the odd day off and then your own health on top. No family support. Imagine also that you want to help our but your nursery has no space that day or no space in after school club. Imagine saying to your boss I can't come in today because my ex's baby is having an operation.

The problem with separated parenting is the assumption that the ex is available when you aren't. That isn't always the case. Your ex shouldn't be your default emergency childcare.

Show quote history

You wouldn't say that though or you'd be stupid. You'd say "I need to do some last minute childcare sorry"

forrestgreen · 02/03/2024 11:35

I think this would be the final nail in the coffin for me.
Hide the spare car key and take your car.

Can Dh and dss go anywhere else for his contact time? Whose house was/is it?

I'd look at this recovery time as a time to get your ducks in a row.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 02/03/2024 11:49

You wouldn't say that though or you'd be stupid. You'd say "I need to do some last minute childcare sorry

No. I can't have a day off because a child that is not my responsibility is unwell. And I don't lie to my employer - I have a disabled child who sometimes is unable to go to school so I need time off sometimes. There is goodwill but it shouldn't be abused.

The assumption that the ex can just pick up the slack when the other parent is unable is unreasonable. It's not always the case. Of course there should be flexibility and a generally supportive approach but it should never be assumed.

NewNameNigel · 02/03/2024 11:54

I think we're derailing a bit here. The ex isn't relevant because the ops husband didn't even ask her.

I like to think most people in that situation would have the humanity to do their swap so their ex could be with their wife and child at such a difficult time.

Bananasandtoast · 02/03/2024 11:54

This is hill to die on stuff. It really is.
When my DS was in intensive care, I was also sick and in another hospital, so DHs ex had to fend for herself as DH never left his sick child's side.
DS needed him more than DSD at that time and that was that. I'd expect exactly the same the other way around, if god forbid DSD was seriously ill.
If this clown can't work this out for himself I'd not want him around me or my baby to be honest. He wants to carry on as if he only has the one child? I'd make that happen for him.
I couldn't look at my DH if he took this attitude to our children.

BlueSkyBlueLife · 02/03/2024 13:12

This man is a shit dad and a shit partner.

YANBU to want him to be there for you and the baby.
Sometimes there are hard choices to do but it’s very clear from his actions that both you and his baby are at the bottom of the pile.
Id ensure that you put yourself and your baby first. Keep the car. Organise yourself agd support around you wo him. He simply isn’t going to be reliable anyway.

Is your baby likely to need more support in the coming months/years or do you think this is the last hurdle for them?
3 surgeries in 6 months is a lot fir anyone but for a 6 months old, that a hell of a lot to contend with.
But I’d start planning my exit. Because I doubt he is going to get better.

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 20:53

been asked how long he’d have to wait to see him eldest again if he didn’t have him, it would be 5 days before we’re due to have him again, which I don’t think is a long time to wait
but it would be the time before that as well, wouldnt it. How long would he be going without seeing his son in total?

but remember, the real issue is that your partner is an arsehole. An absolute selfish bellend who wants to make your life as difficult as possible.

his child is at nursery? How old was his child when you started seeing him?

have you told him he is not having your car?

Pennyforyour · 02/03/2024 22:21

Seriously… leave this dickhead.

Original poster

Firsttimemum0558 · 03/03/2024 10:01

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 20:53

been asked how long he’d have to wait to see him eldest again if he didn’t have him, it would be 5 days before we’re due to have him again, which I don’t think is a long time to wait
but it would be the time before that as well, wouldnt it. How long would he be going without seeing his son in total?

but remember, the real issue is that your partner is an arsehole. An absolute selfish bellend who wants to make your life as difficult as possible.

his child is at nursery? How old was his child when you started seeing him?

have you told him he is not having your car?

He would have to go 11 days overall without seeing him

OP posts:

NamingConundrum · 03/03/2024 10:56

Look, he is being an absolute dickhead about the car. However, would you be happy about not seeing your child for 11 days when they're only nursery age? Would you hand your child over to a family member and go on an 11 day holiday? He is an absolute twat with his attitude from your update. By all means leave him for that alone. Very much deserves it. But him wanting to have his DS is not the problem, you are being unreasonable in that respect.

CwmYoy · 03/03/2024 10:59

Please don't let him have your car. And begin to plan your exit. This is not a marriage - he's a user.

NamingConundrum · 03/03/2024 11:00

Bananasandtoast · 02/03/2024 11:54

This is hill to die on stuff. It really is.
When my DS was in intensive care, I was also sick and in another hospital, so DHs ex had to fend for herself as DH never left his sick child's side.
DS needed him more than DSD at that time and that was that. I'd expect exactly the same the other way around, if god forbid DSD was seriously ill.
If this clown can't work this out for himself I'd not want him around me or my baby to be honest. He wants to carry on as if he only has the one child? I'd make that happen for him.
I couldn't look at my DH if he took this attitude to our children.

This is an entirely different situation. You were sick in another hospital. The child needed a parent there so it had to be your DH. In this situation OP can be the parent not leaving the sick childs side. OP is unreasonable wanting her DH to go almost 2 weeks without seeing his nursery aged child. However, his attitude is god awful and that's what he deserves to be kicked to the kerb over.

NewNameNigel · 03/03/2024 12:45

The 11 days thing is a red herring. Surely it's not beyond the wit of posters to understand that it would be possible for the DH to be with his younger son in hospital and not miss his older son for the full 11 days. He could swap days rather than miss them and take his oldest out somewhere one evening etc.

TwylaSands · 03/03/2024 13:25

NewNameNigel · 03/03/2024 12:45

The 11 days thing is a red herring. Surely it's not beyond the wit of posters to understand that it would be possible for the DH to be with his younger son in hospital and not miss his older son for the full 11 days. He could swap days rather than miss them and take his oldest out somewhere one evening etc.

He could. But this is not a man who will do anything for anyone other than himself. In fact he actively chooses to make life more difficult for the mothers of his children.

Bananasandtoast · 03/03/2024 13:36

NamingConundrum · 03/03/2024 11:00

This is an entirely different situation. You were sick in another hospital. The child needed a parent there so it had to be your DH. In this situation OP can be the parent not leaving the sick childs side. OP is unreasonable wanting her DH to go almost 2 weeks without seeing his nursery aged child. However, his attitude is god awful and that's what he deserves to be kicked to the kerb over.

Show quote history

OP should not have to be the only parent there though. On paper, she's not a lone parent!
In our situation, I was out of the equation, I had no choice. It was really tough on DH to be on his own, what was happening to DS was frightening, there was a lot of new information to learn about the condition he was diagnosed with etc etc. there was no tagging in to get a proper meal or a sleep or anything.
This idiot has a choice and he continues to choose his eldest over his sick baby.