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Step-parenting

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Original poster

HELP! Brothers wedding and Girlfriends children!

64 replies

jenglish · 22/02/2024 16:05

I have been with my partner for around 3 years now and she has 2 children from a previous relationship. We do not live together and I see them 2-3 nights a week at most. I have a good relationship with them. I also have a child of my own.

My brother has invited GF, Son and I to his wedding in Thailand for 7 days in september. he is renting a villa for my parents and our other 2 siblings and their partners and kids. He is paying for everything including the flights.

So I have told my girlfriend, she wants to go but her ex is a very unreasonable man. most likely he will say no to having their kids for the time. So I said that he has been given enough notice for him to arrange something. As she knows that he will say no, she has come back with "oh you just got with your son". my response was that her kids have a dad and that he should have them. The conversation ended with her saying that "we come as a package" referring that she would like her kids to come if the ex does not have them. My point is that first of all, we are not married. My brother has never seen them/interacted with them. they have not been to any family events bar my sons birthday around a year ago. the total per person for the whole trip is costing around 11k per person. money isnt the issue here, my brother is wealthy and if he wouldnt cover it, I would happily pay, my only issue is if my brother says no to them coming, and my partner then has an issue with that then it would be detrimental to our relationship. I am very close to my my parents and siblings. What do I do?

OP posts:

pictoosh · 23/02/2024 22:35

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/02/2024 16:58

. So I said that he has been given enough notice for him to arrange something. As she knows that he will say no, she has come back with "oh you just got with your son". my response was that her kids have a dad and that he should have them

What was the point in pushing that?

She told you just to go with your son.

It doesn’t matter what her ex should do, she’s being realistic about what he will or won’t do. You badgering about what he should do is simply going to make her feel defensive as what’s she supposed to do about it?

In your shoes I’d apologise for pushing her and go with your son.

Agree with this.
She can't force her ex and you can't force her to try. Stop creating. Just go with your son.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/02/2024 22:43

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2024 16:45

There is no dilemma here.
your girlfriend can’t travel with the children which is good because it seems they aren’t invited, so no conflict there.

Your girlfriend can’t magic up childcare for a week and travel with you. You are an adult and can attend a wedding by yourself. So no conflict there.

The only issue is that you are trying to dictate the relationship between your girlfriend and the father of her children.

This. She can't get childcare, so she is saying she will stay behind. You get no further input into it tbh. You don't live together, and you can't force the father to do anything.

What solution are you hoping to be suggested?

Blibbleflibble · 23/02/2024 22:59

Not sure exactly what you expect her to do, she hasn't got childcare through no fault of her own so stop making it so bloody difficult for her and giving her shit about her ex. She's probably absolutley gutted not to be able to attend. :/

And yes she does come as a package she can't put her kids in a fucking kennels for a week. 😅

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2024 23:04

You are the one making this such a drama. Your girlfriend and her kids shouldn't be going to this event anyway, even if they could go. It's not the time for a first meeting.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 23/02/2024 23:17

Lifeisapeach · 23/02/2024 22:31

Sorry but you sound like you’re used to getting your own way. Stop pushing her…. She’s in an impossible situation. She probably already feels shitty that her kids aren’t invited but you continue to push her to force something that’s not going to happen. Leave it be.

Also if her ex isn't reliable she's probably not comfortable leaving then with him anyway and going on holiday, especially to another country. Also probably reconsider if you should be in a relationship with someone with children as it will only get harder from here

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/02/2024 00:49

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2024 16:45

There is no dilemma here.
your girlfriend can’t travel with the children which is good because it seems they aren’t invited, so no conflict there.

Your girlfriend can’t magic up childcare for a week and travel with you. You are an adult and can attend a wedding by yourself. So no conflict there.

The only issue is that you are trying to dictate the relationship between your girlfriend and the father of her children.

A few people have quoted this post and I just want to add that I agree with them.

Your girlfriend has as much right to her feelings as do you. So, she’s understandably annoyed or disappointed that she can’t go (what a wonderful opportunity to have a paid for holiday offered to you. Who wouldn’t be disappointed at not being able to go).

And it’s understandable that you are annoyed and disappointed that she can’t go with you.

But it is not up to you to try and prevent her honest feelings.

So, you can’t fix it but you are more than welcome to come on Mumsnet and have a little rant about her selfish, prick of an ex. And you are right. With enough notice he should step up and look after his kids for a week. But, he is not going to. Your girlfriend on the other hand sounds like a wonderful parent.

ittakes2 · 24/02/2024 08:19

We have a similar scenario - I live on the other side of the world to my family and childhood friends and we are also thinking of having a destination wedding in a different country that we would contribute significantly to.
I decided I was not going to invite partners or step children I have never met. I am usually the person who believes step children are on the same level as biological children but if I have never met them in all my visits home than I don't consider their related family considers me meeting them that important - plus I am very concerned about the changes to dynamic complete strangers might have on our intimate ceremony.
I would feel differently if the wedding was in my home town - its the destination wedding idea where you have a small group on holiday together rather than a large group for an afternoon/evening that changes my decision.
Do what others have said and go with your son and if your girlfriend can go last minute - great - her last minute addition would only be an airfare as I am guessing she can share a room with you and your son.

GKD · 24/02/2024 09:09

jenglish · 22/02/2024 16:38

my point is that yes, I would. But they have no relationship with my brother and it is an intimate event, only immediate family and his best friend have been invitied. its also on the other side of the world - not 30 miles down the road. GF is definitely annoyed about not being able to go. Also, they do have a father, who should co-operate and step up to have the kids for the 7 days. Lastly, he wouldn't agree for them to go anyway! The reason I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place is that I do not want my GF to be annoyed and at the same time I dont want to upset my family.

Does your brother have a relationship with your DP?

Is she classed as immediate family?

Moveoverdarlin · 24/02/2024 09:19

I can see why you’re in a tricky situation, but I would just gently leave it now. Even if you paid for her kids yourself the rest of your family might be a bit miffed, as they were never invited regardless who paid for them. Just use it as an opportunity to have a lovely week with your family, sometimes you can’t fix everything. If I was your GF, when it came to it, I’d be worried sick flying to Thailand and leaving my 2 DC with their knob of a father for a week, so it might be for the best she stays at home. No doubt she’ll have waves of ‘pissyness’ about not being able to go on a free 11k holiday between now and when you go, but I’d maybe just play it down and accept she can’t go.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 24/02/2024 12:09

Also, they do have a father, who should co-operate and step up to have the kids for the 7 days

You can’t force him to be helpful. He doesn’t have to ‘co-operate’ with his ex and even if he’s willing the dates may not suit him and/or his set up in life may not allow him to manage the children for longer periods. I hate the assumption that because you need childcare, the ex should provide it on demand, no questions asked.

And I say that as a PWC who’s ex is very much less than co-operative.

AbigTurtlesTail · 24/02/2024 19:42

I mean you're correct that the children have a father and its plenty of time and he should have them etc etc but in reality what can she do? If her ex says no she can't literally force him to have them.

So the solution is you go with your son.

And yes I think it's fine for your brother not to want to or even have considered paying for two random kids he doesn't know.

AbigTurtlesTail · 24/02/2024 19:46

Lightnose · 22/02/2024 17:52

OP has said he'll (?) pay if needed, so it's not about forcing brother to pay, just about whether the DC might be invited.

I think that's worth asking.

I disagree tbh. If he wanted to invite them he'd have invited them. I wouldn't put pressure on someone by "just asking" to bring along two strangers to their small intimate wedding when they hadn't extended the invite in the first place. I assume your brother knows these children exist? Therefore if they were invited they'd have been invited.

Naunet · 27/02/2024 10:02

What do you want her to do OP? Because it sounds like you want her to force their father to have them, so can you explain exactly how she’s meant to do that?

stichguru · 27/02/2024 16:50

Where's the dilemma?

your sister hasn't got her heart set on your girlfriend going
your girlfriend has TOLD you to go with your son, so it is very unlikely she will be mad at you for going without her
your son is presumably ok without your girlfriend going

There is NO problem and NO dilemma. Unless, of course your girlfriend is staying she won't be hurt when she will be, in which case split up with her then go, because you don't need a lying drama queen in your life.

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