This is just fairly standard in "blended families" isn't it?

[Kober345]

Step parents, even when not unhappy, still not really enjoying the time DSC are at their home and feeling a bit on edge / find it easier to relax and be more normal when they aren't there?

I find that even though there isn't anything really wrong about our set up, I still just find DSC staying something to get through until I can have my "normal" home back I.e. when they are with their mum.

I'm kind and we do have a good relationship. To be honest if anything they tend to get everything they want a little too much but whatever, they are happy anyway or seem it. But there's always been a feeling underneath of the house just not feeling right or like my home until they are gone.

(We do share DC as well).

Is this a fairly standard feeling do you think?

Oh and there is also the age old case of DH not really wanting to hear anything critical of DSC so often feels like you're on egg shells unable to say if there is a mess or piss on the toilet seat or whatever.

He over compensates sometimes imo so it just makes life feel quite fake when they are there. He's already openly admitted he's stricter with our DC because they have their parents together and couldn't see why this wasn't really OK. It just all feels like a bit of an act we have to put on every time.

I have a good relationship with dsc but always feel slightly on edge when they are here.
They are used to different rules and it can annoy me, little things like being allowed to walk into parents bedroom without knocking We've only lived together about 6 months so they are adjusting to another adult in dads house.
I enjoy seeing them but can only fully relax at home when they are with mum.

Yes it’s absolutely the different rules and later bedtime etc that keep me on edge. Everyone is more relaxed here with SDC are not here. Thats just life I think. I’m not going to overthink it or be false etc.

Yeah it just feels like normal life resumes again once they leave. Back to normality without some fake fanfare. I could laugh it off more if it were every other weekend. But this is half the week.

Its a shame, as its not the dsc. Its their parents making it awkward. (The different rules, inequality)

If you could just treat them the same, do exactly the same normal stuff they would actually probably feel more included even if it was stricter as there is no difference between children :(

I think even getting "more stuff/lax rules" it doesn't necessarily make them feel better about the situation..it makes them stand out more :( feel more singled out.

But as a SM you can't do anything about it without starting conflict between adults.

But as a SM you can't do anything about it without starting conflict between adults

And so you end up in a position of basically spending their time at your home just waiting for them to go again and tolerating it in the meantime.

There will be the haters who demand that the entire universe revolves around the step kids.

they are no more important than anyone else and I hate all the fake effort people put in.

I feel really sorry for step kids who have fifty fifty. If they have step parents at both homes they end up not really having a home that is theirs.

Yep you've summed up my feelings perfectly to be honest. 3 days a week I walk on eggshells in my own house and try to stay out of the way as SS won't even have conversation with his dad if I'm in the room and there's just this awkward silence. Then I breathe again when he's gone home.

For me the every other weekend when dsc are here is a bit like having family visiting. It’s all nice and fun to get together, DH makes extra effort, we have family dinners etc… but it’s really nice to just get back to our normal once they’ve gone back to mum’s.

This was me, and it's shit.

Blended families also get even more complicated as adults I'm finding now

I am pretty comfortable with mine and we get on but I would be lying if I said I never breathed a sigh of relief when they go. It's just easier not to have to cater to fussy children's food tastes and watch what you want on the TV etc.

Loads of parents talk about how they love their child-free times and no one judges them for it. This is just another example of something where step mothers are held to a higher standard than actually mothers.

@NewNameNigel most mothers do not breathe a sign of relief when their children are not there, or feel there children are intruding in their home by being there. So no you are not being held to higher standards.
Enjoying a night out with friends that is child free is very different from what you describe.

@AgentPeña I am sorry to hear that, it must have been tough.

I think it is and it isn’t. I’ve got three step children. The oldest two are grown now but when they were teens it was very tense and I did breathe a sigh of relief when they went ( I regret it being probably crap for them at the time). The youngest one I’ve known since he was tiny so don’t feel that way at all and look forward to him coming as he mediates between his half siblings who bicker constantly. They both prefer him to each other and are far happier when he’s here

I feel lucky that I am the opposite. I miss SS when he goes back home after staying for the weekend. He is an adult now and I find having him around makes my life easier and I am more relaxed when he is here. My DC are younger and adore him.

I felt like that to a certain extent for several years (especially about the state of the toilet…), but as DSS has grown up and is late teens it now feels easy. It’s lovely to see him, and if he’s not here when he usually is it doesn’t feel quite right. However, he’s turned into a thoughtful, chilled kind of chap like his dad, so I guess I’m very lucky.

Mine are grown up now but I really recognise this. I think it's normal; if you can tough it out then they will grow up eventually and you will get your time back and see them on a more casual basis as they get to be older and come and go on a more ad hoc basis.

Hang in there

Actually they are more important. Adults make choices, children don’t have that luxury so it is incumbent on the adults in their lives to make the situation as positive as possible. Your step children will be picking up on this feeling and it’s absolutely not fair on them. It’s not easy but you shouldn’t live with their father if this is the way you feel.

Ok cool: thank you 🤣

It's really not healthy to raise children to believe that they are more important than others. They grow into obnoxious entitled adults who struggle in the real world when others don't treat them like royalty. Good parenting is teaching children to get along with others not teaching them to expect to be put before everyone else.

The way I see it is that the children (especially step as they are moved about) are the only ones that have no choice in the situation and deserve extra support and attention.

Their parent didn't need to get remarried.
Their step parent didn't need to get married/move in.

I am a step parent and it is hard but suck it up as it's not DSSs fault. The adults in his life chose to do what we do.

I've seen many mothers post on social media about how happy they are that kids are at their dads / staying elsewhere and they are given support and told to enjoy the break. Imagine the reaction if a step mum posted the same.

Perhaps you can explain why it's different for parents step parents to enjoy free time and somehow not a double standard....

Also, to be clear I did not and would never post that my step children are intruding when they are here.

It's really not healthy to raise children to believe that they are more important than others. They grow into obnoxious entitled adults who struggle in the real world when others don't treat them like royalty.

I have watched this happen… you are 100% correct. The world seems like a very confusing place for young adults who’ve been told they’re more important than everyone else all their lives. They’re unable to cope with life.

Extra support and attention when needed does not equal acting as if the world revolves around step children. One is good parenting and helps children feel safe, the other is poor parenting that doesn't prepare children for adulthood.