This is just fairly standard in "blended families" isn't it?

[Kober345]

Step parents, even when not unhappy, still not really enjoying the time DSC are at their home and feeling a bit on edge / find it easier to relax and be more normal when they aren't there?

I find that even though there isn't anything really wrong about our set up, I still just find DSC staying something to get through until I can have my "normal" home back I.e. when they are with their mum.

I'm kind and we do have a good relationship. To be honest if anything they tend to get everything they want a little too much but whatever, they are happy anyway or seem it. But there's always been a feeling underneath of the house just not feeling right or like my home until they are gone.

(We do share DC as well).

Is this a fairly standard feeling do you think?

blended family here. Our daughter (mine but adopted by husband) is now 35, the sons are 34 and 30. My husband had full custody of the boys so when we moved in , it was full awareness that we were all under one roof! it was...um...interesting for the first year or two till we found our feet. kids were 14, 13 and 8 almost 9. They are so brothers and sister it is unreal. Our daughter and her family and our eldest son and his family , vacation together, have trailers on side by side campsites, have dinners at least bi weekly. If I said it was easy I would be lying. I took a good couple of years to consider them my children, but we got there. Youngest is a bit of a loner so now as an adult doesn't seek out alot of time with his siblings , but has a good though distant relationship. The other two are thicker than thieves and I love it. I NOW consider them all my children (they call me mum) but dear god the first year or two was hell. I just wanted my own space lol. Now I beg them to come (live in a different country to them now)

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott so you helped raise DHs DC for 9 years but he did nothing to help raise your DCs until you all moved in together?

You're so clearly clutching at straws here.

3.5 years is not a short time, especially to a child. And why are conflating moving in together with a meaningful relationship. They are not at all the same thing.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh what is wrong with you???

I never said I helped raise them, but I have had a meaningful relationship with them for 9 years. As my DH has had with my kids.

But we did not live together until 3.5 years ago and our finances were entirely separate.

Yes I raised my children as single parent for 11.5 years and have been completely financially responsible for them.

And until a few years ago (5 years if you need an exact timeline) I had little disposable income, then when I changed career I began earning better over the last few years so now have some money to be able to do some nice things with my kids.

I’m not going to reply to you anymore as it’s clear you’re just trolling and seeking out a reaction. I’m not sure what your motive is but you’re being unpleasant.

@Kober345 @NewNameNigel thanks for the support

@Kober345
Unfortunately the dads turn in to Disney dad when the step kids are around, hate rules or punishment or not give sk what they want in fear of sk refusal to stay over .

With regards to steps being rude as a way of showing their displeasure with the situation or whatever.

Would it really be better if they just said. No we don’t like you, we don’t like this, we will never accept you, we do not respect nor want your parental style guidance, pleas do not talk to me as I have no interest in having a relationship with you, you are a forced person in my life who I would rather not engage with?

also that lots of this starts with children who don’t actually know how to articulate their feelings and festers and builds and frankly if they said how they really felt would be ear bashed to Timbuktu frankly.

Would it really be better if they just said. No we don’t like you, we don’t like this, we will never accept you, we do not respect nor want your parental style guidance, pleas do not talk to me as I have no interest in having a relationship with you, you are a forced person in my life who I would rather not engage with?
No. It would be better if both their parents supported them through the break up so they didn't feel threatened by a new partner and were able to form a good relationship with them.

That is not always realistic. Why would all children want to accept a parents new girlfriend or boyfriend into their life?

Were you a jealous angry stepchild?

@MississippiAF I was a child of the second family who was much loved but saw how my step brothers suffered and how their suffering was denied e.g. they have their own mother who can give them holidays, etc.
Children tend to have a strong sense of fairness.

absolutely normal. I look forward to home time and having my clean tidy home back. No rules at mummy’s house and that’s expected to be transferred to my house. Absolutely not! Partner sees no wrong in them ever so I’m constantly fighting against 2 entitled spoilt kids and a dad who doesn’t know how to parent. It’s a relief when they go and a dread before they come!

So often we hear children are resilient, that’s life, they get used to x2 rules, fair isn’t always equal applied to step children.

Those children are expected to modify behaviour etc often for x2 days out of a fortnight, no allowances for excitement, awkwardness, settling in.

Yet grown adults with agency, the ability to regulate emotions and made these choices for themselves and have the option to leave the situation should have sympathy because they couldn’t predict the future, didn’t know what they are getting into, feel pushed out, non-priority etc.

I don’t doubt that step parenting is hard but allowances are rarely made for children who suffer (yes, staying somewhere different fortnightly cannot be easy and that’s before all the tensions/emotions/barely being tolerated. ) in the NRP house too.

I’d hate to have to miss my home comforts, friends, ease, downtime every fortnight esp when I had no choice/say in the matter.

But what if they don’t feel threatened by the partner, that would only tend to happen if they where then also feeling pushed out.

What if they just wished you didn’t exist because they just don’t like you or don’t like the whole blended family kind of set up full stop. What child really wants upto four “parents”.

Added that often it’s when then step parent come along is when lots of rules suddenly change and how their parent parents changes it’s easy to see why a child would not like or enjoy or want a new step parent. The step parent shoulders the blame because it was fine till you came along and then you changed everything.

You see it complaining of dads being Disney dads, or children not made to do chores or whatever. New step mum moves in and it’s nightmare for all. Step mum hates it and expects dad to change it but actually dad and children where quite happy how they where.

It’s why step dads tend to work better out of the two when it works nicely at all as mum tends to the the Primary parent with the more full time house and the step dad often doesn’t come in wanting up flip everything on its head. Unless you get Mr major move in.

What if they just wished you didn’t exist because they just don’t like you or don’t like the whole blended family kind of set up full stop. What child really wants upto four “parents”.

To be clear I am a step child myself so I know it is hard. I would never have gone into my step mum's house, ignored her and barged past her when she said hello. Neither of my parents would have tolerated this kind of behaviour from me. I didn't get to treat people like this just because I was cross, particularly adults who took care of me. Having boundaries around acceptable behaviour is not cruelty to children it is basic parenting and preparation for the real world.

I am baffled that so many parents on here are looking to defend teenagers acting like this. I highly doubt any of them would actually accept this type of behaviour from their own children in the real world.