This is just fairly standard in "blended families" isn't it?

[Kober345]

Step parents, even when not unhappy, still not really enjoying the time DSC are at their home and feeling a bit on edge / find it easier to relax and be more normal when they aren't there?

I find that even though there isn't anything really wrong about our set up, I still just find DSC staying something to get through until I can have my "normal" home back I.e. when they are with their mum.

I'm kind and we do have a good relationship. To be honest if anything they tend to get everything they want a little too much but whatever, they are happy anyway or seem it. But there's always been a feeling underneath of the house just not feeling right or like my home until they are gone.

(We do share DC as well).

Is this a fairly standard feeling do you think?

@myheadisaterribleplace

reading that just made me well up.
That must have been truly horrible to grow up feeling that way. My (ex) step mum didn’t like me being around either. She’d call my friends parents and say I’d asked to go for a sleepover so she could get rid of me. I was only there 1 weekend a month.
It’s horrible feeling like an intruder in your ‘own’ home. My dad was in the police force then so was often working when I was there so I’d often pretend I wasn’t well and just lay upstairs in bed waiting to go home so I didn’t inconvenience her.

I hope your life is happier now 💐

💔

This was unbearably sad to read. I'm so sorry the adults in your life were so shit. You deserved better.

I hope life has been kinder to you since.

(And I do not believe you were / are ugly. What an awful thing for her to say).

I'm sorry @myheadisaterribleplace

Your dad let you down terribly, and your SM was obviously a horrible person, regardless of your fathers uselessness.

What an awful example she was to her own children.

And in the interest of being brutally honest, I suspect most step parents, like me, also find the idea of DSC moving in full time pretty horrifying. I would absolutely hate it and I'm not sure we'd last to be honest because as I say it doesn't feel like normal life until they aren't there.

@Kober345 i can identify with this

But many SMs expect their DP to live like that all the time with their DPs children.

My DCS knew they were not wanted, inconvenient and not included in their Fathers new family. Thank fully it did not last too long but the damage those 2 years did to their relationship with their DF is not reparable.
They have a good relationship but not the kind of father child relationship you would wish for them.

New Name - myheads SM was responsible for her actions and they were vile, stop making excuses for the inexcusable.

It’s quite difficult reading this, and similar threads.
both my parents remarried. I didn’t then have a home that felt like mine. There were weird formalities I wasn’t used to, and a feeling that I was irritating and wasn’t wanted.
i had my own children young, in retrospect I think I wanted to create my own family unit where everyone was welcome and secure.
which I did.

I didn't feel wanted in my non-blended family as a child and teenager. My father barely spoke to me - and directed a lot of aggression towards me -and my mother was busy appeasing my father.

Blended families have their challenges. But it is pretty clear from other MN threads that there are many many unhappy partnerships, where separation is in everyone's interests.

Some people in that situation are happy to remain single parents for the rest of their lives. But others won't. The majority of step parents do their best.

It's pretty standard for families who didn't fully consider, understand, discuss, and agree on what the reality of "blending" will be like. Your experience is typical for stepparents who thought that just tollerating the presence of stepchildren is enough to be with the parent.

This is a good point. It's quite shocking really how little care the adults in these scenarios give to planning the impact of their decisions on the DC that will be affected.

I often feel like this, I didn’t used to but as they’ve got older my SKs are acting increasingly hostile towards me.

I’m not really sure why, I’m still kind to them and will greet them when they arrive with a big smile only to be ignored whilst they physically push their way past me and go to their room.

I’m on edge because it’s like a big black cloud of teenage angst descends on the house.

The eldest is 19 and in full time employment, but comes into the house shouting and demanding. She’s so rude to her dad and me it’s a hard pill to swallow.

If he corrects her behaviour or even expresses displeasure with it then she storms off back to her mum’s and we receive a torrent of abuse of mum too.

I hate it. My kids (one of which is mid-teens) don’t behave that way and they are also stepkids to my DH, and from “broken homes” (I hate that phrase) so I get that emotions can be difficult.

I’m finding my SDs are increasingly turning into their mother both in personality and looks which I’m honestly struggling with. I try not to let it bother me but they’re behaving just like her and she’s a very unpleasant woman.

Gone are the cute little girls I fell in love with 9 years ago… they are becoming young women that are acting unkind and spoilt.

I look forward to the peaceful periods in between visits where I can just calmly parent my kids without the background of rude remarks or air of hostility.

It’s really difficult.

That wasn’t the case for us.

We blended after 5.5 years together. We took our time and the kids actively expressed their desire to all live together.

DH and I got married after 7 years of dating. Nothing was rushed and we spoke to the kids at length about it to ensure they were happy about it.

We had a happy few years under one roof, but hostility has crept in. A lot of it is mum dripping poison in their ears and they have an unwavering loyalty to her, even when presented with the facts they will also choose to believe mum’s view / version of events.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott could have written your posts myself. Step back, for your own sake.

@MississippiAF oh I have. It’s just so incredibly sad because we blended fine… but now it seems my SKs wish to “unblend” for some reason.

I will respect their wishes and have hugely stepped back. I’m still kind and respectful towards them, but I am no longer going out of my way to spend time with them or spend my own money entertaining/ subsidising them.

, I’m still kind to them and will greet them when they arrive with a big smile only to be ignored whilst they physically push their way past me and go to their room

This is awful. For all the people saying poor Step Children don't have a choice, they clearly could choose to be civil in this case. They are choosing to treat this poster like shit.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott many posters will try to shame step mums for feeling as you do but there is no poster on here who wouldn't be upset at being treated like this and look forward to spending time with people who act like your SCs do towards you. Where is there dad in all of this?

I am sorry to everyone on here who is a step child and been made to feel like they do not belong in their parents home, that it is not their home.

My DH (their dad) does pull them up on their unkind behaviour but the older they get, the harder it is to enforce.

When they’re young and fully in your care you can easily discipline or enforce rules like “Don’t swear at each other”. But now they’re older (19 & nearly 15) it’s difficult because they’ll effectively punish my DH by refusing to come to our house or refusing contact altogether.

The worst part is we’ve done nothing to deserve this hostility.

The only thing I can think of that has changed in the last few year is that I changed career and now earn more than I used to and finally have a bit of disposable income.

I’m not rich by any means but I now earn a comfortable wage and have been able to treat my kids to a few trips and concerts in the last 2 years… without DH I may add. Nothing fancy but I’m taking my kids to Greece for 5 nights in August for example.

SKs have mentioned they’re jealous but I pointed out they’re going to Turkey with their mum for 2 weeks in August, so I’m just doing what I can for my 2 children.

To put it into perspective, I have raised my kids pretty much solo and I’m only now in a position to really treat them. My SKs get an abroad holiday at least once a year with their own mum, and they are invited on any trips booked that include DH.

Their mum has also made remarks about my children having the bigger bedrooms but I bought the house and they live here full time. Everything they own is in this house.

Nothing I ever do is for them is appreciated or even acknowledged. They’re not babies, they could say “thanks” for dropping them at their friend’s house or for going out of my way to help them… my own younger kids say thanks.

I don’t know, I'm just tired and venting I guess. It’s hurtful because I’ve loved them and taking care of them for nearly a decade but they’ll barely acknowledge my existence or say hello.

It’s so hurtful.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott I can see why they are angry and resentful to you.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh why? Because I see to do some things with my own children occasionally?

dare* to do

You talk about them being rude. Do you not see that what you are describing is angry and resentful teenagers? They seem very angry with you and your DH.

And it sounds a very strange set up where you live with your DH, have children with him, but you say you raised your children more or less solo. And that you go on holiday, treats and days out with your children, and without your DH or step kids.
It sounds almost like you and DH are flatmates with sex, instead of husband and wife,

They are rude. Not saying hello to someone who greets you at the door and says hello to you IS rude however you want to try and dress it up. It’s basic manners.

Coming into the house and shouting / swearing because you aren’t getting exactly what you want IS rude. Then when your parent says “Please don’t speak like that”, threatening them with not talking to them again and storming out IS rude and ill mannered.

The bizarre thing is I see them behave like this towards their mum at times too.

It’s hurtful to me because I am not their parent, I’m not trying to force a relationship if they don’t want one but I have been a kind and consistent person in their life for nearly a decade and I don’t deserve to be ignored when I speak to them.

They can be angry and resentful (not sure what for though?) but they can’t then expect me to want to jump through hoops to accommodate their social lives, even provide lifts, provide spending money etc. if they can’t even be decent enough to be courteous towards me.

My kids are stepkids too and I would be horrified if they treated my DH the way my SKs are behaving towards me.

The eldest is 19 and in full time employment in a customer facing role, she knows what is acceptable behaviour and what is rude.

I think you have a very poor understanding of how family dynamics impacts on teenagers and how they can then react.
If you were serious about tackling this I would recommend family therapy.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh you clearly haven’t read my posts. I don’t have children with my DH, I have my own children who I have raised solo.

My children deserve to have their mother prioritise them and have quality one on one time too.

If you’d read my posts you’d see I said I’ve done some trips just with my kids, but any trips that include DH then SKs are invited too obviously. We do holidays/trips altogether but more recently I’ve been able to afford to do some nice things just me and my kids.

It’s important in blended families that kids get time with their bio parent.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh I think you have quite poor comprehension skills to be honest.