This is just fairly standard in "blended families" isn't it?

[Kober345]

Step parents, even when not unhappy, still not really enjoying the time DSC are at their home and feeling a bit on edge / find it easier to relax and be more normal when they aren't there?

I find that even though there isn't anything really wrong about our set up, I still just find DSC staying something to get through until I can have my "normal" home back I.e. when they are with their mum.

I'm kind and we do have a good relationship. To be honest if anything they tend to get everything they want a little too much but whatever, they are happy anyway or seem it. But there's always been a feeling underneath of the house just not feeling right or like my home until they are gone.

(We do share DC as well).

Is this a fairly standard feeling do you think?

See I'd be in agreement to an extent that children are more important, their needs etc.. than the adults. I do get that as a mother myself.

Where I absolutely don't agree is that one set of children, or one set of children's feelings etc.. is more important to their joint parent. Like the example I gave of DH being stricter with our DC than DSC and him openly admitting its because they don't live with us full time. I think that's wrong personally.

And it is. But that's a DH problem. (As you've said).

I think it's really sad that DC have to experience this. I'm not saying it's your fault OP or that it's out of the ordinary. I think it must be very usual, in fact.

I'm a single parent, 3 DC, on my own since they were small. I'd never have contemplated any type of blended situation or living with a partner. Their security comes first. I don't think there's any 'good' blended situation, though many can work out ok.

I can relate to this, during some intense times due to bad behaviour I used to describe it as feeling claustrophobic. Everywhere I turned there was a person, my own teens included and there was no escape from tears, sulking and general attitude because my husband wouldn't tolerate the behaviour (it was illegal so well within his rights not too).
I wasn't spoken too for around four years so I did often look forward to when she left for home

I wouldn't say I feel on edge anymore tbh...I have a DSD 9 who I've lived with EOW (4 nights) for nearly 5 years now though. At the start I was more on edge regarding DP's ex as she caused no end of problems, but thankfully DSD is absolutely great and I don't feel awkward or any of those kind of feelings when she's round.

I enjoy her company much more now she's older as we can do more things and she has more patience...but then again I am probably in a different situation to most as I don't have any kids of my own. She is even a big part of my family now and regularly sees my parents & grandparents etc. My DP is also wonderful & a great Dad who doesn't 'overcompensate' at all.

I honestly think after reading this forum for years now, the step-mums who have it the hardest are the Dad's who just aren't on the same page and are the definition of a Disney Dad....

I agree

I don't necessarily disagree. It is sad and its not something I'd like for my own children if I'm being brutally honest. I can't ever imagine counting down the minutes until they leave.

I think this is just the reality for a lot of "blended" families. Everyone gets on well enough but even so, it doesn't feel "right" until they are back with their mum and it's just us again.

And in the interest of being brutally honest, I suspect most step parents, like me, also find the idea of DSC moving in full time pretty horrifying. I would absolutely hate it and I'm not sure we'd last to be honest because as I say it doesn't feel like normal life until they aren't there.

Threads like this are like someone leaving a tropical climate and choosing a temperate one then complaining that it's winter sometimes. Yeah no shit.

I think this will be true for me tbh. I can imagine actually enjoying them when they are grown and living their own lives and we aren't following some schedule where our life turns into something completely different multiple times a week and it's more adhoc.

Would it be better for the children to stay in one home and the non resident parent accept they should financially support that as it’s better for the child. They could still meet up and go out for the day, but the child lives full time in one place.

Yes it would be. But it is all about parents wanting fifty fifty.

Why would you have children with him when you watched him be a Disney dad? You’ve literally said that he won’t have boundaries and consequences for them; so he leaves the actual parenting to their mum? Like teaching them not to piss on the toilet seat. No one says anything at dad’s house so that’s just for mum to teach them?

The problem is that he doesn’t actually parent them, but you watched that and thought this was the guy for you. Can’t complain now.

Oh yes, that crystal ball that allows step parents to know exactly what step parenting is like before doing it.

This no less an adult-centric position than the original proposition.

It’s not in the child’s best interests to be treated as more/less important than anyone else. Yes, divorce can have serious negative impacts on a child. Treating them as the most important beings in this or that home is not the solution to that; it’s a way for parents to feel they’re compensating for the havoc they’ve wreaked upon that child’s life and assuaging their guilt. As ever, the child needs love and security and boundaries and nurturing. To me, that means slotting into the appropriate place as an equal to everyone else in that family.

But some of these complaints aren’t about what it’s like to be a step parents, it’s about how her partner parents them. And she did see that before deciding to marry and have her own children with him. She watched him Disney dad, still chose to be with him… and now she doesn’t like that he won’t discipline them so they have to live in fake happy land whenever the kids are there.

My dsd lives full time with us, she chose this. I really can't understand how you can marry/partner up with someone with kids then resent contact in your home. They may live with you permanently!

I was a stepchild in both homes and never felt wanted in either, particularly at my dad's. I stayed upstairs in my room alone because my step mum didn't want me there. I guess it wasnt her fault, my dad was never there, so she had no choice but to look after me. She fed me and washed my school uniform but I was never offered treats that she gave her kids, I wasn't invited to take part in games or movie nights and I heard her tell her DC that she thought I was ugly (which I am) and that's why they couldn't go to the park that day because she wasn't taking me out, which pissed them off and they would gang up and take their frustration out on me. I felt so lonely. I would have loved to be included, but it was easier if I stayed upstairs out of their way so they could enjoy their time together. I felt like I was an unlovable child because no one really wanted me in their lives.

This, for me was exactly how it felt

Shame, must be an absolute shock to find that the man who has his children on set days…continues to have them on those days even though you’re now an item

I also don’t think 50-50 is the best set up for kids of divorced parents who build new families. It can be the only option for many financially and no judging those who do it. From experience I’d have hated it. My mum had us most of the time growing up and I had a half sibling who is no different to a whole sibling as we grew up together. My dad had a new wife and new kids and I hated ‘visiting’ ‘their’ house. It was always tense and strict and being there more would’ve been stressful. I barely know the half siblings from dad’s side. I’m so glad it wasn’t 50-50. I do 50-50 w my ex for now on the basis we don’t have live in partners or new babies and and because it’s practical with two of us working full time, but if his dad ever started a new family I would need to reassess. My partner has 2 kids 50-50 and when he chose that arrangement I said we’d not be moving in together as not fair on our children. His parenting style is v different to mine and beyond that his exw is incredibly permissive so we would clash or his kids would get whiplash from constantly moving between not two but three different sets of expectations. DP obviously wanted a woman to do this 50-50 with him as like many men he was focused more on his rights than his responsibilities and I think that’s often where the troubles start.

I hope for your sake you are being deliberately obtuse rather than actually thinking that having children on set days is what I was talking about.

I am sorry your dad failed you like that. I am sure that your SM's reaction was nothing to do with you as a person but because she was forced into a main caring role because your dad didn't do it.

I would actually say the fact that she didn't just refuse to have you when your dad wasn't there shows she actually cared about you but resented the role she was forced into.

I think it got easier as my stepchildren got older - at least in some ways. They got use to their life with me and their Dad. They understood that the way we lived was different from how things were at their mothers.

In the earlier stages the 'eggshells' feeling was more that if they expressed any reservations about anything to their own mother, she would go ballistic. And that it was better to avoid any conflict in the hours before they went back to her place.

After a bit they learned that if they were fed up with us, it was better to sort it out with us directly.

And they were brilliant with my daughter, when she was born. They enjoyed playing with her and having a new little sister.

They are grown up now and are in touch very regularly. One of them lives nearby - the other is on the other side of the country.

I think we did alright.

*I don't necessarily disagree. It is sad and its not something I'd like for my own children if I'm being brutally honest. I can't ever imagine counting down the minutes until they leave.

I think this is just the reality for a lot of "blended" families. Everyone gets on well enough but even so, it doesn't feel "right" until they are back with their mum and it's just us again.*

Well with some of the comments on threads like these, including the above, it's not surprising there are so many on Mumsnet who say they wouldn't inflict a blended family on their children.

I honestly don't get it- yes of course no one is going to know exactly what it is to be a stepparent until they do it but it doesn't take that much imagination does it? So why do it? So unfair on the kids involved.

There are few stepparents who are deserving of the title tbh. Parent's new spouse is often more appropriate.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday - they can’t really do that though if one of the adults in their lives would rather they weren’t there, I think you’ve misunderstood my post. I’m not suggesting they should be pandered to but they should be wanted and welcomed.