This is just fairly standard in "blended families" isn't it?

[Kober345]

Step parents, even when not unhappy, still not really enjoying the time DSC are at their home and feeling a bit on edge / find it easier to relax and be more normal when they aren't there?

I find that even though there isn't anything really wrong about our set up, I still just find DSC staying something to get through until I can have my "normal" home back I.e. when they are with their mum.

I'm kind and we do have a good relationship. To be honest if anything they tend to get everything they want a little too much but whatever, they are happy anyway or seem it. But there's always been a feeling underneath of the house just not feeling right or like my home until they are gone.

(We do share DC as well).

Is this a fairly standard feeling do you think?

Also @ItsAllAboutTheDosh my DD is a teenager in the same situation and she’s not treating her stepparent in such an unkind way.

Surely parenting is about teaching children how to manage their emotions. Would you tolerate your children refusing to say hello and shoving past you because they are angry? If so that is not good parenting.

Oh look, any rude behaviour by a step child being excused! Who'd have thought it.

It's also really bad for any child to grow up thinking that this is what you do when you're upset. These children are teenagers not toddlers. They'll be at work in a few short years. Let's hope they don't have an issue with a boss that tells them to do things that don't want to....

@Kober345 didn’t you realise that SKs have free reign to be rude and unpleasant as they’re from “broken homes”….

Unless of course your own biological children are also stepchildren in a blended set up, they’re not allowed to have feelings or equitable treatment.

Only your poor husband’s children apparently. And you couldn’t possible sympathise with them or understand them because experience with your own teenage children who are also stepchildren doesn’t count.

And you cannot expect to be treated as an actual human being with feelings or expect and form of acknowledgement or kindness from your stepchildren.

😂😂😂

And these people expect you to enjoy step parenting these "children" too.

This isn't my situation, my step children are nice kids and aren't rude and impolite but it's definitely a running theme. A 19yo can act hideously toward you and its your fault apparently 😄

You can either just vent and condemn your DHs children's behaviour. Or you can try and understand what is causing it and try and fix the situation. Up to you.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh this is a support forum for step parents. Of course there's venting.

It's also not either vent or try and fix it. It's possible to do both.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh I have tried, and I will continue to be kind to them.

But I will no longer tolerate an adult ignoring me or being directly rude to me.

At this point I think the best thing I can do is give them the space they so clearly want.

It’s not my job to parent them and I’m not willing to be their emotional punchbag, so I’m stepping way back and have decided for my own mental health it’s best I only interact with them on an essential basis.

Also, judging by their mother’s and extended family’s behaviour I’m not sure it can be fixed. I think this might just be who they are as people, their personalities.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott Fine, simply move away from them. Ignore their obvious anger and their reasons for it and your unusual set up and the impact that could be having.
I can see what may be going on and I have suggested a way you could explore beginning to resolve the situation. I do not believe you have tried as you do not even accept there are any valid reasons for their anger.
I suspect they may become more and more distant to you and your DH over the years and you will simply dismiss this as caused by their personality. You will not see how you and your DH may have played a part in bringing about this situation.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh are you ok? You seem incredibly emotionally invested in my situation whilst knowing very little about it.

You have no idea how I’ve tried, you’ve jumped on a few posts made where I’ve vented based on the question asked the OP. I gave a bit of background and you now feel qualified to determine what efforts I may or may not have made.

I’m incredibly hurt by their behaviour, especially my adult stepdaughter. I am not obliged to continue being emotionally abused or ignored whenever I try to interact with her.

I cannot continue to give effort and reason with people who want limited interaction with me, or try to help them when I consistently receive abuse from their mother. There comes a point where I have to prioritise my own mental health and that of my own children.

DH can continue to make proactive efforts with them, I will support him, I will continue to be kind and respectful to them.

I would never ignore them or exclude them, but I’m not longer willing to be actively involved or go above and beyond like I had been. Their parents can do that. I’m happy to fade into the background to be honest.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott

What were the circumstances surrounding the break up of their parents, and the start of your relationship with their dad?

I assume they are apparently justified in behaving the way they do because you've dared to do things with your own DC that doesn't include them. The horror.

It's not an odd set up at all especially considering your DC aren't even your husbands. Why would they not deserve time with their own mum which doesn't always include their step dads children too.

PP would be horrified to know that I regularly do things with just my own DC, who are my husbands. I have no idea why that wouldn't be okay. My teen step kids still managed to be polite, respectful human beings funnily.

@Kober345 are you also married but have brought up your children single handedly? Do you also pay for days out, treats and holidays that DH is not invited to?

Mum had an affair when youngest SD was 1 year old which broke up the family. She immediately moved in with him and has since had a string of failed relationships. Her love life appears quite chaotic to be honest.

I met DH when he and his ExGf (their mum) had been split up for nearly 6 years. He had dated casually in between but nothing serious.

SKs were 6 & 10 years old when I met them. We took things very slowly and only moved in together after 5.5 years of dating and got married just after our 7th year together.

We’ve been together just shy of 9 years now. We have a very stable, calm, loving marriage.

Mum is now moving in with her current boyfriend, he’s very well off so the kids are happy about it.

SKs and my kids all get along fine, in fact my youngest SD and DD are really good friends.

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh do you not think children in blended families should have one on one time with their bio parent?

Would you take such exception to the idea if it was my DH doing it with his kids? Because shock horror! HE DOES!

Also @ItsAllAboutTheDosh i wasn’t always married… we got married 2 years ago, moved in together 3.5 years ago, my daughter is nearly 14… you can add up right?

I was a single parent for 11.5 years.

Yes I dated my now DH, but we lived separately and raised our kids separately.

What would the children prefer? Do they like being at yours and your OH's for half the week or would they prefer to stay with their mother more?

As they get older, the present arrangement will no doubt evolve as they spend more time with friends and can make their own choices.

@Goldbar visits have naturally reduced a bit over the last couple of years. Obviously SD19 doesn’t adhere to a custody schedule as she’s an adult so she just comes over whenever she wants to.

SD14 comes without fail every other weekend but also whenever she wants to in between. She has a key and her school bus has a stop at the end of our road. She’s often here for dinner a couple of times a week but tends to only stay over EOW.

You said originally the step children had been in your life for 9 years since they were cute little girls. Now you say you moved in 3.5 years ago and married 2 years ago and you both raised your children separately.
If the latter is true then you have only been in their lives in any meaningful sense for 3.5 years. That is not a long time. You also say the difficulties in your relationship have been going on for some time. So it sounds like the relationship had a very short time of being okay.

I am married yes. I haven't brought my DC up single handedly because they are DHs children. The poster you're referring to doesn't share children with her DH. Her children are her husbands step children, if her DH doesn't get involved in parenting her children then yes that's raising her kids single handedly isn't it? Why are you so insistent that she must not raise them solo?

And yes. I regularly go out for day trips or treats with my DC that I pay for without DH and DSC. Why wouldn't I? I've been to days out and holidays abroad with my DC without DH just like we have also all holiday'd together.

DSCs mum also has a partner and they regularly do the same, she holidays with just DSC sometimes and her partner sometimes holidays with just his kids too.

I don't see why it's odd or why it would cause any resentment.

Is it not a good thing to have one on one time with a parent? Or is that only when we're talking about stepchildren? (Oh but also only a man's children).

@ItsAllAboutTheDosh Why do you think you know all the details of my marriage or family set up? It’s very odd.

I’ve been in their lives for 9 years. I helped both parents out with childcare considerably too due to my previous job being term time only.

We have raised them separately in the sense of finances and homes until 3.5 years ago when we all moved under one roof. But I have known them and cared for them for 9 years.

You seem a tad obsessive and unhinged, all the while not actually reading what I have written.

Why does my life interest you so much? I answered the OP’s original post and provided a bit of background to how I feel at the moment and you seem determined to try and pick at me and be rude to me.

Why does it bother you that I was a single parent? Or that I choose to now give my children the treats/trips I couldn’t afford before?

Or that my DH and I like to do some things as a family group but other things just with our own children to have quality time with them?

I’ve been polite and answered all of your prying questions even though I did not ask for your opinion - or anyone else’s, I simply responded to the OP with a bit of a sad vent in what I thought was a safe space for stepparents.