I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Why didn't you just go without DSS if his Mum refused permission?

As the mother of an 8 year old DS who has just split with my H thanks to his cheating, your posts make me feel sick. The worst part of my situation (which I did not choose - H was fairly useless but I stayed with him precisely because I did not want my children’s family to be broken up; he went and broke it up anyway by cheating) is the idea of sending my kids off to spend weekends with a woman who feels about them the way you do about your DSS. In my case the OW won’t even start out liking him as you did; she certainly didn’t give a shit about him (or indeed her own children) when she was shagging his dad behind everyone’s backs, and I can see her resenting my children intruding on their “couple time”.

All 8 year olds can be annoying; all siblings argue - if they were both your children you would just have to sort it out. Instead you are treating this little boy awfully because you can’t stand his mother and resent his presence in your “perfect” family. He wants his dad at night because the way you (and his mother) are behaving is making him feel unloved and insecure. Poor little boy 🥲.

Get a grip, OP, and start behaving like an adult who chose this situation (your DSS certainly did not), or leave your DH and hope your DS does not end up with a stepmother like you.

This.

For what ever reason you are carrying resentment. You knew your DH had a child when you married him and started a family, and it’s been tougher than you realised, especially since having a child of your own. This is, largely, a you problem. All the issues you raise are pretty standard, in fact 8yo seeking their parents beds when un settled is also normal, but you’d take it on the chin for your own, wouldn’t you?

Seek therapy to unpick those feelings and sort them out because you will pass on your resentments to your 3yo - denying him a healthy relationship with his dad and half brother, and making him unhappy.

I get you OP.

I think the comments on here are terrible.

I met a bloke and he had two young kids from his previous marriage. They were a girl aged four and boy - 7.

I took to the girl immediately. The boy I had a gut rection against which was shocking to me at the time and still is a bit now, even though he will be an adult now.

It was a personality thing but the girl was happy go lucky and adorable in every sense, the boy was always whining and basically a mouthpiece for his mother even though she had had an affair and split the marriage and had married her lover.

Even if I met the adult that was that kid now, I know I would not like him. He had no friends because of his personality and I included him in everything and made a conscious effort to not show how I felt but it was there and it's silly to make out this sort of thing doesn't happen.

Most of the problems described are the fault of your husband and his ex, not the child.

I wonder if there are deeper issues here that need unpacking. I recommend going to see a therapist who has some kind of specialism in working with families. It will help you explore what your actual feelings are and where they are coming from. You can then maybe involve your husband and move forward from there.
I understand that the consequences of different parenting styles in different homes will cause some difficulties. It's important to remember though, that this is not the boys fault...he is only 8. These are exactly the kind of things that make building a blended family hard. For blended families to work, the grown ups need to remember how powerless children are in these situations and be prepared to make accommodations.
Some of your other problems seem more unreasonable. Of course you need to check things like holiday dates. If you and your husband split, I'm sure you would be justifiably cross if holidays were booked without checking with you.
I know it's hard OP, I also have a blended family and it can feel hard sometimes. However, there are 2 little children in all this who are at the mercy of how the adults in their lives behave. Take decisive action now to find better solutions to the simmering resentment that you currently feel.

Can I give another point of view....I had half sisters that were older than me and came to stay very regularly. My mother did everything she could to accommodate them and make them feel welcome and my father danced to the tune of his ex wife, even though she had left him for another man.
I hated them being there...they showed no interest in being with us, wanted everything their own way and everything was about them.
When my DF died I cut contact. They didn't make any effort either and I know really hurt my DM.
Sometimes blending just doesn't work unless it is very fair to all the children.

@holywow i am really sorry you are going through this. You should NOT leave and i dont understand how anyone can even advise that. You sound like a caring and loving person. Is your DH aware of your feelings and resentment? Do you have any long or short term plan?

I have read bits of the thread but all of your comments OP.

I really feel for you. What you have to know about mumsnet is there are first and foremost the "poor little step child evil step mum" camp. There is no in between or any excuse to ever dislike a poor DSC. Then there is perhaps a few in between and then there are people like me who agree that you can dislike a child. Then you have the thickos who can't read a post properly or comprehend the written word. Literally key details and they don't read properly or understand.
They wade in talking about your DS like he's not your DH child for example. It happens on every single thread.
In the real world I have met so many people who dislike the company of a particular child for some reason. Like you no one would ever act on it and be noticeably mean (it Is possible to hide and kids are not fucking psychic as some would have you believe) but may not jump to invite them over. You are forced to stomach the child every weekend.
You have been in his life since he was small so he knows no different to you being around. Thickos who say he had to adapt are just that, thick. He'd have to adapt more to you leaving.
You've spent more time with him than his own mother but I bet you're not allowed to actually parent.... Ie "I am not having HER discipline my child" etc.

I stayed with my DH because despite his DD and his family being arse holes, I didn't want to hand my DC over to them without me. So here I am with the grown DC and my DH. He meets his awful DD outside of our home and I avoid his family where possible. It's not ideal but I know I could leave now and my DC won't have the step parent involved.... I am happy enough staying where I am for now though.

Anyway I think you were brave to say what you've said on mumsnet. It's like a viper pit full of disgruntled step daughters and perfect step mothers! Don't think that this means you're wrong..... It's like another realm here 😂

This with bells on.

Step parents tend to really resent other women's children {and let the poor kids know it} once their own DNA has landed.

The 8 yr old undoubtedly knows how the stepmother hates him... He probably feels very insecure, hence wanting his Dad in his bed, poor kid.

Your husband sounds like a major part of the problem - he's letting his ex dictate your life, and the way he left you alone in hospital with a seriously ill newborn was cruel and unnecessary.

There was no reason you couldn't have gone on holiday to Spain without your SS, if you stay with him and it happens again, you should go on holiday with your son if you husband refuses to go without your SS. Your husband's ex was very unreasonable to object to your SS going on a family holiday for a week with you. Usually access woukd include at least one or two full weeks in the summer holidays, and as pps have pointed out, every weekend is a lot for a working mum to be away from her child. Can access be reviewed?

I think you and your son need some weekends without your SS, could you and he go to stay with family/ friends the odd weekend? Or at least arrange outings and playdates on say Saturdays so that SS stays home with his dad and you're out with your son. A review of access would be useful, at least to get a block of time in the summer for holidays.

You need to agree house rules with both boys and your husband to try to stop your SS and son from bickering, taking each others stuff etc - with the age gap there will be times they can play together, but there'll be lots of irritants from both sides, and your 4 year old is likely really annoying your eight year old SS - the same would happen if they were full siblings.

I think therapy would be useful for you, as you need help to challenge the way you're blaming your SS for the way his parents are behaving, which is so unfair to him. Couples therapy could be useful for you and your husband, to help him to realise that in putting his oldest son first, you feeling he's putting you and your son second.

You need to see the value for your son in having a half sibling - this is someone who can be a friend and support to him throughout his life whole life, who'll be here after you've gone, so you need to help them to have a positive relationship.

So simple why didn't I think of that. You do know the dating pool is full of nice men who have DC. As if you're going to get into a relationship, fall in love then meet the DC and go nope sorry I need to walk away now. No one meets the fucking DC before they're in too deep. Maybe that should be a requirement. I certainly wish I'd met the wider family sooner as I'd have been long gone.

As always in these cases you have a DH problem.
When your baby was poorly in hospital and the ex was demanding he pick up DSS. Your husband should have told her straight no I’m not coming. You’ll have to keep him this weekend.
Next time you want to book a holiday. You tell her. We’re going away for a week. Either DSS comes with us or else you’ll have to have him at weekends we’re away. End of story. No arguing. He needs to stand up to her.
Id also be trying to knock think every weekend contact on the head and instead do week on week off or else every other weekend and a night in the week. The DSS isn’t the problem here. Your husband and the ex wife are the problems. You’re taking your anger and frustration out on the wrong little person

OP just to say you're outnumbered here by step children and ex wives. You'll never win. I'm wife number 2 and have an obnoxious SC with a PITA dm. Solidarity.

The mother is thoughtless and the situation with the practicalities is irrating at times.

How you have transferred that to hating an 8 year old you were once very close to is horrible.

I think it's not so much your DSS you resent but the ex having power over your lives. Quite rightly as she sounds grim. That's not DSS's fault and you need to work hard to separate the two in your head. Sounds to me like your DH needs to stand up to her more.

I couldn't agree with this more, I too feel sick. Children pick up on so much that is unspoken, it's how we evolved and how we survive. That child knows what you feel and it will affect them for life.

FYI am not a step-child or ex-wife of anyone that has SC.

It's difficult when kids are young but you need to get your head around this. DSS is 8 fgs. Your DS will be exactly the same, especially if you and DH split up and your DS ends up visiting his dad with the new sulky unsympathetic wife who hates your DS.
You're a grown up, get your head around it, show some love and KIND guidance on sharing etc to both your boys, and it will get better. Stay strong it will likely get more challenging as they both grow up - fgs keep the XP on side as well - and it will turn out fine.
My DSS went through some horrendous behaviour but now aged 22 he's a delight and we couldn't be more proud.
Stay close to him and be fair so he listens to you and wants to make you happy and proud. Make an enemy of him and you will break his heart, and your DHs, and your DSs and you'll end up hating yourself (rightly) forever.
Hes just a kid who's parents split up - he needs love and guidance and you have to give it to him. He's your DSs brother, forever, so what you do to him affects you all.

OP appears to be ignoring any posts that suggests her DH is the absolute root cause of the issues.

Had he started as they meant to carry on years ago by advocating EQUALLY for his wife and both of his children, this would never have happened.

Newborn in ICU - ex won't budge on contact - tell her to stop being such a bitch and failing that, hire a bloody babysitter.

Having DS every weekend. Conversation. No, that does NOT work for our family. 50/50 care is better for all concerned. Involve lawyer and courts, if necessary.

Not being able to go overseas and Ex doing that exact thing. Conversation on 5th of January, EVERY DAMN year. Agree contact dates, approach to special occasions, holiday dates, approach to holidays, approach to emergencies. Put it in writing. Again, involve lawyer if required.

The DH taking fuck all responsibility is the problem here. Demonising the SM is a putting a bandaid on a heart attack.

Most posters just fancy sticking the boot in.
OP herself not helping herself by asserting herself and NOT advocating for both children by telling her husband to sort it out or fuck off.

What is it with MN these days, that rational and obvious, well thought out, polite posts are just ignored??? Not enough drama, or OP can't be bothered to read the responses on their own threads.

Probably too busy thinking about what to type next.

So yes In a situation like that, I do think DH should have been by our baby’s incubator with me! And not running round after DSS

Yes. Your DH absolutely should have tbh and he’s a fucking shit dad for prioritising a healthy child over one who, for the first 72hrs, was very likely to die.

BUT none of this is DSS fault. It’s the result of shit parenting (or lack there of) by his mother. And his father being a Disney dad cos he feels guilty.

Honestly, OP. Your DS would be happier without your DSS around from everything you’ve said. YOU would be happier.

People on mumsnet love to stick the knife in instead of offering constructive advice probably cos their own sad little lives are so miserable they have to get their kicks off beating people when they are down so ignore the posts not offering advice and just being nasty.

But, you need to leave your DH before this becomes any more toxic than it is

Oh come on, even for somebody determine to pin it all on the DH that’s a bit pathetic. ‘Fuck all responsibility’? Sounds like he’s taking the exact kind of responsibility women on here call for exes to take as a standard - regular cars, sticking to commitments, caring for his son’s emotional welfare, not hiring some random ‘babysitter’ to look after him.

The anti man vein on here is sometimes absolutely demented. Yes he needs to approach the ex about jigging the days around but taking ‘fuck all responsibility’ and being the ‘absolute root cause’ of the fact the OP clearly just despises the kids regardless of the timetable? Ridiculous.

Care not cars!

Your not cruel, i think most people almost losing their baby and then being punished and unsupported at the worst point in their lives would feel resentful. There is a lot of complex emotions and hurt rolled up here. It isnt DSS fault it is the adults..but when your emotionally wounded you can rarely rationally navigate things..

As this has been going on 3 years, have you ever expressed yourself to your DH and the mum? If you havent voiced your how they hurt you and its bottled up that is probably why its turning into resentment at the child?

If it were me i would be setting boundaries and expectations on empathy and compramise on these adults. I would find a time and place to let the mother know how she was out of order and to DH that he should have put her in her place. They wont like it, but you are also valid and they will get over it, the child will not. I would take my son on holiday anyway and my DH would just have to pay for a friend to come with us on holiday instead of him. I expect equality in my household for all children.

Perhaps if you feel heard and acknowledged as a person you will direct this to those responsible and can start enjoying your DSS for who is is..an innocent bundle of energy and your childs sibling.

As always in these cases you have a DH problem.

No she doesn't. This is her vile attitude which is the problem. She hates an 8 year old.

I think you have a dh / dss mum problem, not a dss problem. Maybe dss is picking up on the tension between the adults and acting up.

First of all, you need to re-negotiate the split of care between dh / dss mum. I don’t think that the current split is going to work as dss gets older and you will want to go away on holiday for at least a week. Go for 50/50 during the holidays and then every other weekend plus some week days at his dads. This will give you some breathing space at the weekend and time for dss to spend with his dad in the holidays.

Secondly your dh needs to set some boundaries with his son and properly parent him. Why is it all falling on you to the extent that you are dreading spending time with him? Why is his dad not stepping up when he misbehaves (he is only 8 after all)?