I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

I think it’s reasonable that your DH would want to see and spend time with his 8 yo every weekend . Perhaps they can spend some time out of the house so you can chill with your 2 yo. Whatever happens I think you need to seek some counselling as it’s not a tolerable situation for you and the DSS. I don’t see a way moving forward without it or adding to your family .

Your partner needs to step up here and re-negotiate the custody. Every alternative weekend and two nights in the week for him to have dss? He needs to put his foot down and discuss with ex as it should be an arrangement both sides are happy with. If you partner is happy with this current plan & won’t change it then either you find a way to make it work and you deal with your feelings or you leave. What’s not ok is the poor 8 year old boy being the subject of your hate. He is totally innocent- he is a child! A child who already has had to go through parents divorce, then having to spend weekends at another house where his step mum doesn’t want him there. Poor boy. It’s not fair on him. Your child is not more worthy than him- they are equal. You are the one being unreasonable as the adult. Also his behaviour you don’t like towards ds ie hiding toys etc can be managed as per normal parenting between siblings- boundaries, teaching and firm but fair discipline just like you would with your own child. That stuff is temporary. There’s a few suggestions here and in other Pps about managing this situation and your feelings I would sit down have a think then a discussion with partner but be sensitive & don’t spew out hate towards his child

When I read the title of the thread I thought it would be about some terrible tear away teen with drug issues or something not a poor innocent and normal 8 year old boy. So sad. Sort your stuff out OP do not take it out on a child.

My god this is horrendous. You knew he had a son when you met him but you married him anyway. Did you think he'd just sack off his existing child now that he's with you??
That poor little boy. Your son is going to be exactly the same as him when he gets older and then you'll feel guilty as hell

My DS was critical for the first 72 hours. DH rang his ex and explained this and she said, and I quote, ‘alright but that’s not my/his fault so I expect you to still pick him up’
so dh asked MIL to collect im. ex wife calls back saying ‘he wants to see you not grandma, he’s not seen you all week so don’t let him down’ (whilst DSS was crying on the other end of the phone)

But your DS gets his Daddy tucking him in every bloody night!!!!!!!!!

You genuinely are coming across as astoundingly selfish and self-absorbed, OP. There's no other way of putting it. Either put up with it and treat that little boy how he deserves to be treated and LOVED or leave. But for the love of god stop punishing him for his mother's actions.

And what did DH do? Because whatever he did was his decision. Not his ex's. Not his son's.

You are being very cruel to blame your stepson for his parent's behaviour. He is a child. He is your son's brother and always will be because you tied yourself for life to a man who already had a child when you had your own. You can leave your husband all you want, but you will never actually be free from him unless he decides to have nothing to do with your joint son. So it is in your best interests to sort out your feelings towards your stepson because your own son's future depends on it.

@holywow Genuinely, can you really not see?

It's the mum/DH you're angry with, NOT an eight year old.

Is it easier to blame him?

Are you afraid to confront them? (DH/mum)

This is so sad, (non-judgementally) everyone needs therapy.

I think you either need to leave or really lean in to your DSS. He’s barely being parented during the week by his mum and then he’s off to yours for a weekend but his step mum resents him and he has to compete for love and attention with his dad’s younger child.

It’s no wonder he’s picked up some irritating personality traits as that’s a really tough life I doubt many adults could cope with similar household dynamic and keep themselves together.

everything you’ve said about your DSS’s personality sounds really normal for his age and would be the same if you had two children of your own. Parenting the younger one in your desired style can and does go out of the window when the older one is being challenging. They torment each other and fight over toys. You can’t leave them together alone etc.

I suggest your best and least radical option is to get therapy to see if you can find space in your heart for DSS. If you can I think his behaviour will massively improve if he feels adored when he is with you.

@idonthaveyourwellies it is baggage, nor directed at the child of course not but yes, baggage.

Hi OP. It does sound like a very toxic situation. Your husband must realise that you are struggling with your stepson. Have you and him had a conversation about what’s going on? what solutions has he suggested? I feel that some of the posts here have been too hars but I also think I think your anger is misdirected and you need counselling to help what is a very awful situation

I think I’d end the marriage and be single . Being a step parent generally is awful and not worth it .

Ps it’s because of the parents not the kids most of the time .

As pp have said, your anger is very misdirected here. Absolutely none of this is DSS fault. What do you think it's going to be like if you have another child? Your current PFB will be the one annoying and teasing its younger sibling. Are you not going to be able to stand your firstborn then?

Please, with kindness, give your head a wobble and look at who you are really having issues with otherwise and sort that out or you are going to make some decisions that you will regret for the rest of your life.

I disagree. I've been in my stepkids lives for over 15 years and have had few bumps along the way. I love them dearly and have been accepted by their mum and her entire family. It's all down to how you approach it.

OP your husband could've done this too. when its your parenting time its up to you to sort childcare, he could've picked him and taken him to his parents, to your parents BUT thats for him to sort not DS Mum.

yes it would've been a nice favour for her to keep him, but if we're being honest kind of exclusionary. he is DH child and the existence of a new baby doesn't stop that.

stop holding your DS responsible for how you feel about his mum, he is 8.

if you want to take your ds on a plane you can, DH can come back early or go without him.

You have a massive DH problem. He sounds like a wet lettuce!

what did he say to mum when she took her son to Turkey? As he must have missed his weekends! What happened then? She can’t work to a double standard and he needs to put boundaries in to make sure that happens.

bet firm with you DH that some things need to change. Explain that in 2024 you will be taking a weeks holiday abroad. That you want DSS to come but will go anyway. If he can’t facilitate that with his ex he will have to only go for a few days whilst you stay a week or he won’t be able to join you. But that would be ridiculous. The ex cannot dictate how you live your lives to that extends. She has set a precise t now going to Turkey so take her to court for holiday rights if that’s what it takes.

DH also needs to parent. It isn’t normal for an 8 year old to wake every night and wake you both up. I also don’t think it’s normal for an 8 year old to hide the toys of a 3 year old to upset them. Yes there will be some rough play but it should be being monitored and why is DH not monitoring that?

you have a DH problem and I think he needs to be made well aware you are not standing for his weak willed ways any longer and that if it carries on you will start to do things like take only your 3 year old away, start spending more of Saturdays at your parents/ long day trips out.

it isn’t your SmDSS fault but there are some parenting issues here and DH needs to step up.i think then you will feel better about the small things

If you ever loved DSS like you claim you used to, please leave.

You are putting all your feeling towards his mothers actions onto him. The few bits you’ve mentioned that are actually about him is just totally normal 8yr old stuff.. he’s not doing anything wrong apart from existing. He will be picking up on this, even if you say you hide it, he will be feeling it otherwise he wouldn’t be needing daddy snuggles at night. This is only going to get worse and the damage you are already doing is huge. If you did care about him in the past, then do the decent thing and leave. The fact you won’t as you don’t want to ‘share’ your own DC with their dad if you split just screams narcissist to me. Arrangements could be made for every other weekend or you have 1 in 3 or something if having your child on a weekend is priority. I’m very surprised your husband hasn’t already walked away from you tbh, giving your obvious hatred towards an innocent child.

You have my sympathy OP, it's easy to say that you shouldn't have gotten with a man with a child if you didn't want to be a step parent but when you're dating a person and you just get to do the fun things there's no way you could know how it would impact you to have a child for two days of the week once you're properly together.
This is why I'd never date a man with a child, I couldn't cope with having another woman's child dictating what I do with my weekends, don't really have any advice because if you split with him over this it will just make it even more messy with another two step parents in the future, I think these setups work better if both people already have children when they meet. Just want you to know you feel heard and you're not as bad as previous posters are making out, the emotions you're feeling are completely normal.

When I count my blessings, I include that none of my family are blended families.

My advice is leave. Leave today.

Get the much-needed counselling you so very obviously require. If/when you are able to respond/behave like a mature adult, you can go back and treat the wee boy as he should be treated - with respect and love.

No child, absolutely no child, deserves to be hated on by anyone. Particularly not by someone who, imo, has become so petulant and cowardly because they are incapable of dealing with the adults who are pissing them off.

Anyway, in a just world, you'll have shared enough details for the child's mother to recognise you and share this with her child's father. In which case, the choice to leave won't be yours.

No , it’s how you get treated . You are the exception not the rule .

and if your dss was your son your dh would still be in charge if sorting childcare and have to take his son somewhere and if there was no childcare he would have to stay home with his son.

Again none if this is his fault, and he was 5!

Your issue is DH refusing to set boundaries with is ex, not the 8 year old. tell your HUSBAND to pull his finger out adjust the contact schedule and stop being a wimp.

All 8 year olds are awful (unless you are their mother) but they get much better by about 10. If DH can insist on having DSS in the week for 2/4 weeks and 2/4 weekends that might be good because DSS comes to you each weekend wound up with excitement. It sounds like he gets no fun or stimulation with his mother in the week. Every weekend is a treat, whereas if you had him in the school week you might be able to get into a bit more of a routine and he might be a bit calmer generally. There also seems to be an issue that DH is letting his ex dictate as to how you run your lives. This must change. Take a step back and recognize that your feelings towards DSS are not about him but the circumstances and try to change those and to be kinder to him. I have been a stepmother for 25 years and it has been tough but you can make it work.

You need to accept that you are jealous that your husband has other children. You don’t actually hate him, you hate that your husband has children other than the ones he shares with you. Then own that and try to manage it. If you can be a bit selfless, you’ll be able to see that having an older sibling will be an amazing thing for your child, a gift really, and you can give them the room to build a fantastic relationship.