I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

"EVERY weekend?"

Fuck me, imagine having your children EVERY weekend

The comments are in shock the mother never spends any time with her child not the other way 🙄

Fair enough. The DH would have to be a complete and utter idiot to not have seen the tension building. Like so many men who can't stand up to their mother's, to everybody's detriment, it's almost more pathetic when they can't stand up to their ex-wives. Anything for an easy life even if that is making the actual wife and ALL the children miserable.

Sure OP should check herself, I am saying she should force responsibility onto the actual responsible person, rather than an 8 year old lad, who is wanted by nobody at present.

Imagine a mother choosing never to spend quality time with her son.
Imagine someone denying a father the right to be with their baby as they nearly die, because they can't ever be bothered to spend time with their son.

OK, OP, you don't want your son to be put in the position with another woman that your poor dss is with you right now, so it is time you change your tack with the wee one.

Fake it till you make it as the saying goes. He is with you more than with his own mum. He will be a much nicer child when he is secure in your love.

You want a second child but resent an 8 year old for needing a room at their OWN dad’s.

He was only 5 when your son was born.

You knew what you were getting into. This is a you problem- not a problem with the child. Get a bloody grip, or leave your DH so at least he can parent both his children in peace instead of having to choose his youngest…’because his youngest is yours’.

My comments weren't.

My comments relate to the fact the OP thinks it's outrageous that her husband's child spends every weekend with his father.

The husband's second child gets to spend every week with its father. Why shouldn't her husband's first child spend every weekend with his father too?

If her Dh weren’t the issue they would just book a holiday and go. If they are overseas until Saturday his mum will have to keep him for Saturday, she can’t drop him at an empty house. Or let him go on the holiday.
but this poor little boy is not the problem.

You’re annoyed with the adults in your stepsons life and you are taking it out on him. It’s not fair. You need some therapy to work through this rage and hatred of a totally normal child who has done nothing wrong. You’re making him pay for the actions of others! If you break up your precious 3 year old child’s family because you can’t grow up and sort out your misplaced anger then you are putting your own needs before your childs and not being a good parent.

You only hate it because he isn't biologically yours. Nothing wrong with the kid from what you've written. You just hate being a stepmum. You want a perfect little nuclear family and you can't stand that it's otherwise.

This is on you. You shouldn't have married someone with a kid. I was never interested in being a stepmum and never dated men with kids. Don't blame anyone but yourself.

Your poor DSS.

@holywow what's really telling to me is this manifested after you had your own DS, maybe a bit of post natal/ptsd from his birth complications and you're struggling to stop the resentment for DSS because of how the adults behaved when your son and you effectively were treated? Might be worth having a mooch over that as an option? Kids from about 6 to 9 are annoying anyway, I personally love that age but I think I'm annoying so it balances out 😂
I was a stepmother and at times hated it, the kids were difficult and had no involved mothers. ExH was utterly shite as a parent, MiL was an overbearing fucker. Anyway the dsc seemed to hate me, then xh and I split and they asked to continue living with me, to my shock.
And I parented them my way, I was very young and they were older kids, but they became so much nicer, harder working, pleasant and actually very sweet kids. Turns out they did want boundaries and routine, to be called out for dickish behaviour, to be praised for their good qualities. I think previous posters have nailed it when they've said your possibly resent the lack of parenting towards your dss as opposed to him personally?
Nothing you've described is his fault, but rather the way you and ds are secondary to dss mothers wishes. I was lucky, my dsc had different mothers (I know, he was a Prince!) And neither involved due to xh overbearing family and drug and alcohol issues etc, so whilst it was more difficult being a mum so young to kids who'd been barely parented, I didn't have the added involvement of my time being dictated by someone else.

If you do genuinely however truly dislike dss and it's not the circumstances he brings to your life, you do need to leave and simply refuse every weekend for xh to have ds, eow and 2 nights a week or something.

It's not an older kid for your sim, it's his brother

God forbid he has his ds 8 nights out of 30. Best to limit that to 4 out of 30.

Just want to say I hear you and am on your side.

Read or listen to the book stepmonster. The title is ironic and it will really help you understand how/why you feel this way.

homestly though, you have a DP problem (can’t and won’t stand up to ex). DSS sounds like he’s unwanted by his mother and his father doesn’t put in place any boundaries. I suggest you sit your DP down and talk to him about the consequences of putting DSS first all the time and his Disney parenting of him. Focus on that not on DSS and his behaviour as I promise your resentment is actually due to your DPs behaviour.

If you want to stay and things like holidays are still and issue then I suggest you start putting your son first and telling DP to lump it if he can’t face the hassle of arguing with his ex or going to court to go on things like holidays which are perfectly reasonable.

Also, if you split up no he wouldn’t have to go every weekend to his dad and you could even argue contact needs to be at a different time to DSS due to their poor relationship and his bullying of him (you would need a lot of evidence of this though I would imagine).

But this is just how boys behave. Play fighting is what they do. Your own ds will probably do it as well as he gets older! I really don't understand why you can't see that your stepson doesn't have any control over his life at all. He's not the one depriving you of holidays.

His life sounds more miserable than yours. He spends weekdays with a mother who puts him to bed early so that she doesn't have to bother with him and weekends with a stepmom who hates him.

‘But this is just how boys behave’ - no it’s not if they’re properly parented and bullying of their younger sibling isn’t tolerated.

i completely agree with your second paragraph and I think his mother’s rejection of him is probably the cause of his behaviour, but it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.

I've got 4 boys, much older. They always used to wind each other up and annoy each other . We had one or two full on fistycuffs. Its par for the course. They now are grown up and 2 are pretty much best friends. One not so much, and one is younger but still they all love each other fiercely and would do anything for each other, and for me. Brothers are often , IME, very close. So don't let your hatred spoil what could be one of the strongest relationships in both these young boys lives.
Also, the 3 oldest had a stepdad from very young. There were lots of teenage dramas, but now they stay up late laughing and drinking and playing cards with him, whilst I sidle off to bed.
If at all possible hang in there, even if you have to pretend to be nice, otherwise accept that your DS will have a stepmum too.
Do not stay if you can't make yourself treat your DSC kindly.
I will suggest again 50/50.

OP, ignore the people saying you “need to leave your husband immediately.” Maybe this situation is salvageable and maybe it isn’t, but I don’t think you’ll be able to figure that out without some serious couples counseling with your husband.

I think your husband and his ex-wife are the ones you’re really angry with. You feel they’re prioritizing your stepson over your son every time the two boys’ needs compete. I don’t think you want to feel like this. You’ve got a lot bubbling under the surface, and being angry with your stepson feels safer than being angry with your husband or his ex.

This whole situation needs therapy before anyone starts making life-altering decisions.

Oh and pp. Girls are just as capable of being nasty to siblings. Believe me. I grew up with an older sister who was definitely not kind at times. It's not a boy or girl thing. It's a sibling thing. Just like people who spend all day together at work, housemates, some get along some don't.
But with siblings, they didn't choose to grow up with this person. The difference is the innate love that (hopefully) siblings have for each other.

Agree with the above. This is what children do and it’s how they learn to resolve conflict. Yes DS is little but it’s an opportunity to help them both learn how to manage emotions and talk about what is bothering them. There will be a reason DSS is doing this beyond whatever labels you’re pinning on him.

Yes, this is very true as well. What the Op describes in the behaviour of her stepson doesn't sound like 'bullying'. Kids can be irritating because they aren't emotionally mature yet. You can't and shouldn't expect them to behave like adults.

The way your dss is acting is likely largely to how he is being treated. He knows his mum doesn’t want him around and he knows you don’t either. He is bound to feel absolutely lousy about himself become increasingly damaged as a result. Your dh doesn’t know how to handle all of this either and is overcompensating by allowing his ds to run riot.

What the ex wife does is out of your control. What you do is in your control. And what your dh does, if he will listen, can be helped by you too.

I strongly suggest you get therapy for yourself alone to untangle your feelings. You seem to feel put upon, like your ds is second best due to the trauma surrounding his birth and are projecting your feelings onto a young child. I know 8 and even 5 seems old when you look at your ds. But 8 really is still a young child. And it’s not too late to turn this around.

I would also suggest getting a family therapist / child psychologist. They will help to change the dynamic. They will give you the tools to work as a family, with your dss rather than against him. They will teach your dh to be a better parent, to put boundaries in place and understand why he’s been so reluctant thus far.

I know all off this because we’ve used a child psychologist with dd when she was about 6. Her behaviour was very difficult and it was a reaction to discovering I am / was ill and very different from the other mums. It was an enriching experience and definitely taught me to parent dd better. Another plus side of this would be your ds would also benefit from the process, which will be far less damaging and cheaper than separating and divorce.

Right now your dss needs love and reassurance. If that means your dh sleeping in the same bed with him atm, that’s absolutely fine. Plenty of parents co sleep with children at this age. I did with dd, between the ages of about 7 and 11.

You’re going to have to formulate a shared parenting agreement on the basis that different modes of parenting are impacting both boys negatively and are causing confusion.

And you need to change the custody arrangement to either one week on one week off or one week you have week days and the next week end (which effectively amounts to the same thing).

It isn’t fair for him to be dumped on you every weekend and he needs social time with his mother.

Go through the court if necessary.

Have another baby. DSS shares a room when he visits or you get a bigger house or extension.

Go on holiday. It is unreasonable for her to dictate that you can’t go away for a week when she is.

All of this is down to a passive aggressive, dictatorial, selfish and jealous bitch.

Right now she is winning and you are letting her!!

Again take it through the court if you need to because the current arrangement is not conducive to you parenting your own child effectively.

Try and enjoy your step son again and do some activities with him, this is really not his fault.

Your husband needs to grow a pair!

ffs it is 'bear' not 'bare'. Just leave, you sound incapable of self insight and this is the best course of action. At least you will have the 'lived experience' and tools when your own child becomes some stepmother's nightmare.