I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

I think you are having a hard time ebcaus epeople mlike to pile on on step mums.

Your anger should be directed at the mum and I think it spills over DSS.
Your other issue is your crappy husband, who is indecisive and can;t communicate effectively with his ex. There are no healthy boundaries here, she is using the kid as a human shield, and you and your child are collateral.

I think you need to have a hard conversation with your husband and see what would be best- either you and your son leave, or he needs to set up some boundaries and makes sure no one misses out. So you get to take the odler boy away for a week, and if not, go without and she does not have a right to bitch. She needs to learn she is responsible for her own poor decisions, not you or your DH. But if your DH remains a doormat, you need to pack up and leave because the toxic ex will ruin your relationship sooner rather than later anyways.

Between you, your DH, ex wife and step son, there's only one person there that doesn't deserve your hatred of them. The kid hasn't done anything wrong. You other three though .......

When you married your partner you married into being part of his sons life. You’ve upturned his life and yet you’re the one wanting sympathy.

Leave And hope to god your next partner doesn’t treat your own son exactly the same way as you treat this poor boy. He deserves better.

Totally agree. 👏🏻

I’m always surprised when people are surprised that a stepmum looks out for her own child. What’s so shocking about it?

Most of the time she’s the only one looking out for them anyway, because her husband is too busy putting his PFB on a pedestal 🤷🏼‍♀️. The in laws are too busy showing more attention to the grandchildren from their son’s first marriage. The ex wife is too busy sticking her oar in and telling the stepmum she can’t do xyz because it’s on unfair on her PFB.

So is it any wonder really why stepmums become protective over their babies? Thankfully stepmums usually also have their side of the family which is good for their children but seems to cause further anger to everyone else (the husband, his parents, his ex) because they don’t like the younger ones getting any attention that the older ones might not be getting. And so the protectiveness from the stepmum continues…

You knew your DH had a son when you married him. He's a little boy and you have an overwhelming number of negative feelings towards him. All of the things you mentioned such as having to ask his mother's permission, busier house at the weekend, limited space, step son asking Daddy for things (he's not going to come to you as he probably senses your dislike of him!) is actually very normal and part of a busy family life. The problem is with you and you need to find the help you need to be kind to this little boy who has done nothing to make you hate him.

Love this response! 100% bang on

No its not. Why on earth is dad having to ask for mums permission to do normal every day things like going on holiday

Exactly what @funinthesun19 said ! What a pile on.
OP, the anger should be towards your husband and his ex but I can see why you’re so frustrated by everything. It’s like your child is getting the leftovers depending on what your husbands ex slows. That’s not fair.
Plus every weekend? I can’t imagine not seeing my son every weekend…!

Why do people keep saying things like "you knew he had a child when you got married". It's such a pointless thing to say. I knew lots of things about my husband when I married him. Doesn't make them easier to deal with.

theres not much you can say to justify your feelings towards your dss.

All the things you describe are pretty typical of an 8yo.

I feel so sorry for the poor thing.

I don't think these people are surprised I think they just want to have a go at stepmums as they think the dsc (the dad's first born) was there first and want to over compensate for the whole "broken home" thing. They over egg the impact of it without taking into account the impact of them staying together would have been worse.

Exactly. It boils down to the fact that disagreeable people shouldn't marry someone who already has a child. If you know that you are the sort of person who wants everything your own way, don't take that on.

The reality is that the stepchild was here first. And actually, if his dad was the sort of person who dropped him when he had another baby with someone else, he'd be a loser that you wouldn't want to be with anyway.

But you don't have to marry someone who already has a child. Lots of people choose not to because they know they are quite selfish and don't want to have stepchildren as part of their family.

I really want to share something with you and hope that you’ll listen.

I won’t go into details other than to say my dad was a terrible dad to my older sister. He treated her callously and without thought. He remarried and had another child and if I’m honest almost acted like she didn’t really exist (she was a young adult). If I was her, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. His behaviour was appalling and even 40 years on I cannot even begin to comprehend it. I was a baby, and grew into an adult who has so much empathy for her and would do anything to take her pain away.

Guess what? She hates me. Despises me. Has done since I was a tiny child, I have memories of things she said, that should never be said to any child.

Guess what? She doesn’t hate our dad.

But guess what? I can see that deep down she doesn’t really hate me, nobody can hate an innocent baby. She hates the situation, she hates the fact I exist but ALL of this hurt, anger and pain (for her, and for me) comes from the fact that OUR DAD failed her. I didn’t fail her. Our dad did. And my god I have told him so, so many times.

But she’s protecting her own heart, and can’t face this because that truth is the most hard to deal with. He did this because he’s a cold person. But to face that is to face it and know that her parent cares so little for her, so subconsciously she protects herself and puts all of the blame on me. It’s projecting and that’s what you’re doing to this poor boy.

Your HUSBAND is the one who’s letting you all down, and that’s causing these awful feelings in you (and I’m saying this as someone who has been and continues to be on the receiving end of these unjustified feelings of projected anger and hate). Please, please deal with the real cause, and don’t let this hate consume you. You don’t want to confront it because it’s painful to face the fact that he’s weak willed and cowardly. Both children are missing out due to his inability to stand up and do the right thing. He’s failing you, he’s failing the children.

I grew up with a much older half sibling who hates me, my parents never made us feel like family etc etc. They haven’t suffered for it, they’re happy. I feel every day how much I missed out, how much I would have loved a real relationship with my sister and how my dad’s actions and the trauma that caused her robbed me all of that. Please think of that.

So if you had a child that goes to your ex-DH every weekend, you wouldn't want to be asked if they're taking him on holiday etc? You would be happy with your child going to your DH's new family and being hated by the new partner? Permission needs to be sought because the child has a mother and she should be asked. It is obvious that if you marry a man with a child, there will be another woman in tow who is attached to her child and has a right to know where her child is and where he's going. That's part of marrying a man who has a child with another woman and that is responsible parenting.

@Serendipity888 do you not expect a level of reasonableness from the mother though? She literally calls all of the shots in their life and gets to veto everything they do.

@saltnvini but can you imagine being this 8yo having to go to his dad’s every weekend where the other adult in the house despises him and doesn’t want him there. How do you think that makes him feel? In the current situation that child needs more consideration than the OP

I think MN is the worst place a SM can post when she feels like this as the site is notorious for piling onto step mothers.

I just wanted to say, I hear you OP. It's shit.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 Of course! This is about the adults, not the children. The DH has a responsibility to make life easier by talking to his ex and listening to the feeling of his wife who is struggling. However, now that the OP has acknowledged her feelings towards her stepchild, she has to communicate that to her DH and hopefully together they can find a way forward.

Yeah but the mum wasn't a pain in the arse until OP had her own child. The kid wasn't an annoying 7/8 year old when they got married.

If it's dad's contact time it should be a matter of informing her they are going on holiday as a politeness. Why would he need permission?

Thank you for sharing this.

I've only recently started to realise how some people really really struggle to fuck off their shitty parents or partners even when they absolutely should. I guess because I can't relate. And then, since they can't put the blame where it belongs, they have to displace it on to the children. It's awful but it's so common that I have to accept there is a strong human thing in there even if I'm an outlier to it and don't feel it myself.

We say on here a lot that fathers can be terrible for prioritising their personal lives over their kids but I think mothers also very often put their choice of man, however inexplicable, over their kids as well.

I didn't say the child didn't need consideration did I. It's not one or the other.

But most 7/8yos can be annoying. Will OP hate her own child when they get to that age. OP is projecting her anger to the wrong person and that child will be damaged because of all the adults’ behaviour in his life if it carries on

She doesn't have a right to know where her child is at all times no.