I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

What a ridiculous and childish thing to say. What 7 year old is the same as an adult?

What you are also conveniently forgetting, here is that the Op knew this little boy from when he was 2 years old so she was happy to spend quality time with him until she had her bio child.

Yes OP may not have know that. It's ok to be like oh help this is an annoying age help what do I do?

But she is right SC are NOT more important. It is her DH that needs to get his head round the children being treated the same in his home and not pander to the ex so much. I don't know how that makes the OP spiteful. If anything the OP seems self aware that she knows she shouldn't be feeling like this about the 8 year old and I think just needs redirecting back to the issue is with the ex and her DH's handling of the ex.

I really feel for you. It sounds to me like you have PTSD from your son's birth and almost losing him, compounded with your DSS being pushed at you from that time when you both should have been with your baby. You now have a visceral reaction to him because of this.

I also had a NICU baby transferred to hospital in another part of the country so we moved there, we were prepared to lose the baby for weeks. Our eldest stayed with my Mum. So I know the terror you would have felt and how you are probably still feeling now.

Can you access counselling?

But not in the week?

Yes, because step parents hating their stepchildren will cause them to grow up into damaged adults. Adults have agency over their lives. 8 year old children don't.

But you know that the child is always going to be around. So you need to think very carefully - that's a human life in your hands

So not pointless. If you're not really up for it, don't do it.

This, this, this.

That poor poor little 8 year old boy. Imagine being hated by the person you have to spend every weekend with.

But the op can imagine it. She can imagine it very well for her own precious boy, imagine it well enough to make sure he doesn't have to go through it. But absolutely dss can. He can be the whipping boy.

You are behaving abhorrently selfishly here op. All of your decisions to date have been crazily selfish, but the one to not leave is the worst.

You are not cut out to step parent. And, that is fine. I'm not either. But you made the choice to be one. And now there's a little boy who is being treated appallingly by you (your hatred of him is palpable).

You need to do the right thing now for this 8yo. Either seek counselling to learn that none of this is his fault. Or leave.

It really really does pass quickly. I met mine when she was 7 she is now coming up 23. You will find when the child hits about 12 they may want to stay with their
Mates more.

Presumably she did think about it but didn't know mum was going to turn into an arse. It's really patronising to suggest she didn't think about it. It's ok to find things hard.

An incredibly childish and ridiculous post, yes. Complaining that an eight year old sides with his mother and expecting him to grasp the affair. Deciding she'd hate him as an adult...Well there's a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one. And putting it all down to "personality" rather than a child responding to huge upheaval. But the girl was pleasing to the poster and her choices, so the girl is just inherently superior with a better personality. You can really see how golden child/scapegoat dynamics form and you can really see how it fucks up both kids. And the adults who created the situation will never see their hand in it.

Why do so many adults expect children to be more emotionally mature and accommodating than they themselves are?

@Moro93the irony is that all your posts are full of hate and spite.

The OP shouldn't be a mum to the SC. He has a mum. Ops is essentially like that of a nanny. Its a child centred job where you do the best for the child. Only the Op doesn't get paid, doesn't like the contract and is unable to change it.

If a change to the every weekend arrangement doesn't happen I would say move out. You don't have to separate your relationship, he can still be your partner. He can come over and stay with you and have his son on his own. Watch how quickly every weekend finishes when you move out too.

I do hope that there are some first wives who realise that when you make your exh life a fucking misery through an insane need for control and through spite that it will very possibly result in a real change in how people feel about YOUR child.

the baggage is the exW. She needs to be told firmly that she can’t and won’t call the shots anymore and that things will change.

it is very possible that @holywow has PTSD from her experiences and a HUGE amount of that was compounded by the exW.

the fact that op is here asking for help shows us all that she isn’t an evil anything, she’s struggling and knows it’s not right but doesn’t know how to fix it.

the answer is DH. He needs to grow up and take control of this situation

That is a VERY good point.

Presumably she did think about it but didn't know mum was going to turn into an arse. It's really patronising to suggest she didn't think about it. It's ok to find things hard.

Well put @saltnvini

Why do so many adults expect children to be more emotionally mature and accommodating than they themselves are?

Because it's easier for them to use defenceless children as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues than it is for them to act like an adult. It is not ok. There are plenty of us who've received that kind of treatment from our own parents. An adult has the choice not to continue that cycle.

Finding things hard is one thing. Hating a child as much as the OP hates her step son is incredibly toxic and sad.

You're conveniently ignoring the fact OP's husband has 2 children. Why shouldn't both his children be with him at the weekend?

The fact the OP doesn't like that is completely irrelevant. She chose to hitch her wagon to a man who was already a parent. There are any number of reasons which could result in the step child being there all the time

the fact that op is here asking for help shows us all that she isn’t an evil anything, she’s struggling and knows it’s not right but doesn’t know how to fix it.

Is that true?

OP, look back over your posts and see where all your grievances are actually directed. Who actually has agency and control in this whole situation? Who has really been acting to disrupt your life? Who should have been a buffer but isn't?

Do you still think the child is the problem?

The ex wife in this situation is also pathetic and is being unreasonable too. Another adult acting like a baby.

I never can understand why people are territorial about their exes to the point that they think they own them even after they split up. I have a 4 year old and her dad has two children in their 20s. Their mum is fuming that he had the audacity to have a child with someone else. Even though she's remarried. My daughter's dad is as bad. He's angry that his ex wife has taken photos of him down and put up photos of her new husband. It's incomprehensible to me.

Without telling a long winded story, i pin point this resentment starting at the end of my pregnancy when I wasn’t well and the DSS mum kicking off about DH being in hospital with me one weekend rather than with DH. Then again when my DS was born and was in NICU and the ex told my DH she still expected him to pick DSS up and she didn’t give a toss our new baby was in intensive care because it was our turn to have DSS. And again when DS had to be admitted to hospital with breathing problems and MIL telling dh that he needed to leave hospital to collect DSS before he has another meltdown and the ex wife boots off.
that was when I started to think, why on earth are step children more important EVEN in these circumstances????
You are blaming and essentially hating an 8 year for the behaviour of his mother. That is really fucked up. You need to get therapy or leave, maybe both.

No it's not patronising. The OP quite obviously didn't think seriously about it. If the mother is an "arse" she's not the only one.

So not only does DSS have a step mum who hates him for his mother's actions, he also has a mum who couldn't be bothered with him. He gets to feel unwanted everywhere he lives. Please get some therapy and try and work through this and if you can't leave. That child doesn't deserve what either of you are putting him through.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 thats is dreadful. To think that contact can be so tightly controlled even when the child is an adult at 20! That takes bitterness to a new level and can’t be healthy for anyone involved

This is so simple and true.

Why are people doing mental gymnastics to prove otherwise. I genuinely don't get it.