DP and contact with his ex

[mirroracle]

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

They are still entangled and you deserve so much better.

Make this year you put yourself first! Your future self will thank you.

If last Christmas was the keeping the family together one last time, they haven't been split that long and then you moved in 5 months ago. You must have met eachother quite quickly after they split up. It all sounds very quick for some trying to move on and coparent and you say he was devastated at splitting up. The messaging of leave it if you don't like it worries me as he isn't exactly fighting to save your relationship. Sounds to me like he still has romantic feelings for her even if doesn't want to admit himself. Yes it is important he co parents, and it sounds like he could step up more/adjust his work so that he has child more. All these things are flags as to why I think you need to move on. It doesn't sound like he will change, and is not someone you should have kids with!

This. She will.always be part of your relationship as she's the mother of his child. If you cant accept then you need to leave

He's just told me to leave if I have a problem.

This, OP. Do this.

It sounds like he enjoys the frequent contact with her, and it sounds a bit unnecessary.

I left my EXDP, and now co-parent with him; he has the DC every other weekend and some holidays.

We rarely message between visits. It's only if something changes with regard to the DC contact, and never about any other subject.

He also rings them on my phone perhaps once a week, and I let the DC answer that call; I don't even speak to him!

He needs to set clear boundaries and make them known whether that be ignore her when she talks about stuff different to their child or completely ignoring her after a certain time of evening or even actually ringing or messaging her about it and being as nice as possible and just sahijd they need to stop and things. He needs to do that for your relationship. Im the same my partners got a 10 year old with his own phone and there’s been several times I’m laying there at 9/10 at night and her name pops up on his phone. He ignores it though but still I totally understand where your coming from
and agre with you. It’s like they’ve never broken the normal contact and can’t just communicate about their child.

Y
Y

So some important facts

How old are you and him
How long have you been together
How old is the child
How long have they been split up?

I text my ex quite frequently about our child who has special needs. It’s all about stuff we do together/are deciding together to help him. I do keep it brief and during daytime hours and if not time sensitive I put it in an email. I treat him as I would a colleague. I respect my ex has a partner and a life and always try to think whether the communication is socially acceptable.

Your partner and his ex when it comes to children are colleagues.

I ask my partner to keep that boundary with his ex. She is unlikely to contact him herself late into the night but seems to encourage the children to do it or at least permits them to. I’ve asked for him not to answer messages from them after 9pm on mum’s days or to quickly establish it is not an emergency and say goodbye. It’s his ‘day off’ and it is therefore the work of the exw to get kids to bed without them asking daddy to comfort them, read them an extra story. I don’t do my colleagues’ work when I’m on holiday so.

@Stepmumptsd

i agree with the mother not being able to contact him after certain hours but you’re trying to tell your partner not to talk to his kids at night?

my child’s dad who is an ass let’s his son ring as and when he wants and always would. I’d never get in the way of that. My problem is the mums communication and boundaries not his child’s so I feel your wrong for not wanting them to contact on “ mums days” a parent should be and needs to be present at all times it’s his day off because he’s not physically caring for them but a phone call does no harm. That’s one thing you shouldn’t be putting boundaries on.

For all
tbose that say think of the kids. It doesn’t impact the kids when the kids are asleep of a night and the mum Or dad is hassling the other parent.

Wow that's cold. Kids should always feel they can contact either parent.

And no we're not all colleagues 😂 some of us are great friends.

There are no hard and fast rules here, just what you feel you are willing to accept.

For me, them doing Christmas activities together would be fine, if I was invited too (whether or not I chose to go would be a different conversation). However, if you're not invited, then that's a red flag to me. Why not?

She is unlikely to contact him herself late into the night but seems to encourage the children to do it or at least permits them to. I’ve asked for him not to answer messages from them after 9pm on mum’s days or to quickly establish it is not an emergency and say goodbye. It’s his ‘day off’ and it is therefore the work of the exw to get kids to bed without them asking daddy to comfort them, read them an extra story. I don’t do my colleagues’ work when I’m on holiday so.

😳

As ever, MN is a window into another world I’m glad I don’t inhabit.

You don’t get days off parenting.

This isn't the relationship for you.

You'll just be resentful, as there will continue to be a need for them to communicate... and trying to limit him to only talking about their child, makes it transactional and business like.

Find a man without kids.

Does he / you have a new partner?

Its just not necessary to contact an ex regularly. If a new partner is involved then there needs to be boundaries.

Agree with this

@harryclr Of course there is, they share a child and might still be good friends.

But they have a contact schedule, they decided to have a child together but then not be together, the consequence of that is that you wont see your children everyday. Unless its an emergency then jts not necessary.

If no other partners are involved then by all means, continue to chat but if you've decided to be with someone else then their needs and boundaries need to be heard.

Please leave

Please do have Children . I did in your situation and it is hell we are not together . He puts his first children far above me and is still on his exes side not mine .

Don’t

"He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child."

Well, he's told you what he thinks of you!

You should probably end it as this doesn't sound like a healthy situation (and you're clearly less important than her).