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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and contact with his ex

153 replies

mirroracle · 17/01/2024 22:34

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LetMeOut2021 · 18/01/2024 14:27

My DH certainly talks to his ex but only to discuss his child. It took a bit of work on his part to reset boundaries back to where he was comfortable, but ultimately HE also wanted that.

If a blended family set up is to work you have to feel respected, you have to be comfortable with the relationship between the two parents. Blended families are hard work and being a step Mum is just not rewarding, so your OH better be shit hot for it to be worth it and treat you like an absolute queen. It already sounds like he has his ex on a bit of podium and there’s a love triangle going on. Leave them both to it, it won’t improve.

Original poster
mirroracle · 18/01/2024 14:27

This rings so true @Poppy128xx

I think if we were on the same page about it, then it wouldn't be so much of an issue.

When we spoke about he said he'd not responded to her how she'd liked him to etc and how he 'could have' gone down that route basically.

Am I supposed to be thankful that you've not done this, it should be a given.

She actually does have a new partner, and although I don't know the ins and outs, we had to be in the same room as them for a few hours recently and all seemed fine. This is another concern, if she's like this now, I can see her really rocking the boat if something isn't going right in her life

OP posts:
LetMeOut2021 · 18/01/2024 14:31

This is another concern, if she's like this now, I can see her really rocking the boat if something isn't going right in her life.

My DH’s ex is like this. She pops up like a wirey hair on your chin, demanding attention, always when she’s fallen out with a BF. DH will get a message asking for something and we both say “they’re on the rocks” it’s become so predictable. When her love life is going well she doesn’t wanna know my DH.

Original poster
mirroracle · 18/01/2024 14:37

@LetMeOut2021

He is generally a great person, level headed, polite, head screwed on. He's an amazing dad when he has his DC, genuinely does want the best for them.

I know he is trying, we've had discussions around boundaries in the past and I know that the contact with the ex has reduced significantly since we became serious.

Since moving in together, I just feel like it's affecting me more as I have zero 'escape'. I'm probably voicing my opinions a bit more as well to be honest, we're living together, it affects me and I think I should be able to have an input.

Not sure if relevant but I'm also 6 years younger than him. Although I've had long term relationships, this is a huge jump for me. I've expressed this to him, I perhaps was a bit naive going into the relationship not thinking thoroughly what it would entail and compromises I would have to make.

OP posts:
LetMeOut2021 · 18/01/2024 14:41

Something that helps me is DH generally speaks to his ex when he’s in the car (he drives alot for work) and so it’s rare I actually overhear a conversation. It feels a bit intrusive in your home, I do understand.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 18/01/2024 14:45

Saying “leave if you don’t like it” = you don’t matter one ounce. I don’t actually care about feelings and will carry on doing what I like.

I strongly advise you to leave based on this alone. Lift your standards for what you’re prepared to accept.

CardinalCat · 18/01/2024 14:46

DocOck · 18/01/2024 09:31

I divorced my ex several years ago but we still have regular contact, maybe 4-5 times a week? And our kids are late teens (though I've actually found this is the time we've needed more contact). It's mostly about the kids but we will swerve into other topics. We don't hate each other, we certainly don't do anything together, but there's no reason not to be friendly, we were together for 15 years.

I'm in a similar boat.
Even though my ex does drive me mad sometimes I think it's very important that the DC see that we have a friendship as well as our basic co-parenting interactions. Neither of us have new partners but if/when we do, I hope they will be secure and accepting people who understand that we are friends and we have pre existing obligations to act in the best interests of the DC. I would never choose a partner who tried to control my communications or contact with my ex- apart from being quite needy (which would shrivel up my vulva instantaneously in any event) there is a veiled implication that they do not trust me to communicate with the father of my DC in the way that I see best.

OP I don't think you're in the wrong as such here - you need somebody who doesn't have this level of complication on their life and/or who will do as you say. That is not your DP, and now you have done the pick me dance and he has picked the current arrangement. So I think you can only leave.

Therealjudgejudy · 18/01/2024 14:51

The fact he told you to leave if you don't like it rings huge alarm bells

DocOck · 18/01/2024 14:54

Don't forget OP that the majority of posters saying this wouldn't bother them, are the ex wives, and those saying this isn't healthy & will create later issues are the step-mum's...so listen carefully as we talk from experience.

I am an ex-wife and a new-wife to someone with an ex-wife (and a step-mum, and my children have a step-mum) so I see this from all angles.

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 15:30

DocOck · 18/01/2024 14:54

Don't forget OP that the majority of posters saying this wouldn't bother them, are the ex wives, and those saying this isn't healthy & will create later issues are the step-mum's...so listen carefully as we talk from experience.

I am an ex-wife and a new-wife to someone with an ex-wife (and a step-mum, and my children have a step-mum) so I see this from all angles.

Yep. I'm on the side of involving exes (as long as they're not narcs etc)
I'm both an ex who gets on really well with my ex who is married now, and have new husband who has ex wife and kids with her. It's lovely to all get on, the kids love the shared time
Sometimes adults get so bogged down in animosities and jealousy.

baileys6904 · 18/01/2024 17:32

Poppy128xx · 18/01/2024 14:02

This with bells on.

Don't forget OP that the majority of posters saying this wouldn't bother them, are the ex wives, and those saying this isn't healthy & will create later issues are the step-mum's...so listen carefully as we talk from experience.

Relationships with men who already have kids can absolutely work, but only and I mean only if the child's dad is on the same page as you & has his boundaries already clearly set with the ex.

As much as I don't have any issues with my DP's ex now, at the start of our relationship she did struggle to accept him moving on. The fact that you say she then went on to explain to your DP about an issue without being asked says it all really. I remember a few years back when DSD's mum asked him to have DSD an extra night as she had a hospital appointment (fine) and DP responded exactly that. But then que at pick up the next day when he got a load of abuse from her saying why didn't he care & ask about her hospital appointment! He was very stern at that point and clearly pointed out to her that they weren't in a relationship anymore and she has no right to be acting that way....she eventually got the message (when she found a new partner) and things have been absolutely fine since and I can go to school plays etc without any worry or tension. But I do wonder if DP haven't been firm & clear how she would still be acting towards him to this day...

Show quote history

Nope, not the ex wife.

I'm the step mother

Is this you generalising again, without substance?

baileys6904 · 18/01/2024 17:38

OP, Your boundaries are your boundaries. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. FWIW I think he's being an arsehole by promising things that he's not delivering.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/01/2024 21:37

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 09:42

@Viewfrommyhouse @Spirallingdownwards
That's one way of doing things, but there are many. It's becoming more common for exes to still get on and do things as a family, Christmas and holidays are good examples. They will always be a family.

They will always be two people who had a child. They won't always be a family.

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 22:02

@Spirallingdownwards Nah. Depends on the people.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/01/2024 22:04

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 22:02

@Spirallingdownwards Nah. Depends on the people.

If you say so. But they really aren't.

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 22:30

@Spirallingdownwards But many really are.

bobomomo · 18/01/2024 22:33

You would hate us op - my ex texts me a picture of the dog each day and how he is, when he's with me I do the same - we rarely text about the human children Grin (they are adults and can operate their own phones unlike ddog)

QueenBitch666 · 18/01/2024 23:17

Definitely leave

Codlingmoths · 18/01/2024 23:24

mirroracle · 18/01/2024 13:55

@Illpickthatup

I know he would like to have his child more, the logistics just don't work however.

I would also rather it was a couple of days in the week and every other weekend as I'm sure DSC's mother would as it'd mean she'd also get to have the weekend rather than Monday-Friday which is most likely taken up with rushing about and routine.

I try not to voice my opinion as I'm not a parent myself and it's unsolicited but for contact during the week he would need to have a better routine. DP leaves for work very early during the week, dropping off in the morning would make him late to work. In addition to this, there isn't much of a bedtime routine set up, on a Sunday DC can still be up at 10pm which is obviously too late. DSC also doesn't sleep through well, and will not sleep in own bed, gets up in night etc. This impacts on me as I also leave for work around 6am.

Ok so he’s a crappy dad, that’s what I read here. A good dad observes a bedtime routine. And parents all over the world negotiate work to parent their child. I start a bit late after dropping my kids, Dh leaves a bit early to collect them. Has he even asked work if he can start late one day a week and make it up the next day so his child can stay overnight? Or is actually parenting too hard, since his child would need a bedtime routine…

BayCityCoaster · 18/01/2024 23:25

Honestly OP, I really don’t think you’re cut out for this.

No judgement - I wouldn’t be either, and I suspect I’m a fair bit older than you! It’s probably because I have DC, that I know I would never date a man with young children. And I’d definitely never date a man with young children who has an unresolved relationship with his ex.

You say you think you’ve been naive.

Kindly, I think you have been. Love is blind, as they say. It’s all skipping through the tulips in the early days as you fall for each other. And then, the boring, day-to-day realities and practicalities set in.

Telling him not to text minutiae and to save that up for when the hand-over takes place is just 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can never have that level of control over another person - or, if you try to, you will be constantly (literally constantly) disappointed and living on edge.

It’s no way to be.

As I said upthread, there are zillions more fish in the sea. Toss this one back, and hook one without so much baggage.

It will be a lot easier and more enjoyable, and you can enjoy all the special firsts together.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/01/2024 23:46

Floofydawg · 18/01/2024 11:03

They're doing Christmas related activities together? That's not remotely normal. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's still hung up on her.

It is perfectly normal if you co-parent amicably. Most of my friends do stuff together with their ex husbands. I think it's healthy and far better for the children.

LetMeOut2021 · 19/01/2024 09:58

Disturbia81 · 18/01/2024 22:30

@Spirallingdownwards But many really are.

If they want to be a family they should stay together and not invite other people into the mix.

Disturbia81 · 19/01/2024 11:16

@LetMeOut2021 But they might not work as a couple any more.
Ah well this way works for many, doesn't work for others.
Such is life 😊

beachcitygirl · 20/01/2024 02:22

OP, kindly if this bothers you, this relationship will not last.
There is a world of hurt ahead. Either trust him & get on board the train or
Get off at the next station. Some people's age some
Don't. Neither of
Them are doing anything wrong and your feelings are valid. But if it upsets you please please
Please throw this one back

Speaking from
Experience

beachcitygirl · 20/01/2024 02:25

@Spirallingdownwards my partner got
Divorced 30
Years ago. Him & his ex wife and adult kids are still a family. I love him for that.

Even whilst I sometimes find it difficult.