DP and contact with his ex

[mirroracle]

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

No one is making you feel insecure except yourself you need to leave and have a relationship with someone with no history

You're refusing to hear what he's told you.

Leave if you don't like it.

You need to pick your self-respect up from the floor and leave. You can debate around the houses but he said what he said.

I think it's natural and healthy for parents to do some things together with their children, even if they're separated - nursery visits, nativity play, graduation, wedding. Sometimes there will be a space for the parents' new partner, sometimes not. He should put his child first, even before you. It sounds like he is trying to lessen contact with her and I would expect anyone in a conversation to say "excuse me" before answering phone messages but if you can't accept this then walk away.

This.

she is controlling and what’s more is he allows it and welcomes it. She knows it intrudes on your time and that’s why she does it! She doesn’t want you around and he is letter her ruin your relationship. Get out now.

Leave and don’t look back. He hasn’t got any respect for you and cares more about his exes feelings than yours. I never understand these ‘family times’ when they aren’t a family anymore. It’s confusing for the kids. Don’t lower your boundaries. His ex obviously doesn’t want him but wants no one else to have him.

Of course they want to do things as a 3, is lovely for the child
If you don't like it, leave. You will always come last here

But they're not a family of 3 anymore.

Of course the ex wants to do things as a 3. In normal circumstances where people have moved on and the child is that small they do separate things on their own time with the child. It is when the child is older and has their own activities at school or clubs that often both (separated) parents attend the child's event

Imagine what life will be like if you had a child with him. It sounds like he’ll be one of those dads who feel guilty doing nice things with your child when his oldest isn’t there yet not feel guilty when he does things with the oldest but not the youngest. If she has another child, the group of 3 outings could include her younger child too.

Your partner is being reasonable saying suck it up or leave. He’s clearly happy with the current quantity and content of their conversations and won’t change things for you. I agree with Pp that he shouldn’t be in a relationship really.

I agree. He has told you he doesn't have a problem with it and is not prepared to lose contact with her to keep you. You either leave or accept it.

I text ex partner frequently about DS. We are friendly and will continue to be even when he annoys me (as I’m sure I annoy him.)
He is single currently but I would never overstep any boundaries now or if he has a partner in the future.

Op

is not going to leave - that is obvious as she is still heavily invested.

if there’s no court order then his ex will do as she pleases and he will be powerless to stop her

if I split from my dp I think it would be rare I’d asked him about my child?!

how often is the contact? More than once monthly would be too much as really they can chat on handovers about the child

I divorced my ex several years ago but we still have regular contact, maybe 4-5 times a week? And our kids are late teens (though I've actually found this is the time we've needed more contact). It's mostly about the kids but we will swerve into other topics. We don't hate each other, we certainly don't do anything together, but there's no reason not to be friendly, we were together for 15 years.

He's behaving as if he has two wives. Having a child together requires basic civilities - that's it. A quick how are you at pick up/drop off is fair enough but that's it!! Besides the odd necessary conversation about school or something.

Sounds like he's still in love with her and hoping she'll change her mind

@Viewfrommyhouse @Spirallingdownwards
That's one way of doing things, but there are many. It's becoming more common for exes to still get on and do things as a family, Christmas and holidays are good examples. They will always be a family.

I think the clincher for me, would be whether or not he's prepared to have a word with her about boundaries etc. If he isn't, I'd be GONE

....thankfully my DP of 5 years considers me & his DD 10 as his family, and not his DD & ex wife!

Actually put the adult egos to one side, it's about the child.

The child has lost their parents and their family unit. They need to know that nothings changed bar logistics. Both parents are connected for years to come. Do you not think the child will appreciate putting personal feelings to one side for the sake of making life easier for them?

I hate my ex. Can't stand him. However last week he text asking for a favour and I helped him. He's my child's dad and it would have been awkward for my child if I'd said no.

We have been a blended family for years now, and I have a brilliant relationship with my step kids to the point where I'm invited to their significant events alongside their mother. It would have been horrendous for them to be caught in the middle. And their mum and dad have had conversations Independant of the kids, of course they have. They knew each other and were good friends for years whilst together. They developed a relationship with each others family, and their family members developed relationships amongst themselves as well. That meant the kids weren't having to deal with the complexities of navigating adult behaviours or emotions and could carry on just developing themselves.

Ultimately it's not about the adults and what's important to them, it's about the kids, so maybe unless you can understand that, perhaps you're not ready or right for this relationship

@Poppy128xx Yes it depends on so many things.

Brilliant post ♥️

Hi OP,

If he said “leave if you have a problem” you HAVE to leave. Dump him. Why put yourself in this miserable mess of a family?

100%

Do you feel this since on intrusion when he texts his mum or one of his friends?

I can’t tell imagine having a problem with this, he seems like a good dad that is prioritising his dd, having a friendly relationship with her mum benefits his child.

Honestly if you can’t reframe this in your mind to be ok with it, then move on.

Ultimately it's not about the adults and what's important to them, it's about the kids, so maybe unless you can understand that, perhaps you're not ready or right for this relationship

Agree @baileys6904 good post. I too have helped my ex out as a favour (when one of his parents died - because, at the end of that day, that's my children's grandparents), and he's helped me out when needed. And we both have new partners, I am married but we can both see the bigger picture. My DH and his ex though, that's a different story.

Ego massaged this week.
Penis the next.
Ltb op. He is very happy having 2 women in his life...