DP and contact with his ex

[mirroracle]

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

If my DP sat every night texting his mum back & forth, then yes 😂what unusual behaviour!

He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child

This is a red flag. This is not how a loving partner would talk to you.

Ultimately it's not about the adults and what's important to them, it's about the kids, so maybe unless you can understand that, perhaps you're not ready or right for this relationship

I would say that anyone who will use their children as an excuse to dismiss should not be in a relationship. Obviously children's needs come before adults wants but if you are "all about the kids" with no room to look after your partner then you can't have a healthy relationship.

My XH and I share a young child. He has a new partner that he lives with. We text most days, often about our child but also just general chit chat about our lives. I actually have every reason to cut him out of my life as she was the OW and the reason our marriage ended. I have no desire whatsoever to get back with him. But I want our child to see we have a good and amicable relationship. Not just pretend to have one, but actually have one, because she is the most important one here and it benefits her enormously not to feel like she is stuck between 2 different families. I want her to feel she simply has more people to love her now. I don’t want her to feel she has lost her family, but that it has grown and changed instead. You can’t fake that kind of security for a child, my XH and I choose to work at a genuine friendship for her. She will always come first, for both of us.

I think you need to accept that they are still a family, albeit a different one, and being friends is a good thing for the child. Appreciate that might not be what you are looking for, and that’s absolutely fine, but I don’t think he is doing anything wrong here. You say you trust him so why does it bother you?

They're doing Christmas related activities together? That's not remotely normal. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's still hung up on her.

I always wonder why these people spilt up seen as they get on so well.

You deserve better x

How do you know what's normal or not? You can comment on what you may have experienced, directly or indirectly, but who are you to say what's normal?

IN MY OPINION it's not normal. Is that ok? I've been divorced. My DH has been divorced. We both have exes who we have kids with. In my opinion it's not in the best interests of the kids to continue to do things as a family. It's confusing and unhealthy for them, and does not create any boundaries for new partners.

Because they love their child more than they dislike each other perhaps?

Because they can prioritise their child growing in a pleasant environment rather than a warring one.

Because they understand it's not the child's fault, so why penalise them.

Because they know a family split can causing last psychological scars so they are actively working to try and ensure their child is affected as little as possible.

That do you for now?

There's a difference between not having the child grow up in a warring environment, and continuing to pretend you're one big happy family 'because it's best for the child'

So in your own experience, you can then generalise and extrapolate that to the rest of the world.

And your opinion trumps every other person's experience.

To say ' it's not normal' is ridiculous generalisation.

It didn't work for you. Cracking. Doesn't sound like you tried it, but whatever.

Well, I'm not psychologically scarred coming from a now 32 yo who was 5 when her parents split. And guess what? There were no mobile phones back then to sit & text back and forth every evening and they managed just fine to co-parent by having a quick 5 min discussion at handovers every week!

See, I'm of a differing opinion and think this level of contact OP is describing between her partner & his ex is actually only benefiting the two adults to make themselves feel better.

You don’t need beed to engage in general chit chat and keep in close contact to effectively co-parent. If anything it’s a bit confusing for the child.

Who's pretending that?

There's a difference between a cordial, pleasant relationship and ' playing happy families'.

And my kids and my step kids have had events where both sides of parents and partners have attended and been pleasant, and been grown ups about it. The kids were nervous at first as to how it would go, and then after admitted they were grateful and happy it could be done.

I genuinely don't understand how anyone can say it's better to have a strained relationship between parents

It's confusing that people that are important to each other can't continue to be pleasant? That's assuming the child is even aware of the text messages rather than just the environment they walk into.

From my experience, both as a child of an extremely bitter divorce and as a parent/ step parent of various children who are now adults and able to articulate their feelings, amicable was the way to go and they are grateful that the adults could support that

Omg no one is saying they need to have a strained relationship! But they also don't need to be texting each other every evening about things non-child related whilst their other partner's just sit there being ignored. It's utter madness. Why get involved with another person if that's how you're going to treat them?

My DP doesn't text even weekly with his ex and they are able to do drop offs and school events without hating each other and having a 'strained' relationship.

Congrats.

I am, having been in toxic relationships for the first 20 years of my life, having huge attachment issues, developing anorexia, bulimia and self harming and needing therapy for so much of it, I completed 2 Psychology degrees myself thanks to a mum and dad that couldn't put their own feelings to one side to do anything more than 'Co parent' rather than encourage me to thrive

So you're projecting on this board then?

Not the right person for you.

My ex and I are like this. We share two children and we get along - surely better than awkward contact through gritted teeth? We talk daily, not always about kids, but there's absolutely nothing romantic between us anymore and won't ever be. I can see why someone would find it uncomfortable but I wouldn't artificially limit contact with my children's father to massage someone's insecurities.

@baileys6904 no hate but seriously, you are taking your extreme example and then the total opposite extreme example. Most people sit somewhere in the middle and are able to co-parent without any issues...

Where does it say the amount of texts? Or even frequency? It takes me seconds to tap out a text. If I finish work at 6, and go to bed at 10, and text enough to ignore my partner, shall we say 10 texts a minute (allowing typing and receiving), 60 an hour so 240 texts a night, 1680 over a week.

Actually, if that is genuinely the case, I absolutely agree with you, it's an issue.

Funnily enough, I'm thinking it's not

And in the middle are those that can text each other about non child related things without anything else escalating from that

Ha ha ha ha

Yep, if that's what sharing experiences is.

And you're not.... 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’d leave.