DP and contact with his ex

[mirroracle]

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

I agree with this.

Why wouldn't they do things as a 3? They'll always be a family of 3 to an extent. It's so sad to think some kids never get to do Christmas / birthday things with both their parents together because of animosity or a new partner.

Quite. You’re really taking it to extremes.

IMO if you want to enter into a romantic relationship you shouldn’t continue to be entangled with your ex. What the OP describes isn’t normal. They’re still an ex, the co-parenting part is separate and again, IMO should be treated as such.

Do kids with separated parents generally still have both parents present at their birthdays? At the same time? Without their parents’ partners?

Genuine question.

This 100%

OP I'm another one who thinks you should leave. His behaviour around the texts/level of contact might seem reasonable to some in and of itself but the thought process behind it will absolutely not exist in isolation. All the signs are there that he will put himself and his ex's feeling above yours by default in other areas of your relationship too.

He has every right to stay this friendly with hi ex this way - you have every right to say nah, not for me. And I think he'll find a lot of other potential new partners wouldn't feel comfortable with this either.

What is it you think I'm projecting on exactly?

I have no qualms with my DSD's mother (partner's ex)...she & DP communicate via email or at handovers where necessary about anything medical/school/contact schedule as required and I don't think anything of it because it's needed. They can go to a parent's evening or school production and make polite chit chat in front of DSD without exploding into a row and without DSD thinking there is any animosity.

They aren't reliant or dependent on each other for friendship or life troubles anymore and don't need to be texting back & forth. If my DP sat there of an evening continuously messaging her and he said to me 'she's my child's mother so leave if you don't like it' I would do exactly that quite frankly. It's got nothing to do with insecurities, it's about having a certain level of respect for each other.

I would he's the one who is not ready for another relationship.

How often does he have his child? Maybe he needs to increase contact if he feels he is missing out on the day to day stuff.

It's funny how he uses missing his child as an excuse to constantly contact his ex rather than actually doing something about seeing his child more often.

Exactly how I feel and how (generally) my DH and his ex are.

It completely depends on the co-parenting relationship.

We avoid breathing the same air as my DHs ex as much as possible. There's been times when we've been in the same room for school events, dance shows etc but will completely avoid her.

We have always celebrated birthdays separately. DSD has never mentioned to us about her mum not being at a party we've organised. She just accepts that she does things separately. DH and his ex separated when she was 2 so she can't remember them ever being together. We never badmouth the ex infront of DSD and will be civil to each other when DSD is there. The ex has badmouthed DH to DSD so I think she's aware her mum doesn't like her dad which isn't ideal but completely out of our control.

I have a friend who co-parents with her kids dad really well. They are good friends and do things together but the stepmum is also included in those activities. They posted a lovely photo on Xmas day with mum, dad, stepmum and kid.

He is being very clear with you that this is how things were (before you met) and this is how they will continue.

The ball is in your court as to whether you accept this and continue the relationship, or not.

Personally I would not. Perhaps in my younger days, when I was not looking for a long term relationship or marriage, kids ect, however I certainly would not want to settle down and have children under these circumstances.

My advice would be to leave and find somebody without such circumstances.

Real mix of responses. Thank you to everyone who has advised so far - still going through.

To the ones saying this relationship is not for me, I completely agree with you. We'd had a long discussion in December where I'd pretty much covered what you're all saying. This may work for some people, it however does not work for me and it's not fair on anyone if it's breeding resentment. He'd reassured me the Christmas activities were going to be a one off, explained the contact was only due to "Christmas" or other necessary things for child relating to time of year/birthdays/schools etc.

To be honest, it's now clear it'll be an ongoing thing.

In response to the poster that asked whether these were conversations that could wait until drop off, in my opinion yes. If it's not an urgent matter that requires an immediate response, I think 'banking' any queries to then discuss at handover would work better.

I've asked about this, and apparently I'm viewing it as too 'transactional', it's not a handover like work it is coparenting.

I suggested maybe a phone call mid way through week to discuss anything important at once, rather than constant messaging that requires back and forth response, if it cannot wait until pick up/drop off.

I think this approach is so healthy. Your intimate relationship didn't work out but you're still co parents and friends, that's got to be good for everyone

I suggested maybe a phone call mid way through week to discuss anything important at once, rather than constant messaging that requires back and forth response, if it cannot wait until pick up/drop off.

I dunno, things just aren't that linear. I might have a text conversation with my ex every day or I might not talk to him for two weeks. Same for my DH and his ex. We communicate when we need to, not to a schedule and nobody really sees it as an issue? You can choose when to read and reply to a text if you want. I think if my DH tried to dictate how I communicated with my ex it would cause a bigger problem.

Probably a drip feed, ducks, but the message that's got to me a bit was around advice, think financial advice or asking about a service.

He'd told me about the message and whether I thought he should respond, I said that I would respond factually but not get involved emotionally.

To me it seemed that she was fishing with the message for him to ask about the background of it. He responded with the practical advice, cue her spilling to him about the reasoning etc

I'm just concerned about how this will play out in future. I'd like to have children of my own. I think it's setting the tone for the rest of the relationship if he's going to appease her.

You are entirely right to be concerned about this, because it's obvious exactly how this situation would play out and how miserable it would be for you. He is never going to change, so leave them to it.** Let him continue to invest all his energy into a relationship that's already failed, and go and live a happier life without his problems becoming your problems.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old is his child? If they are 5 my view of this would be really different than 17. Why were they doing things as a family of three over Christmas? Was this the first Christmas since separating?

Generally, it sounds like they both enjoy the co-dependency and his comment about 'leave if you have a problem with the mother of my child' would be ringing around my head for a long time.

He couldn't be any clearer about telling you his priorities. And because it sounds like his ex will always come before you, it makes sense to leave.

@Illpickthatup

I know he would like to have his child more, the logistics just don't work however.

I would also rather it was a couple of days in the week and every other weekend as I'm sure DSC's mother would as it'd mean she'd also get to have the weekend rather than Monday-Friday which is most likely taken up with rushing about and routine.

I try not to voice my opinion as I'm not a parent myself and it's unsolicited but for contact during the week he would need to have a better routine. DP leaves for work very early during the week, dropping off in the morning would make him late to work. In addition to this, there isn't much of a bedtime routine set up, on a Sunday DC can still be up at 10pm which is obviously too late. DSC also doesn't sleep through well, and will not sleep in own bed, gets up in night etc. This impacts on me as I also leave for work around 6am.

@MeridianB

Not first Christmas since separating no. The Christmas before they had continued as normal for the sake of child.

This with bells on.

Don't forget OP that the majority of posters saying this wouldn't bother them, are the ex wives, and those saying this isn't healthy & will create later issues are the step-mum's...so listen carefully as we talk from experience.

Relationships with men who already have kids can absolutely work, but only and I mean only if the child's dad is on the same page as you & has his boundaries already clearly set with the ex.

As much as I don't have any issues with my DP's ex now, at the start of our relationship she did struggle to accept him moving on. The fact that you say she then went on to explain to your DP about an issue without being asked says it all really. I remember a few years back when DSD's mum asked him to have DSD an extra night as she had a hospital appointment (fine) and DP responded exactly that. But then que at pick up the next day when he got a load of abuse from her saying why didn't he care & ask about her hospital appointment! He was very stern at that point and clearly pointed out to her that they weren't in a relationship anymore and she has no right to be acting that way....she eventually got the message (when she found a new partner) and things have been absolutely fine since and I can go to school plays etc without any worry or tension. But I do wonder if DP haven't been firm & clear how she would still be acting towards him to this day...

Agree with this a million percent. I think what's being implied is that if you don't have happy days out/dinners or whatever then you have a strained relationship which is damaging to the child. There is a middle ground which most of us occupy.

"He's just told me to leave if I have a problem."

He's told you exactly where you stand on his priority list--at the bottom. It sounds like he's just not that into you. I would leave a man who so obviously doesn't care about me and is still carrying a torch for his ex.

Just leave. I wouldn't be treated as some sort of gooseberry in the relationship. You don't have to put up with this. You don't have children. You can find somebody without children and without "the mother of his child" on speed dial. Telling you to leave if you have a problem means he's really not that fussed about the relationship - probably because he is still carrying a torch for the "the mother of his child'.

These contact arrangements sounds messy.

tip: do not ever say you will be relied upon to do childcare before or after work/drop offs/pick ups/

Are you sure this is all worth it - this is your life forever now

Funny you're suggesting I think my experience trumps everyone else's opinion when you yourself are projecting some very strong views on how things should be and anyone who doesn't do this is damaging their child.

As for 'doesn't sound like you tried it, but whatever' actually I did but hey, you clearly know me better than I know myself. Some of us have to have clear boundaries in place with their exes for their own sanity and to enable them to move forward in life, not only for themselves, but for any new relationships.