Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Ex having Key to the house

106 replies

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:15

Finally have an offer accepted on a house with my partner after having our own places for 3 years!!!

Was talking about getting the keys and he mentioned getting one for his ex

Both have keys at the moment for dropping off and collecting forgotten items which is practical. Understand everything needs to work for the kids but I don’t like the idea of his nosey ex having access to my home.

Is that unreasonable? What could work instead? I want to make my step kids feel comfortable and their lives easy but this feels too much

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 08/01/2024 16:16

God no. It's a massive invasion of privacy and I'd never agree to it. We don't even have our exes inside our house, never mind having a key.

plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:18

how often are they with you.

OP - this is just the beginning

I suspect you will be starting quite a few mumsnet threads over the coming weeks / months / years on the basis of this

Do you have children?

Reugny · 08/01/2024 16:19

Hell no.

Neither of your ex partners should have spare keys.

If they want to drop off stuff then they should do it when someone is in.

In fact several parents do not allow their ex to come round when they aren't in to drop something off to ensure there is no conflict.

Starseeking · 08/01/2024 16:20

No way. My EXDP has never even stepped his foot inside my house, and I intend to hold that boundary, never mind him having a key to come and go as he pleases!

Snowfalling · 08/01/2024 16:21

No way would I allow this. His ex will just have to be more organised, millions of people manage coparenting without having keys to each other's homes.

Bracksonsboss · 08/01/2024 16:21

Absolutely not

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 08/01/2024 16:25

How old are the children? If 10 or older I would give a key to the children. If younger it depends on just how often, surely it is rare?

Original poster
Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:26

It is 50/50 and the kids are at primary but 2 different schools. The kit, fundraising and activity admin is never ending. It would be better if my partner was more organised.

The ex kept the family home so my partner is in and out multiple times a week. She doesn’t come to his often but the kids have mentioned something has been collected when not mentioned to him before. That feels off to me.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 08/01/2024 16:28

Nope. If you can pull this off you're a better woman than I. How old are the children?

Reugny · 08/01/2024 16:29

Due my DP's ex history of behaviour anything forgotten is handed over through school.

There are other people that can be occasionally used but DP's ex has thrown her toys out of the pram when they were suggested.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2024 16:37

This is going to be your home too so you get a say and it’s no, which is very sensible. Hell would freeze over before DH’s ex sets foot in our house but she doesn’t do any of the driving which makes things easier in that respect. He wouldn’t go inside hers either.

The problem is his lack of organisation and this is the ideal opportunity for him to improve.

plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:38

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:26

It is 50/50 and the kids are at primary but 2 different schools. The kit, fundraising and activity admin is never ending. It would be better if my partner was more organised.

The ex kept the family home so my partner is in and out multiple times a week. She doesn’t come to his often but the kids have mentioned something has been collected when not mentioned to him before. That feels off to me.

not exactly a promising start Op

brace yourself is all i would say

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 08/01/2024 16:42

Buy shed... Forgotten items can live there....

Daffyyellow · 08/01/2024 16:42

No way would they be having a key!

Have a secure parcel bin outside. Anything needed can left with a combination padlock to protect it, then they need to text/email about what is needed and then you can put it out and send them the code. No need to enter the house.

DontPutTheKidsThroughIt · 08/01/2024 16:42

Is there a porch or conservatory or a garden shed? One option would be to have a different key to a small covered area like that that is separate from the house - forgotten items could then be put in the shed for collection if need be.
But no, don’t agree to the ex having a key. Agree an age the kids could have there own key.

Original poster
Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:45

I have no kids

There is a big effort to coparent as very good friends but there is an under current of issues that sometimes flare up

She has a new partner and has mentioned moving in with him (after 6 months, despite being so difficult about us after 3 years, but that’s a whole different thread) so hope that will help shift the previous situation to a new one

OP posts:
plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:46

do you want to have children?

Azandme · 08/01/2024 16:47

My former husband has a key to my house. My DP doesn't care.

I know he wouldn't take the piss though, and it has been REALLY handy in the last 4.5 years. An example from this morning - I was in the shower when he brought dd home. DP was at work. He let dd in, shouted hi and bye, and left, locking the door behind him.

I have keys to his house too, in case of emergencies.

We're friends, marriage ran it's course, but we still get on really well. I like his DP, he likes mine, and it's all just... Good.

It wasn't easy getting here, but I wouldn't change it.

Illpickthatup · 08/01/2024 16:47

Absolutely fucking not! Totally up to him to let his ex have a key when it was his own place but absolutely not for your joint place.

I don't think many co-parenting relationships have keys to each other houses and still manage ok.

Original poster
Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:47

There is a shed and I thought it might be ok but does it seem unkind to leave things there after free access to houses? Like making a statement? Should I care?

OP posts:
Ellabellabow · 08/01/2024 16:48

Im going to say what I imagine will be an unpopular opinion on the SP board…

but I often see posts whereby the SP is complaining about how integrated their DP and the ex are, these are often met with posts encouraging the SP to put boundaries in place with the ex to address this. These posts always make me question why some people are so keen to ‘fix’ or ‘change’ their DPs set up with their ex once they have either moved in together or have joint children. It sounds like this is how things were before you came along, and seems to work well for both your DP and his ex (and the children). You’ve mentioned that it works both ways and that your partner benefits from this due to his lack of organisation. Is this the only thing that you are unhappy with in terms of his relationship with his ex? If so then fair enough, it’s probably worth addressing (but be warned that this may damage their co-parenting relationship going forwards).

However if there are a number of other things about his relationship with his ex that make you uncomfortable, then I’d seriously consider what you want from this relationship in the long run, especially if you are planning to have children together. As, if these forums are anything to go by, this will could well be the first of many you vs the ex battles!

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t be happy with my partners ex having a key to our now joint house. However if I’d known that this was their current set up early on, I wouldn’t have tried to change it, I’d just accept that this isn’t the right person for me, and find somebody who is not as enmeshed with their ex. It sounds like you had assumed that things would change once you had a joint house together, but was this actually discussed? If so then fair enough, your DP needs to stick to what was agreed. If not then you need to have a discussion with him asap about anything else that he’s currently doing that you are assuming will change.

plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:48

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:47

There is a shed and I thought it might be ok but does it seem unkind to leave things there after free access to houses? Like making a statement? Should I care?

the consensus clearly is yes you should care. and be concerned

Starseeking · 08/01/2024 16:49

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:26

It is 50/50 and the kids are at primary but 2 different schools. The kit, fundraising and activity admin is never ending. It would be better if my partner was more organised.

The ex kept the family home so my partner is in and out multiple times a week. She doesn’t come to his often but the kids have mentioned something has been collected when not mentioned to him before. That feels off to me.

So his Ex is entering his house without even asking/telling him beforehand?

If that's fine for him in the home he lives in alone, that's fine for him, although I wouldn't be happy with it, not much you can do.

However, this arrangement would be a hard no in relation to a home he owned/shared with me.

plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:49

about fact he suggested giving the key. not about the shed

plumberdrain · 08/01/2024 16:49

and he needs to parent up and stopping forgetting shit

Swipe left for the next trending thread