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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex having Key to the house

106 replies

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 16:15

Finally have an offer accepted on a house with my partner after having our own places for 3 years!!!

Was talking about getting the keys and he mentioned getting one for his ex

Both have keys at the moment for dropping off and collecting forgotten items which is practical. Understand everything needs to work for the kids but I don’t like the idea of his nosey ex having access to my home.

Is that unreasonable? What could work instead? I want to make my step kids feel comfortable and their lives easy but this feels too much

OP posts:

caringcarer · 08/01/2024 23:45

I wouldn't like it. What if you are unwell at home sitting on sofa in PJ's and his ex just lets herself in. Nope I wouldn't like it.

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 06:05

i would be concerned from a security perspective as well as a personal perspective

who knows who would have access to that key

you say she has a new boyfriend for example….

MeridianB · 09/01/2024 07:47

But she’s known for years that this is the set up that him and his ex have, so why not just say early on, this set up doesn’t work for me??

I read it as this didn’t come up before because it was his home and his choice. Now that’s changed, they’re moving in together and he has assumed his choice will continue in their joint home.

StragglyTinsel · 09/01/2024 07:57

It clearly is only working if you look at this one thing in isolation. The bigger picture is that the OP’s partner wants to make changes to his living situation - he wants to live with the OP in a new house they are buying together.

So it’s definitely the moment to set boundaries that this is your home @Poledog8877 and you do get as much say in what happens there as he does.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 09/01/2024 08:10

Oh dear … red flags as far as the eye can see… quite clear you knew this was happening before deciding to move in with each other … why didn’t you both discuss this before?!?

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 09:38

Could you get a key safe? Then you can provide the code. The code can be changed so she wouldn't have access without your knowledge.

Or get a ring doorbell to deter any unnecessary visits? She'll know you can see her etc.

I think using the shed is fine.

But agree, he'l need to give her key back too. You can't have it both ways.

Floofydawg · 09/01/2024 09:52

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 09:38

Could you get a key safe? Then you can provide the code. The code can be changed so she wouldn't have access without your knowledge.

Or get a ring doorbell to deter any unnecessary visits? She'll know you can see her etc.

I think using the shed is fine.

But agree, he'l need to give her key back too. You can't have it both ways.

God, so many workarounds to avoid the dad having to actually parent and be organised.

StragglyTinsel · 09/01/2024 09:56

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 09:38

Could you get a key safe? Then you can provide the code. The code can be changed so she wouldn't have access without your knowledge.

Or get a ring doorbell to deter any unnecessary visits? She'll know you can see her etc.

I think using the shed is fine.

But agree, he'l need to give her key back too. You can't have it both ways.

Why?

They’re is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that the exW simply does not have access to the new house at all.

It’s not a ‘both ways’ thing. If the exW wants to continue letting him have a key to her house, that’s up to her. She was married to him and it was their marital home at one point. So she might feel differently. Or she might decide that, actually, she’d like to make changes and have her exH take more responsibility for the children’s stuff. But it’s ip
to her.

This will be a new house that the OP owns equally. She’s never been married to the exW and has never lived with her. There is not equivalency here. The exW here has never had access to the OP’s home. And the OP does not have access to the exW’s home.

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 10:51

@StragglyTinsel

I'm trying to suggest helpful practical solutions. What value does your post add?

Of course she can't stomp her feet and say no. But making life difficult for everyone isn't really going to help.

We have a key safe to avoid giving out our key. But know we can give access if needed. I don't really understand your concerns?

My personal opinion is that if OP expects her privacy, she & her DP should give the same in return.

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 10:56

@Floofydawg

Even with the best will in the world, things will come up with step kids.

They can all agree on what works for them.

I was just trying to offer some practical ideas which might help day to day.

Floofydawg · 09/01/2024 11:21

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 10:56

@Floofydawg

Even with the best will in the world, things will come up with step kids.

They can all agree on what works for them.

I was just trying to offer some practical ideas which might help day to day.

I'm well aware of that having been a step parent for 6 years. But we have managed well enough without having keys for exes houses and vice versa.

StragglyTinsel · 09/01/2024 11:22

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 10:51

@StragglyTinsel

I'm trying to suggest helpful practical solutions. What value does your post add?

Of course she can't stomp her feet and say no. But making life difficult for everyone isn't really going to help.

We have a key safe to avoid giving out our key. But know we can give access if needed. I don't really understand your concerns?

My personal opinion is that if OP expects her privacy, she & her DP should give the same in return.

Mine adds boundaries.

Why should the OP give any access to her house to her partner’s ex? A key box is still having to let the exW gain entry to her home.

The OP presumably respects the exW’s privacy. She doesn’t have a key to the exW’s house. She doesn’t let herself in to that house.

The OP is not her partner. The exW can decide for herself if she wants to continue giving him unfettered access to her home. That’s not relevant to whether the OP can draw a boundary and say that the exW does not get a key (even via a lock box) to her house.

If her partner is adamant that his exW must be given access to the house, then that’s a pretty good sign that the OP should choose not to buy a house with him.

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 11:25

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 10:56

@Floofydawg

Even with the best will in the world, things will come up with step kids.

They can all agree on what works for them.

I was just trying to offer some practical ideas which might help day to day.

do you have step children?

FictionalCharacter · 09/01/2024 11:36

Poledog8877 · 08/01/2024 17:40

My partner often goes to her house as her place seems to be treated as the primary home despite 50:50. Stuff seems to migrate there which often leaves him short of uniform/sports kit etc. Or child doesn’t have right bag after pickup from school.

The situation has continued as there has been no need to change - it has supported being a bit disorganised. Plus they both work shifts which often change at short notice so it has helped with this. I would hope we can be more organised as a family unit not living across 2 houses ourselves rather than make change for change’s sake

You’re not taking this seriously enough @Poledog8877 . You shouldn’t be “hoping” anything. This isn’t a “we” problem because it isn’t your problem at all. It’s your partner and his ex. You are not part of their family unit. He’s meant to be a unit with you now, not with her.

This is YOUR home, not an additional house for your DP and his ex to use for their children. If the ex is ok with him having a key to her home that’s up to her. He doesn’t have the right to give her or anyone else a key to YOUR home.

Please be careful. He’s sprung this on you by just mentioning giving her a key. No discussion about the arrangements going forward. It’s time for you to put your foot down with a firm No. If you don’t, you’ll be a minor player in your DP’s life with his kids and ex and your home will not be yours.

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 11:36

@StragglyTinsel

The OP is on here looking for advice. I'm guessing the advice 'don't live with him' isn't actually helpful.

A key safe doesn't give anyone access unless you allow it. It obviously has much more control than giving out a key.

How does the exW know that the OP doesn't access her home? OP has access to the key. She's trusting that it's used for the kids.
Obviously if exW doesn't care then it's a non issue.

I wouldn't want anyone having unlimited access to my home. But if they want to keep an amicable relationship and ensure things are easy for the kids that practical solutions/ compromise seems like the most reasonable way forward.

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 11:38

The OP is on here looking for advice. I'm guessing the advice 'don't live with him' isn't actually helpful.

in your opinion

To me, it seems bang on the money

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 11:39

But if they want to keep an amicable relationship and ensure things are easy for the kids that practical solutions/ compromise seems like the most reasonable way forward.

why can’t the compromise me that the OP’s partner and ex parent up and start getting themselves organised.

Like most of the other single parents out there who don’t give each other keys to the home that they share with new partners

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 11:40

@Floofydawg

I'm really glad that works well for you.

I'm just offering some helpful ideas. They may or may not work for the OP 😊

Minikievs · 09/01/2024 11:43

Starseeking · 08/01/2024 16:20

No way. My EXDP has never even stepped his foot inside my house, and I intend to hold that boundary, never mind him having a key to come and go as he pleases!

Same.
It's MY house. MY home.
I also don't set foot in his house (which incidentally used to be my house and my home) unless he's specifically invited me to come in to look at kids redecorated rooms. Which was a one off and I felt uncomfortable doing.

Viewfrommyhouse · 09/01/2024 11:43

I honestly don't think it's a crazy idea - but only if you're comfortable with it, which you're clearly not, and that's absolutely fine too. My exdh had children when we married (I didn't) but their coparenting was great, no issues. I really liked his exwife, and whilst there was no need for key swapping, I would've done with her - her and her partner even came to our wedding. They were nice. But say No if you're not comfortable. It's your home, and no one should have access unless you're both happy about it.

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 11:45

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 11:39

But if they want to keep an amicable relationship and ensure things are easy for the kids that practical solutions/ compromise seems like the most reasonable way forward.

why can’t the compromise me that the OP’s partner and ex parent up and start getting themselves organised.

Like most of the other single parents out there who don’t give each other keys to the home that they share with new partners

Obviously that is one option.

The OP needs to think about what will work well for her and her family

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 11:49

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 11:45

Obviously that is one option.

The OP needs to think about what will work well for her and her family

Show quote history

it is much more in the interests of the children, which really is the important consideration here

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 12:02

@plumberdrain

In your opinion.

Redskyatwhatever · 09/01/2024 12:03

If you are planning on buying a house and living together then I presume a few previous arrangements are going to have to be changed as a result of that, seems a perfect time to address the key issue. Assuming that if his ex starts living with someone her new partner won’t be happy about your DP trooping in and out of his home several times a week either. Time to move forward and make the change now your DP needs to be more organised. Most co-parents I know including my son don’t have keys to their exes homes but do go into the house occasionally they just ring the bell and wait to be invited in.

plumberdrain · 09/01/2024 12:04

newhouse12345 · 09/01/2024 12:02

@plumberdrain

In your opinion.

what? that both parents getting themselves properly organised so that no need for last minute rushing over to get forgotten things?

You don’t this is in the children’s best interests? 😐

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