Ex having Key to the house

[Poledog8877]

Finally have an offer accepted on a house with my partner after having our own places for 3 years!!!

Was talking about getting the keys and he mentioned getting one for his ex

Both have keys at the moment for dropping off and collecting forgotten items which is practical. Understand everything needs to work for the kids but I don’t like the idea of his nosey ex having access to my home.

Is that unreasonable? What could work instead? I want to make my step kids feel comfortable and their lives easy but this feels too much

I'm sorry but are you soft? Of course it's not unkind. And no, you shouldn't care. Honestly, this is your home we're talking about. No one comes in my home unless I want them in there, I don't care whether they're my stepkids other parent. It's called having boundaries.

Firstly is this going to the children's home ? Then sooner or later they will have their own keys. 🤷 I would give children key and install a Ring , and have agreement children can enter but prefer mother didn't?

Playing devil’s advocate here, it seems he’s talking about the ex having a key because he’s the one who is so used to letting himself in and out of the ex’s house rather than the other way around.
So if he doesn’t give her a key to his new house, then realistically he needs to give her back her key as well, and he needs to be the one who is more organised.

I know people on here love to hold the ex responsible for being the one who is intruding etc, but to be fair here it sounds like he is the one taking all the liberties and constantly letting himself in and out of her house rather than the other way around.

When me and my ex split we each had a key. If DS ever wanted anything from his house I would go round there with him, but he was always the one who went in and got what he needed. Whereas my ex was the one who let himself into my house, including on one occasion when he knew that I was there with someone who I hadn’t yet introduced to ds (but that’s another story).

When his dp moved in with him he asked for his key back, in fact he changed the locks which I found a bit odd given I’d never actually let myself in. But in fairness he did give me back my key as wel, although I changed the locks on my house because I think it wasn’t beyond him to have had himself another one cut.

your dp needs to be organised.

It’s not ok for him to be constantly going round to his ex’s.

But as the kids grow older, I’d say around y6, then they should be given a key.

I think it depends on the relationship with the ex really.

My ex has a key to my house and I have one to his. Only used for dropping kids off if the other isn’t home or for is they have left something at the other parents house and need it and they are not there.

But I get on ok with my ex and his partner and vice versa. We all had drinks together over Xmas so I have no worries about him having a key and misusing it…he has no reason to.

It’s just better for our dc this way.

Honestly, I wouldn't even like my DHs creepy round my garden to get things from a shed. Maybe start remembering shit like an adult and the ex won't need to come round all the time.

Key issue aside, I'm really surprised that so many people are so vehemently opposed to having their ex even step foot in their house. Obviously if the ex is abusive/violent etc that's a different matter.
Doesn't anyone get along with their ex?

It's absolutely fine. I'm more concerned he's suggested it as a given.

🙄

this isn’t inviting the ex in for a chat or to collect something or even a coffee

this is giving them free access to the home you share with a new partner

a bit different don’t you think?

Yes, which is why I said 'Key issue aside'.
🙄

Op I feel certain a pair of trainers or a PE won't feel upset they spend time in a shed...

Am I the only person shocked that someone could buy A HOUSE with someone who would then suggest this out of the blue with no prior discussion?

If this were me, I'd be rethinking the whole relationship let alone the house purchase. It says so much and none of it good

-over intimate relationship with ex.
-lack of communication with OP/current partner.
-expectation that what he says goes (given not even a discussion).
-lack of any kind of sensitivity or awareness to what the OP/current partner might want.
-general stupidity (oblivious to basic privacy issues)

and that's just a quick list there are lots of other similar points.

My partner often goes to her house as her place seems to be treated as the primary home despite 50:50. Stuff seems to migrate there which often leaves him short of uniform/sports kit etc. Or child doesn’t have right bag after pickup from school.

The situation has continued as there has been no need to change - it has supported being a bit disorganised. Plus they both work shifts which often change at short notice so it has helped with this. I would hope we can be more organised as a family unit not living across 2 houses ourselves rather than make change for change’s sake

have you read the thread? no you are not the ONLY ONE

@Poledog8877 absolutely no way!!

Bloody hell?!? Who in their right mind would do this?!???

it’s a hard no from me.

No way would I be up for this at all.

Yes, I'm also surprised you are buying a house with someone without discussing these most basic things and how to navigate them.

I couldn't accept that either. My home is my safe space. Somewhere I can relax. To be completely at ease regardless of what is going on.

I can't do that if some random woman who is not a very very close personal friend, can walk in at any moment.

So a No from me too. What on earth is your partner thinking of? Where is his consideration for your feelings?

No, I wouldn’t accept this.

Same situation here. It works for us but I wouldn’t do it if either me or DH felt uncomfortable about it

@Ellabellabow just because something was working in the past when they were not living together, doesn’t mean that it needs to continue when they buy a house together.

This is a very important point for the OP to set expectations and boundaries about her home. Lots of things are going to change because it’s a new house and she is not some visitor that just always has to fit in.

If parents aren’t willing to compromise and make reasonable changes, then they have no business buying houses with new partners.

Not in a million years.

And I agree with PPs saying his approach to this - expecting to give her a key and telling you rather than discussing it with you - is really poor. Time for a chat. Don’t feel bad about setting completely reasonable boundaries.

It’s true that what worked before was his business. Now you want to reassess because things have changed. If he can’t understand this then I’d put the brakes on buying together as it will not be the last challenge.

No chance.

But from what the OP has said, it seems like it is still working for her DP, as he’s frequently able to let himself into his exs house as and when he needs to collect stuff. The only person this isn’t working for (understandably) is the OP.

I strongly suspect that this won’t be the only time that the OP posts on these boards, seeking to implement boundaries with her DPs ex, especially if they end up having children. But she’s known for years that this is the set up that him and his ex have, so why not just say early on, this set up doesn’t work for me??

Over my dead biody. They both need to be more organised

Absolutely not! That would be a dealbreaker for me.